staying: Her terms for ME

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, I've only recently started posting here on bpdfamily since my "break up" with my girlfriend, and initially I was doing my posting on the L3 board.  I've realized over the last two weeks that I really need to be posting here, since we are in this limbo state of mending/working on things.

Our breakup happened extremely suddenly, when she got upset about not spending the night alone together, but rather with my family for about an hour for dinner, and stated "i'm not happy anymore", and left abruptly. 

The next day she did admit that the first thing she did was call her ex, who was also someone she was carrying out an emotional relationship via text/phone for some time in the very beginning of our relationship.  Of course this ex was a boundary for our entire relationship, that she immediately crossed.  She tells me that I will never understand it.  She tells me that its not about emotions or desires, its about validation.  She says she needs to feel wanted and needed and can not be alone, so when we have arguments or disagreements, she goes to this girl for that validation that she is special, I guess.

She explained that there are times, when she does not feel desired by me, as she did in the beginning.  She wants constant affection.  Which I am usually the BOSS of.  I am always about showering my affection.  For her, its more about 100%, 100% of the time.  Which means, if we are out with my friends, I can not pay 99% of my attention to her and 1% to my friends.  She feels unwanted for that small amount of time.  It wasn't unusual for her to say she felt "disconnected" from me if I wasn't able to see her for a day.  Literally, one day, full of communication through text or phone calls, but she still felt disconnected.  It was in these moments she needed that validation, and would go get it from this chick.

Anyway, I love the girl.  I love her, and I understand her deep rooted issues with broken relationships of all kinds, feeling abandoned by the people she loves the most, emotion regulation and mood shifting. So, I want to work it out.  I don't want to leave this girl because she was work with a mental health issue.

But, lets be honest:  She was the one that carried an emotional relationship for a minimum of two months (when I finally found out) with this other girl, and openly turned to her less than ten minutes after our "break up". 

As we have been trying to work things out, shes come up with some terms for me.  First, I am not allowed to ask about anything regarding the two weeks we were "broken up".  All I know is that she did turn to this girl within the first ten minutes.  She did tell me that she "didn't sleep with anyone else".  So, what does that even mean?  Did she kiss someone?  Her?  This other girl is such a damn annoyance to me.  What kind of person feeds off of someone in their weakest moments for personal gratification?  I know that she was using some heavy drugs during these weeks, but she said I can't ask about it.  She is not a drug user, she never has been, so its concerning for me. 

I also need to be more affectionate, and show her how much I need her and love her.  This can not be just in words, it needs to be physical.  She says she needs to know that she is different than any other girl I've ever dated. None of this is even a question to me.  She IS different, and I AM affectionate, and she IS needed.  I am such an overwhelmingly affectionate person, so this part is confusing to me, but she says its what she needs and its why she wanted to break up, so I'm doing everything I can to do it.  Then she says she "can't be sure that she isn't just another girl" and "why are you trying so hard?"  Helloo... . because you said you need me to!  Its like she punishes me for doing what she has asked.

The main one for me is that obviously, something happened with someone else, most likely this other chick that she has already been unfaithful with, during these two weeks.  Should I swallow it?  Should I play it off as part of the whole emotional disregulation thing?  Am I setting up for a disaster?  This is so hard.

[Morrison11]

So, I've only recently started posting here on bpdfamily since my "break up" with my girlfriend, and initially I was doing my posting on the L3 board.  I've realized over the last two weeks that I really need to be posting here, since we are in this limbo state of mending/working on things.

Our breakup happened extremely suddenly, when she got upset about not spending the night alone together, but rather with my family for about an hour for dinner, and stated "i'm not happy anymore", and left abruptly. 

The next day she did admit that the first thing she did was call her ex, who was also someone she was carrying out an emotional relationship via text/phone for some time in the very beginning of our relationship.  Of course this ex was a boundary for our entire relationship, that she immediately crossed.  She tells me that I will never understand it.  She tells me that its not about emotions or desires, its about validation.  She says she needs to feel wanted and needed and can not be alone, so when we have arguments or disagreements, she goes to this girl for that validation that she is special, I guess.

She explained that there are times, when she does not feel desired by me, as she did in the beginning.  She wants constant affection.  Which I am usually the BOSS of.  I am always about showering my affection.  For her, its more about 100%, 100% of the time.  Which means, if we are out with my friends, I can not pay 99% of my attention to her and 1% to my friends.  She feels unwanted for that small amount of time.  It wasn't unusual for her to say she felt "disconnected" from me if I wasn't able to see her for a day.  Literally, one day, full of communication through text or phone calls, but she still felt disconnected.  It was in these moments she needed that validation, and would go get it from this chick.

Anyway, I love the girl.  I love her, and I understand her deep rooted issues with broken relationships of all kinds, feeling abandoned by the people she loves the most, emotion regulation and mood shifting. So, I want to work it out.  I don't want to leave this girl because she was work with a mental health issue.

But, lets be honest:  She was the one that carried an emotional relationship for a minimum of two months (when I finally found out) with this other girl, and openly turned to her less than ten minutes after our "break up". 

As we have been trying to work things out, shes come up with some terms for me.  First, I am not allowed to ask about anything regarding the two weeks we were "broken up".  All I know is that she did turn to this girl within the first ten minutes.  She did tell me that she "didn't sleep with anyone else".  So, what does that even mean?  Did she kiss someone?  Her?  This other girl is such a damn annoyance to me.  What kind of person feeds off of someone in their weakest moments for personal gratification?  I know that she was using some heavy drugs during these weeks, but she said I can't ask about it.  She is not a drug user, she never has been, so its concerning for me. 

I also need to be more affectionate, and show her how much I need her and love her.  This can not be just in words, it needs to be physical.  She says she needs to know that she is different than any other girl I've ever dated. None of this is even a question to me.  She IS different, and I AM affectionate, and she IS needed.  I am such an overwhelmingly affectionate person, so this part is confusing to me, but she says its what she needs and its why she wanted to break up, so I'm doing everything I can to do it.  Then she says she "can't be sure that she isn't just another girl" and "why are you trying so hard?"  Helloo... . because you said you need me to!  Its like she punishes me for doing what she has asked.

The main one for me is that obviously, something happened with someone else, most likely this other chick that she has already been unfaithful with, during these two weeks.  Should I swallow it?  Should I play it off as part of the whole emotional disregulation thing?  Am I setting up for a disaster?  This is so hard.

[Surnia]

Hi morrison11

so sorry to hear about your very difficult rs! 

What I see trough your lines: You are in the middle of very typical things with a person with BPD: Push, pull, another girl, drugs.

Yes, it is true, validation is something very important. I can relate however with your feelings about the her terms... .

Yes, it is hard.

Should I swallow it? Should I play it off as part of the whole emotional disregulation thing?  Am I setting up for a disaster?

Perhaps you can step a bit back and think about your own values. Which kind of relationship do you want? What about your boundaries?

Perhaps some reading here would be helpful. We have LESSONS here on bpdfamily.com:Lessons for members who are staying in their relationships. There is a part about our role, Lessons 2. This could be helpful, even if you are not decided to stay.

Stay in touch, Morrison.