Cheito the cricket died - lessons in loss for child

[qcarolr]

My gd8, who dh and I have had custody of since infancy, lost her much loved cricket yesterday. She has been devasted. She hates to cry or have anyone else cry or show emotion. She has cried off and on last night and today. It has been a lesson in coping with loss and grief for all of us in the household.

It is hard to know how to help her cope with this intense loss. This has been her friend since last April - 4 months is a long life for a cricket in a little critter keeper. She knows how to care for them, as we had feeder crickets for our tiny lizard that died in the spring after 2 years. Gd did not have this reaction to the lizard. She has also let go of several Betta fish in her young life without this level of distress. She also lost 2 female crickets after about a month this summer. So what is so different this time?  How have I modeled a coping response for the others in our household which has surprised me?

I have tried to 'lean into' her emotional place. To validate her feelings of loss. To allow her to cry and grieve for a bit, than try to move her into the joy she shared with little Cheito. Talked with her about how sad this was, and that it was OK to be sad and then find other things to put in her mind, other things for her to do.

She took lots and lots of pictures of him during his life with us. He chirped his songs all night long in her room. She stopped coming to our bed during the night and seemed more rested. [Luckily her closed door left dh and I at peace without his songs all night long]. She carried him around the house with her, she took him camping with us last week [it was too cold for him to chirp], she cut thistles and kept them in water in the fridge and fed him daily and he was an enthusiastic eater. He also got cricket cubes left over from the lizards cricket days. She did her 2nd grade research project on insects with him last May.

Today we searched the web for a plush toy cricket - there are no black ones to be found. She tried to catch a new one in the fields behind our house to no avail. We made a little paper box and wrapped him in a tissue. Wrote his name, best friend and singer and put a red bow on his box. She has hugged this off and on today - then I encourage her to do something else. We shopped for school supplies in the morning with her mom [BPDDD27, non-custodial mom that currently lives in our home]. I shoved gd out the door when the neighbor kids came asking her to play. I put him back in the cubby in her desk where she can't see his box every time she walked by.

I was very concerned at first that DD and DH would pressure her to stop crying and get over it. This would be their typical response. I have learned so much here about validation, grieving the many losses with my DD, and having good boundaries based on values. This helped me today with her. And it was awesome to watch the others respond to my model of these new ways of coping. Without my having to explain what I was doing or why.

I also have hopes that the lessons gd is experiencing will help DD with so many losses in her life [long story], and with dh as he experiences his mom's final stages of Alzhiemers. We can all learn from gd's experiences.

And then tonight there was a flood of toads in our yard. We have a big one, gd named Jason, that comes back each year from under our shed. The there were 3 babies and another big one tonight. There have been no other toads all summer. And she had this hour of joy before she let them go in the yard again [they cannot live in a box as we do not have live bugs to feed them]. Awesome distraction.

Thanks for allowing me to share this story of my family with you. Hope this is the best forum to share. This was hard for me - my tears were for gd's pain, not the loss of the cricket. And she seemed to accept my crying with her, as did dh and DD. They all usually ban me to my room to cry. What an awesome change.

qcr

[mamachelle]

Hi qcarolr,

This is a good story, and thanks for sharing. Been thinking about it this morning and the frog part makes me smile... . I find that the change I have been able to introduce using tools I have learned with my kids/stepkids and having DH on board with it... . doesn't happen at all once. It's more like going back and saying "hey we have come pretty far from this time last year or two years ago."

 to you and gd.

 mamachelle

[Blazing Star]

My gd8, who dh and I have had custody of since infancy, lost her much loved cricket yesterday. She has been devasted. She hates to cry or have anyone else cry or show emotion. She has cried off and on last night and today. It has been a lesson in coping with loss and grief for all of us in the household.

I think this is huge, that she never usually cries or is not comfortable with emotion, and it sounds like you are holding the space so well for her to get comfortable with this! I know it must be hard watching her grieve, but it is so healthy that she is allowing herself to feel these intense feelings. Perhaps this has been a trigger for some buried emotions she has been holding on to for a while?

Love Blazing Star

[qcarolr]

Gd is processing all this in such a healthy 8-year old way seems to me. She found a new cricket yesterday evening - rescued a tiny girl cricket missing a leg. She could not get close enought to the chirping males to catch one. Dh and I went out with her to search. So we came home and she set up a fresh habitat for it. No name yet. And now she is able to have Cheito's little paper pyramid on the shelf next to the new baby one. She can still is in tears occasionally - she calls to me from the other room. I sit with her, hug her, rub her back, try to not talk too much. Then she moves on to the next interest.

This is such good practice in feeling her feelings and being OK with them. Knowing they can come and go. It is such good practice for me in validating these feelings by leaning into them with her, and not trying to make it all better.

There will be some losses when school starts I think. She did not see her best friends name on the 3rd grade class lists posted at school yesterday. She may be going to school closer to where her mom lives now. Not sure how that will work out on the week's her friend is in our neighborhood with the dad. It is actually a good thing. Gd needs to find more kids to play with at recess and build freindships for outside school with. Pushes me outside my comfort zone to support her in this -- the playdate part and building MY relationships with the other parents.

Seems everything is a lesson to be learned and practiced.

qcr