Anyone heard about them getting better with their new partners?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I worry about this same exact thing, in fact I almost torture myself with it. I noticed today that he pulled his profile off of the dating site... so I of course assume that he has met someone. I pictured them out to dinner, he holding her hands, picking a drink for her, charming her with sweetness and excellent conversation, etc... . I wonder if she will be the one that he is happy with, that he won't pull his BS on, won't disappear/abandon/ignore/cheat... . It eats me alive to fathom him being with another woman.  After 30 recycles in a year, you think I would be relieved to not hear from him, but I am not. Every time I get a text and its NOT him, a little piece of me dies inside... . and then I figure he is with someone else and that is why he is not texting

I know how you are feeling. Recovering from this is diff than any breakup I have dealt with in the past. It sucks

[sadinnc98]

I worry about this same exact thing, in fact I almost torture myself with it. I noticed today that he pulled his profile off of the dating site... so I of course assume that he has met someone. I pictured them out to dinner, he holding her hands, picking a drink for her, charming her with sweetness and excellent conversation, etc... . I wonder if she will be the one that he is happy with, that he won't pull his BS on, won't disappear/abandon/ignore/cheat... . It eats me alive to fathom him being with another woman.  After 30 recycles in a year, you think I would be relieved to not hear from him, but I am not. Every time I get a text and its NOT him, a little piece of me dies inside... . and then I figure he is with someone else and that is why he is not texting

I know how you are feeling. Recovering from this is diff than any breakup I have dealt with in the past. It sucks

[GreenMango]

Dizzy you are hurt by his treatment.  It's totally understandable to be hurt when someone treats you poorly.


Better is relative.  It could be the next person doesn't mind or has different expectations than you.  It may work for them, but it might not be what works for you.

Better in the prosocial and commonly accepted ways healthy relationships work, the course of treatment for BPD takes years.  There is a family component too.  It's a huge endeavor by all that requires all members to be very committed to this change.  It's not something that the behavior magically disappears meeting the right person.

Know that your expectation for good treatment is okay.  And that lowering them for one person who can't get it together isn't necessary.

[123Phoebe]

It's crazy really, I've read so much and I go against what I know to be true and because of that I still ask these questions.

^^Have you considered delving into this a bit more?^^

I think it's pretty common for "nons" to second guess themselves.  And it has everything to do with the non, not the BPD sufferer.  We were most likely wired this way long before pwBPD came into our lives.

We play a role in our relationships, a BIG one.  We also tend to play havoc with ourselves.

Just something to ponder... .

[peas]

After 30 recycles in a year

Sadinnc98, that's quite a habit. Do you really think he can or will change that after you?

Also, to all of us out there torturing ourselves with this question about whether our exBPDers find happiness with someone else, we assume that the next someone else will love them the day we did. Did we ever consider the next person will get wind of the BPD and bolt? Or maybe the BPD will treat them worse than us? My exBPD's wife left him for another man. Just because I was dysfunctionally attached to the guy doesn't mean everyone else will be.

[sadinnc98]

After 30 recycles in a year

Sadinnc98, that's quite a habit. Do you really think he can or will change that after you?

Also, to all of us out there torturing ourselves with this question about whether our exBPDers find happiness with someone else, we assume that the next someone else will love them the day we did. Did we ever consider the next person will get wind of the BPD and bolt? Or maybe the BPD will treat them worse than us? My exBPD's wife left him for another man. Just because I was dysfunctionally attached to the guy doesn't mean everyone else will be.

I know-the 30 recycles is a LOT-for one year... the emotional toll has been nothing short of tremendous.    I know that prior to me, he had a VERY tumultuous relationship with his second ex-wife-on and off engagements, had her name tattooed on him and covered up three different times-that says a lot there and so I have a feeling this is his pattern. Can he change... . my gut tells me at this stage, and at his age (51) the likelihood is low.

I also think the majority of women would not stay with him. Everyone I know thinks I am crazy.  I eventually got sucked in and 30 recycles later, here I am... . a shell of the person I was... .   I felt sorry for him, I blamed his craziness on the fact that he didn't know better, hadn't dated in years, etc... . (found out later that was all lies)  So I proceeded right into the fire with this when there were a million red flags waving... and then I figured out the BPD and it all began making sense.

Most women would have BAILED after the first date-he really appeared crazy... Ill have to share those stories sometime and how his words to explain his actions (again lies) made me justify, feel sorry for and accept him... . however I still think the majority would never have went out with him again.

[Iamdizzy]

30 recycles geez... . I thought my 8-9 was a lot for one year.  My BPDex often claimed either 1 of 2 things "the guy just uses her for sex" or "they fall madly in love with her within the first two weeks". I like to think that both will realize some later rather than sooner that she has issues.

[findingmyselfagain]

I'd echo everyone else here. I actually heard by email from several people who knew her during different phases of the r/s. They all confirmed the EXTREME history of relationships and that she pretty much always told everyone I was wonderful. So when it was over, it was the extreme devaluation as per the disorder. I wondered if I missed something for the longest, and yes, there were red flags. Who doesn't want to be in love though, and hear the lofty sentiments? But all of the romance has no lasting value. It still all seems very surreal to me. I'm not quite as angry with her. I understand it's more or less just the way she is. I want better for myself going forward. I won't play the pwBPD game again. I'm 3 years out and I'm just feeling like wow, I've spent so much time on this experience. I really do need to learn something from it.

[Relentless]

My ex stayed with an abuser for 4.5 years. She had two boyfriends after that guy and before me. Her parents never heard her call them her boyfriend. Matter of fact, they don't even think she dated the more recent of the two.

Anyways, I think she had fun with the one guy... . But she said they hung out once a week at best.

I was her first serious intense loving relationship. I don't think she understands what happened. She said she never argues before etc... But also never loved like this.

I wonder what she will be like with the next guy. But I take it as a compliment that I loved her enough to get her to love me back, even if it wasn't true love. I'm the only guy that she was like that with, because no one else triggered her abandonment issues cuz she never got close with them.

Idk, just a thought. Maybe she is having fun, but there is no attachment or real love.

[cska]

It depends how much self confidence and self respect the new person has. If the new guy has low self respect, she will be able to abuse him longer until he becomes fed up with it and decides to leave.

I'll be the first to say that I had zero self respect, and so I was able to stay with my ex for a year. Anyone who has normal common sense would have left maybe a couple of months into the relationship.

But yes, Iamdizzy, I ask the question a lot, because deep inside I still feel like its my fault. Deep inside I feel like I'm the bad guy, and that she will be happy with the new guy because he's a good guy, and I'm not. She has told me many times that I'm the worst human being ever, and I find myself believing that. (Maybe I'm not the worst, but I feel like a bad person. Selfish, unattractive, the whole nine.)

[charred]

I am leery of the story we get from our pwBPD when it comes to their ex's... so far each thing I checked out has been 100% untrue. YMMV.

I was told that I was the only one that she "really loved"... but with her having been married and divorced twice, engaged 7 times and not even knowing how many guys she dated... . I am fairly skeptical.

[Relentless]

Mine was a passive internal sufferer, has had few "relationships". I believe her because her parents confirmed it. But does not matter. I'm painted black and she said she is done with me and never coming back etc. it is what it is.

[Iamdizzy]

I too am leery of their stories, durin our last conversation over the phone she had no problem telling me whatsoever how much better she is without me. How AMAZING her life is and she's leaps and bounds better. Making it seem as if I was the dead weight, the anchor that's supressing her from achieving happiness. Such bull___.

How could someone who is 27 years old suddenly improve her behavior and attitude not to mention her Mental Illness all within a month, or a year, or 2,3,4,5, years?

[gettingoverit]

I too am leery of their stories, durin our last conversation over the phone she had no problem telling me whatsoever how much better she is without me. How AMAZING her life is and she's leaps and bounds better. Making it seem as if I was the dead weight, the anchor that's supressing her from achieving happiness. Such bull___.

How could someone who is 27 years old suddenly improve her behavior and attitude not to mention her Mental Illness all within a month, or a year, or 2,3,4,5, years?

That's just it... . they can't. I think that is what they tell themselves in order to feel better. I think deep down they know they have some serious issues, but as long as they keep telling you and others how happy and better they are, it gives them an excuse not to take a good look in the mirror. Don't believe it. I was made to feel like the "dead weight" too, but whenever I second guess myself, I remind myself of her past and all the people she screwed over and lied too. You are not the dead weight, she is... . and deep down she knows it.

[mcc503764]

This question has already been answered in prior posts, but ALL OF US are "happy/better" in the honeymoon phase of the relationship... . the trick is that when this phase is over, and real life / reality kicks in, how will they respond?

It's like when you buy a new car.  You're proud and happy... . but eventually the new car smell wears off and you're still stuck with the payments!

MCC

[Iamdizzy]

MCC well said!  that's the part that, I assume they do not know how to react to.

Gettingoverit- I Agree, my BPDex knew she had issues she would constantly tell me that but I think they split us black, and give off this "I am happy" facade that they actually start believing their own BS. Being with a new person to them is the same as self medicating. It postpones them from looking within because they have some sort of external entertainment. My BPDex often felt inferior because I had my live together while her life was a puddle of mud, I always supported her in every choice she made that would better her future, I'd be the first to offer encouragement, but i'm the deadweight right? 

[mcc503764]

MCC well said!  that's the part that, I assume they do not know how to react to.

My x had NO adult coping skills whatsoever... . she wasn't capable, that's the truth... .

She was wonderful around children and animals.  She would often say how "easy they were to be around because they were so simple and didn't require too much thought."  Well, nicely put.  That summed up her mentality... .

MCC

[peas]

I think deep down they know they have some serious issues, but as long as they keep telling you and others how happy and better they are, it gives them an excuse not to take a good look in the mirror. Don't believe it.

It's not only about telling us and others how much better they are getting along post-breakup, it's them wanting to convince themselves, if anything for temporary relief. When my exuBPDbf broke up with me in dramatic fashion,  suddenly he was "happy" we were done. Which probably has some truth to it because he was so tortured in the r/s. But he's also a proud alcoholic with a mental illness. His happy is superficial and relative.

Unhappy people's brains are on overdrive. Unhappy people derogate what they want but don't receive whereas happy people are okay when they don't receive something they choose. See this story: www.nytimes.com/2013/04/21/fashion/happiness-inc.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

[mcc503764]

I think deep down they know they have some serious issues, but as long as they keep telling you and others how happy and better they are, it gives them an excuse not to take a good look in the mirror. Don't believe it.

It's not only about telling us and others how much better they are getting along post-breakup, it's them wanting to convince themselves, if anything for temporary relief. When my exuBPDbf broke up with me in dramatic fashion,  suddenly he was "happy" we were done. Which probably has some truth to it because he was so tortured in the r/s. But he's also a proud alcoholic with a mental illness. His happy is superficial and relative.

Unhappy people's brains are on overdrive. Unhappy people derogate what they want but don't receive whereas happy people are okay when they don't receive something they choose. See this story: www.nytimes.com/2013/04/21/fashion/happiness-inc.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Good point on this one!  My x could sleep at night, and still cant (so she says) without some sort of industrial strength benzo... . claims her mind is always racing, overthinks everything, overanalyzes things too much... .

We've all got "problems." Health, financial, family, etc... . You can think it to death, but at the end of the day, all you can do is the best that you can, try and make good choices, and accept reality for what it is!

MCC

[confusedhubby]

HiIamDizzy.

Great question.

I would not put any stock in what your ex says. See with BPD's they are emotionally immature an run from there problems.  For them a new lover is just a great escape. Kind of like a fantasy vacation. It makes them feel so wonderful to be able to put the problems they created in there last relationship. A new lover gives them the opportunity to re-invent themselves. Come up with a new persona that is noting like the horrible one she was with you. Also it should be remembered that many BPD's have sex / love addiction issues. They are so emotionally immature that any type of acceptance by there new partner they equate with intense love. It makes them feel invigorated. Makes them do things that they never would with there ex partner. The endorphins rush and the mind dreams... . and next thing you know they are over the top.


However all of this is a complete façade! You cannot fall in love like that. It's just infatuation. For BPD's they have a strong under-current of emotional conflicts that are tugging at them. The BPD may be able to numb these emotional worries with the new lover but its just a temporary fix. Sooner or later there emotional issues will get a hold of them and will begin to control there persona just as they have always done.

Think of it this way: It's no different than an alcoholic who binge drinks to numb the pain. Or a junkie who shoots heroin to escape how terribly there life has become. While the alcohol / drugs have them high they will feel wonderful. Eventually however they will come down and fall back to reality and there problems will still be there.

For myself, my BPDw left me and the kids saying she had to find herself so she could be there for the children in the future. Within 3 weeks she told me she was in love. Said she had not felt this way in 20 years! Started spending money on him like crazy. Doing sexual things with him that she would never with me. Letting him move in within days. In week 5 he said that he was still in love with his ex and this just made my wife even more obsessive about him. But the funny thing is that even while she was "exclusive" with him she was still cheating on him.

Eventually, no one can know when, she will come off of her high and see that he was not worth it -- this usually happens once the BPD has "captured" the new lover and the love addiction ends. Who knows when this will be but it will happen and when it does she will be back to being depressed and having to face her life long demons. So she will try to find another lover who does the same thing -- maybe even recycle her past partners. No different than an alcoholic or junky jonesing for a fix.

BTW's this is also why many people with BPD also have serious substance abuse problems. They will do anything to run away from there problems.

[gallerykey]

At the moment where i am in my suffering i dont want him to ever be happy with a new partner, i hope in time i will like to think he can have happiness but i dont believe he will. Over 2 years together during that time he got diagnosed,started meds and therapy but was lying to his therapist so had no real intention of going through with help. The moment he left he stopped therapy and meds so i dont believe he will be any better for the next 20 girlfriends he is likely to have in his life time.

For me i have gone back over previous partners. His 1st gf was 15 when pregnant he was 22 (i never knew about this until days before our break up, it was me finding it out that made him run, his shame) he walked out on gf and baby. 2nd gf, she was 17 he was 24, again he ran, couldnt bond with the baby and has had not alot to do with her over last 15 years (has never seen number 1 child)  3rd gf, this one lasts 11 years but extremely on and off. When daughter was 1 they split and he got another girl pregnant (she had abortion) gf had many years of his anger, push/pull, jelousy, splitting but it was put down to him just being b****y awkward. 2nd daughter came along and things got worse, finally she has had enough and makes him leave (she has told me so much he did to her which is all i had too) so gf 4, together for a year, shes very supportive and he says hes looking into getting help but apparantly everytime he went to docs he was actually out with another woman, she knew he was cheating but always forgave him, he decided one day out the blue to just leave her (she also had all the push/pull, splitting etc) he portrayed her to me as a sad, pathetic, mad woman who soo loved him and didnt want it over, she told me this in parts was true, she was finding it hard to let go but she never wanted to be with him (i didnt get it at the time but wish i had listened to her warnings. Along comes me (can read my posts to know what happened) i had exactly the same experience as them, blissfully happy and in love, engaged due to marry next year, then the cracks appear, push/pull, splitting, jeousy, anger rages, tears, suicide threats ALL OF IT... . then the moment im blasting him with catching him out on endless lies he runs away and i mean runs, no looking back, not a single word of goodbye, he had moved on a few days prior with a woman he met on dating site without me knowing. He did the same to her, within a week she was in love with him and he used all the same words (I have never felt this way before, i feel so young again, i cant imagine my life without you, this really is it for me etc etc etc) i told her the real truth about him and so she caught his lies out very quick and dumped him. Judging by his statuses hes got yet another gf and i KNOW he is doing it all again, all the same words, the same behaviour, so do i think he will be better for his next partner? NO, NO,NO. How can he be when he is repeating everything the same each time, even with therapy i dont believe he would of really changed, I wish he could as i would of stood by him. The fact i know its him and not me helps but its hard keeping a grip on it all. I feel myself failing everyday in this journey, the last 9 days have been the hardest of my life and it sucks to know ive got such a long way to go.

[ucmeicu2]

I was her first serious intense loving relationship. I don't think she understands what happened. She said she never argues before etc... But also never loved like this.

<cut> But I take it as a compliment that I loved her enough to get her to love me back, even if it wasn't true love. I'm the only guy that she was like that with, because no one else triggered her abandonment issues cuz she never got close with them.

<cut> Maybe she is having fun, but there is no attachment or real love.

it's ironic, when you put it that way - and i only thought of it that way for the first time very recently, since reading all these forums here:  it actually is a compliment... .   my xBPDgf never imploded with anyone the way she did with me, and she also said she'd never felt this way before... . so much in love at the same time feeling safety and excitement.  she had had one or the other but never all 3 at the same time.  i was her first to feel love AND safety AND excitement (ie great intimacy and sex).  and you know what?  she was my first too.  THAT is why it;s so hard for me to let go... . i just feel so strongly that she was 1-in-a-million for me and i'll never have that again.  and that is so dmn depressing.

icu2

[ucmeicu2]

Unhappy people's brains are on overdrive.

<cut>'Good point on this one!  My x could sleep at night, and still cant (so she says) without some sort of industrial strength benzo... . claims her mind is always racing, overthinks everything, overanalyzes things too much... . [/quote]
my xBPDgf was the same way, exponentially.  i mean, she;d take 2 max strength ambiens and 2 benzo's and STILL not lay down and sleep.  that scared me when i saw that!    and at it's worst, she would stay up so long (talking days here) that she would just "drop and sleep" wherever she happened to be... . imagine if that happened behind the wheel?  her license was suspended (for DUI's) but that didn't stop her from driving. 

icu2

[peas]

My ex could sleep just fine, full 9 hours no problem without sleep aids. His overactive mind was during waking hours. I could tell he spent a lot of nervous energy worrying about everything -- worrying about maintaining a normal life with alcohol abuse and mental illness, worrying about pleasing me, worrying about his insecurities, worrying about his future. You name it.

[Iamdizzy]

my BPDex would often have nightmares but loved sleeping. Saturday and sunday she would wake up at 4 whenever she stayed at my place. She loved sleep. I think it was the only way she could escape her thoughts for a while. Shame.