Really? He Doesn't Remember That?

[maryy16]

I know my H sometimes has a hard time remembering things... . but this is the worst I've seen in 30 years.  He forgets little things or parts of conversations, but I have never known him to forget FULL ON situations! I wonder if anyone else has experienced this... .

About a month ago we were out driving.  I was driving, he was in the passenger seat.  We were stopped at a red light and our son texted me, so I replied to the text (all while stopped, not moving).  Well, the light turned green and I did not start going right away because I was finishing my text (huge trigger for my H).  He started in on me saying things like "Get going!", "You're holding up traffic!".  Then he said "You do know that you were breaking the law, right?" I said that I wasn't texting AND driving, so I really didn't think I was breaking any laws.  Well, that set him off even worse and he started going on and on about how it IS against the law, that as long I as am behind the wheel in a car that is turned on, then I cannot text at all, even while stopped because I need to be in full control of the vehicle. He talked over me, trying to cut me off if I tried to say anything (which is typical when he rages). I didn't argue too much and he didn't eventually dropped it and the situation did not develop into a huge rage.

Ok... . fast forward to yesterday and guess what?

HE got a ticket for SITTING at a stop light and TEXTING!  I swear to you this happened!  So he called and told me about it and kept saying how he couldn't believe he got a ticket for that and how he was being safe by waiting to text at a red light, and how could this even be against the law.  He talked as if this is the first time we had ever talked about this issue!

I listened to him and then finally said.  "This is so funny because just a few weeks ago you were giving ME a hard time about texting while in the driver's seat. You're the one who told me that it was against the law to do that".

He replied with "What? I never said that". So I explained the whole exchange to him that we had a month ago and he claims he remembers nothing about that!  And I believe him because he didn't start to rage, he seemed truly baffled.

So I just said to him "So, if you don't remember saying it was against the law, then you were just giving me ___ and just making stuff up in order to make me feel bad?"

He just replied with "Stop... . I didn't say any of that".  But he did not rage, which was weird in itself because obviously he can't stand to be told that anything is wrong with him. 

This has really thrown me for a loop and I'm wondering if he is getting worse or what is going on? I guess I'm so used to his "usual" behavior that   this change in behavior has me worried... .

[Finallyblooming]

LOL Divine karma and ego, got to love it.

I would bet you dollar to donuts, he remembers. He remembers full and totally well.

One thing I noticed is DD19, and dmom both do the selective memory if it means that they were someway faulty, but they do remember it, the challenge is getting them to admit it, best become a dentist and start pulling teeth, it'll be easier. I suggest  that you take the simple joy of the karma retribution and move on. He heard you and the point was made more than likely. PS I'm non and texting at red lights is also a pet peeve D21 does it all the time and I want to rip the battery out of her phone.

[Sadsue]

My husband also forgets things that happens when he is in a rage, 3 weeks ago in the middle of a rage he grabbed the corkscrew and started stabbing his legs with it, then he broke it in pieces, it was a metal one so how he had the strength I don't know!  Anyway 2 nights ago on a rare good night he was looking for it, he asked if I had seen it, looked everywhere.  Because it was a calm night and I didn't want to trigger him I didn't mention it but it amazes me he doesn't remember.  It just show they really have no idea what they say and do during a rage.

[momtara]

"I never said that" is a key BPD phrase.

There has been debate on this board about whether they really have forgotten the incident or conversation, or whether they are so ashamed or triggered by it that their mind tricks them into not remembering, or it's just a pathological lie.  I wish I knew.

It is a bit scary, but definitely characteristic of the disorder.

[maryy16]

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I've just never known him to forget something that big. Just BPD rearing its ugly head, I guess.

Sadsue... . Wow! If your H can forget stabbing himself and breaking the corkscrew, then I guess my H can forget the statements he makes.  So frustrating!

[Surnia]

I agree with sadsue, strong emotions can affect the ability to remember things.

And yes, maryy16, it is very confusing this kind of "memory leaks". I can relate with it, it happened often in my marriage.

It took my very long not to argue about it and not be doubtful about myself.

[Washisheart]

Mine conveniently never remembers these types of things either

[allinthesmall]

This is very interesting. I've noticed over the years my H would conveniently forget when he would rage or do something wrong. But now he is forgetting regular conversations, too. And he'll ask me the same question multiple times in one evening. If I didn't know better I would suspect Alzheimers.

These episodes seem to occur more frequently when H is struggling to keep his BPD traits from being obvious. I wonder if it's a chemical imbalance in the brain? Abnormalities of the brain in BPD people was mentioned in SWOES.

Or, is it a form of PTSD? I know I was forgetting a lot of what was going on until my kids got old enough to bring it to my attention and I started journaling. I read that a person being abused can have missing memories from blocking things out.

Could it be that during these episodes they are so stressed and fearful that they, too, have some PTSD?

I don't know, though. A lot of the time it seems like ego. I think he blocks it out  sometimes because to acknowledge it would force him to see who he really is.

[maryy16]

I sometimes suspect Alzheimers too... . even he gets worried sometimes... . because he will forget things not having to do with his raging.  I also suspect it could be the medications he is on (or a combination of the medications).  He's on so many.  And it's definitely getting worse with age.

I find that he also interrupts conversations quite differently than everyone else.  He seems to "miss out" on the main topic.  He focuses on some minor thing that was said rather than the gist of the conversation.

[eyvindr]

I find that he also interrupts conversations quite differently than everyone else.  He seems to "miss out" on the main topic.  He focuses on some minor thing that was said rather than the gist of the conversation.

SO familiar. Used to joke with my BPD gf that she often had completely different definitions for familiar words and phrases. But, in seriousness, it was just the type of jumbled perceptions that made communication so, so very difficult -- and was always worse when discussing anything potentially emotionally charged, let alone arguing. Awful. Hopeless. Impossible to ever really feel like something I was sincerely, desperately, even, trying to convey got much beyond vibrations in her inner ear.

[SadWifeofBPD]

So I just said to him "So, if you don't remember saying it was against the law, then you were just giving me ___ and just making stuff up in order to make me feel bad?"

That is exactly what happened, which is why he doesn't remember it.  At the time, he grabbed for something (texting while sitting) to yell at you about because the light was green and you hadn't yet moved. 

This is a classic example of the hypocrisy that BPD's exhibit.  They'll yell at you about something, but then do it themselves and have no memory of the prior event... . because the action really wasn't the offense. 

It's likely that when you repeatedly pointed out that he did yell at you for texting while sitting, he did remember the situation a little (or a lot), which is why he didn't rage... . but he didn't want to admit it.

He probably does remember being angry that you didn't move the car as soon as the light was green, but he doesn't remember what he chose to yell at you about (texting) because THAT wasn't his real issue. 


>>

It just show they really have no idea what they say and do during a rage.

<<


This is VERY true... . very true.  My H has no memory of taking over half of my closet and throwing the stuff away in some dumpster somewhere.  However, at least he admits that he did do it... . but only after some "evidence" showed up in my closet that he couldn't deny was from him.

[wishfulthinking]

eyvindr




I have to ask for examples here... . .  Mine says words wrong all the time and don't dare correct him.  Minimal instead of minimum, just instead of gist, there's another one he says all the time and I can't remember right now.  Being a business owner dealing with clients, you'd think he'd want to say them right.

[momtara]

I wonder if they can't come to terms with their behavior and the pain it causes, so they suppress the memory.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I wonder if they can't come to terms with their behavior and the pain it causes, so they suppress the memory.

Absolutely.  They'd feel too much shame. 

When you think about it, the genesis of their BPD could be from a suppressed memory of something that happened to THEM.  Many (maybe most or all) pwBPD had something upsetting or awful happen to them as young children.  And, many have likely suppressed that memory (or memories). 

My H only rather recently remembered being terrorized witnessing his very drunk grandfather abusing his grandmother.   H remembered being very scared.  Makes me wonder if this grandfather also abused my H? 

[momtara]

Yeah, I think they don't want to feel powerless or vulnerable like they did when they were young.