Anyone else Tired of not being good enough?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Two weeks ago he was in a rush to get married. Today he is on one of his tangents and preaches he settled and is stuck. No, we didn't tie the knot. My choice.

How much can someone sacrifice and still not be good enough before they finally realize it is all in vain. He gave his notice at work 7 months ago without having another job lined up. I worked two jobs to take care of our home, didn't complain. Took it all in stride. But was deep on the job search for him. I have my bachelors degree and spend my days doing chart reviews (sadly at a place I also feel very unappreciated). He never went hungry or had to go without a shower. Yet he is settling.

So while he is lecturing me on what a horrible person I am, I see this familiar pattern. My mother always resented me. I was not what she wanted. I did not make her happy. No matter how many A's, how many awards, how many scholarships or the fact I got accepted to every college I applied to. She bragged to friends and family. But deep down til this day, she resents me.

I'm just so tired of spreading myself thin to the point of breaking and never mind not getting any ackowledgement for it, but actually getting torn down for it. I have come to the conclusion that this will just always be my life. No matter how good of a catch I am on paper, obviously to live with me is to see a side of me I just can't. The only people I ever made happy are my dad (gone) my grandmother (gone) and my daughter.

I am just so discouraged right now. I don't feel like I belong in this life anymore. Except I won't leave my daughter. The thought of picking up and running away has crossed my mind, but then won't I be as bad as him?

How do we learn how to deal with them projecting their inadequacies onto us? What do you guys do? Normally I handle him ok but today his words really got to me to the point I haven't even looked in his direction 

[Washisheart]

No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Two weeks ago he was in a rush to get married. Today he is on one of his tangents and preaches he settled and is stuck. No, we didn't tie the knot. My choice.

How much can someone sacrifice and still not be good enough before they finally realize it is all in vain. He gave his notice at work 7 months ago without having another job lined up. I worked two jobs to take care of our home, didn't complain. Took it all in stride. But was deep on the job search for him. I have my bachelors degree and spend my days doing chart reviews (sadly at a place I also feel very unappreciated). He never went hungry or had to go without a shower. Yet he is settling.

So while he is lecturing me on what a horrible person I am, I see this familiar pattern. My mother always resented me. I was not what she wanted. I did not make her happy. No matter how many A's, how many awards, how many scholarships or the fact I got accepted to every college I applied to. She bragged to friends and family. But deep down til this day, she resents me.

I'm just so tired of spreading myself thin to the point of breaking and never mind not getting any ackowledgement for it, but actually getting torn down for it. I have come to the conclusion that this will just always be my life. No matter how good of a catch I am on paper, obviously to live with me is to see a side of me I just can't. The only people I ever made happy are my dad (gone) my grandmother (gone) and my daughter.

I am just so discouraged right now. I don't feel like I belong in this life anymore. Except I won't leave my daughter. The thought of picking up and running away has crossed my mind, but then won't I be as bad as him?

How do we learn how to deal with them projecting their inadequacies onto us? What do you guys do? Normally I handle him ok but today his words really got to me to the point I haven't even looked in his direction 

[sadeyes]

I don't have any advice, but you are so not alone. He got himself fired by being a pain. I am working 80+ hrs a week to keep everything up. Doing whatever housework gets done, cooking what gets cooked, and all he can do is complain about what doesn't get done. He is at home all day sleeping, playing on computer, sending me emails of things he wants me to buy for him (and I deal with 2 yr old tantrums when I don't).

A simple 'thank you' or coming home to a cooked meal would be so nice. Instead I hear day after day what he is dissatisfied by.

Hugs to you!

[Washisheart]

Yes I am always hearing about his wants as well. He's wanting rims for his car, meanwhile my car payment is behind and if I say anything to shatter his fantasies, he can't stand me.

Today I think I was super p/o because I worked all day and went grocery shopping. Yet he can't pick his a... . up off the couch to carry bags in? Then I got him lunches he said before he would like to try but well now he changed his mind and he ain't eating that garbage. Then he took the tv and put it in his man cave which is when all hell broke loose because he pawned it TWICE and both timesi had to pay to get it out.

This man used to be my best friend. I hate living like this.

[123Phoebe]

Aw Washisheart  

As hard as it is sometimes, remember that he has a serious disorder.  It's easy to forget when things are going along okay for a while.

Other than your relationship, is everything else going okay with you?

I tend to personalize my guy's issues more when I'm feeling a little low about something else entirely.  It's like I want him to be a rock for me when I need him, but it's not always possible.

Seems to be part of the deal.

What kind of boundaries do you have about pawning the tv now?  Would you pay to get it out again?

[Washisheart]

No my job that I once LOVED to the point I wanted to retire from there. And I'm only 36! Has new administration and its a nightmare to the point everyone there hates their jobs. And I'm starting to feel like its time to move on but it's tearing at me because I love my patients and the doctors I work with.

And finances are obviously not good, although he landed his dream job and his first paycheck is next week. So things there will get better.

[Washisheart]

And no to the tv!

[123Phoebe]

Wow, yea, sorry to hear about your situation with the new administration.  Job stress can be almost debilitating (we spend so much time there!) and being around other unhappy coworkers can just add to it.  Glad you like the patients and doctors though, that's a little silver lining.  Any idea where you might look for another job if it comes to that?

That's cool about your partner landing his dream job

I hope you start feeling better soon   Do you have a good book to read tonight?

[bruceli]

No matter how much I do or how hard I try, I will never be good enough. Two weeks ago he was in a rush to get married. Today he is on one of his tangents and preaches he settled and is stuck. No, we didn't tie the knot. My choice.

How much can someone sacrifice and still not be good enough before they finally realize it is all in vain. He gave his notice at work 7 months ago without having another job lined up. I worked two jobs to take care of our home, didn't complain. Took it all in stride. But was deep on the job search for him. I have my bachelors degree and spend my days doing chart reviews (sadly at a place I also feel very unappreciated). He never went hungry or had to go without a shower. Yet he is settling.

So while he is lecturing me on what a horrible person I am, I see this familiar pattern. My mother always resented me. I was not what she wanted. I did not make her happy. No matter how many A's, how many awards, how many scholarships or the fact I got accepted to every college I applied to. She bragged to friends and family. But deep down til this day, she resents me.

I'm just so tired of spreading myself thin to the point of breaking and never mind not getting any ackowledgement for it, but actually getting torn down for it. I have come to the conclusion that this will just always be my life. No matter how good of a catch I am on paper, obviously to live with me is to see a side of me I just can't. The only people I ever made happy are my dad (gone) my grandmother (gone) and my daughter.

I am just so discouraged right now. I don't feel like I belong in this life anymore. Except I won't leave my daughter. The thought of picking up and running away has crossed my mind, but then won't I be as bad as him?

How do we learn how to deal with them projecting their inadequacies onto us? What do you guys do? Normally I handle him ok but today his words really got to me to the point I haven't even looked in his direction 

Get and work to a point were you understand and believe the above.  Self talk works for me... .

[maxsterling]

I'm not sure I can offer you advice, because I face it too.  I've given her a stable place to live, have supported her financially and picked her up when she is down.  And for awhile, all she did was nitpick how my sofa or bed are uncomfortable, how my house is too cluttered.  And sometimes she claims I do nothing for her.  That hurts.  I really don't care if I am thanked or not, but it does hurt to feel like I am not appreciated. 

She is projecting.  And she admits she is projecting, yet she is so down that she can't stop herself.  I give myself verbal reminders that she is just projecting.  I try and remove myself from the situation when she is being too critical, but it still hurts.

I worry I am enabling her and am not letting her face her own issues.  But she had decades of facing her own issues - she knows what they, but she just can't get out of the rut.

[toomanyeggshells]

I just said this to uBPDbf ... . "no matter what I do, how much I give, things I've changed, its never enough for you". 

Like the other posters have said, its all projection, and I know that.  I know its not about me but its very draining and tiring nonetheless.  I'm always telling myself that all his complaints and issues have nothing to do with me.  If it wasn't me, it would be some other woman who wasn't good enough, didn't love him enough, didn't put him first above every other person in their life, etc. 

Unless there's therapy, I don't believe it will ever change. 

[eyvindr]

It's how BPD operates, I think. The pwBPD  can't seem to escape the immediate emotional moment. Whatever they feel right now is how they've always felt, and always will feel, unless they stop feeling that way and immediately start feeling something else -- which will then redefine the past, present and future.

It's a horrible illness, and I don't know that there's any hope for much true resolution of specific issues. The pwBPD seems to lack any sense of continuity -- so, you may have saved their life yesterday, and been showered with gratitude, but today they discovered that you forgot to restock bottled water yesterday -- while you were busy saving their life -- so, today, you're a thoughtless, selfish, awful partner.

[Washisheart]

Thanks for the reassurance. I need to keep myself busy. That's what I need to do. Set my own line of goals. My daughter and I have been exercising together the last couple weeks. I need to keep myself busy and stop thinking about his issues. Over dumb stuff! And all this while I took the bus so he could drive to work because my route was easier than his. Ugh!

[mcc503764]

I am sorry to hear of your pain.

The reality of the situation is that NOTHING is ever good enough for these people!  These relations are completely circular... . they never go anywhere and nothing constructive ever comes out of them... . it's like the dog chasing its tail around in the backyard... . it's completely nonsensical and will do nothing but drive YOU crazy!

I'm not sure I can offer you advice, because I face it too.  I've given her a stable place to live, have supported her financially and picked her up when she is down.  And for awhile, all she did was nitpick how my sofa or bed are uncomfortable, how my house is too cluttered.  And sometimes she claims I do nothing for her.  That hurts.  I really don't care if I am thanked or not, but it does hurt to feel like I am not appreciated. 

Same exact thing with mine!  She moved into MY place... . it was never big enough... . blah, blah, blah... . bhit, bhit, bhit... .

I gave her all of the above tenfold... . still wasn't enough.

Compared to her x's and her friends.  My "r/s" with my x was the most belittling experience of my LIFE!

Any steps that I tried to take to improve the situation, if she didn't approve, then they were out of the question... . I couldn't win either way... . I was f&^king miserable!

It's the idealization phase that I do miss, because outside of that, there was NOTHING else!  My friend was right, I should have dumped her on her ass at the end of the summer and walked away as there was really NOTHING in it for me!

MCC

[Washisheart]

That's really how it is too. There is nothing in it for us. Everything is his way, his wants, his needs. And there's no shame about it to them.

He wouldn't even get off the couch to get groceries out the car. He wants nothing else do do with our home. He left dog crap on the floor all day til I got home from work but calls me filthy. And I am NOT filthy! My house is clean!

I already told him I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted (after only four days) and I have nothing left to say.

I have so much anger and hurt and soon to be probably humiliation from yet another breakup

[mcc503764]

I don't have any advice, but you are so not alone. He got himself fired by being a pain. I am working 80+ hrs a week to keep everything up. Doing whatever housework gets done, cooking what gets cooked, and all he can do is complain about what doesn't get done. He is at home all day sleeping, playing on computer, sending me emails of things he wants me to buy for him (and I deal with 2 yr old tantrums when I don't).

A simple 'thank you' or coming home to a cooked meal would be so nice. Instead I hear day after day what he is dissatisfied by.

Hugs to you!

That's where I am in TOTAL disbelief about my situation... . my x wife, moved into MY house and I supported her completely!  No financial contributions whatsoever, because it wasn't in her name... . when I offered to put it in both of our names, she refused... . She claimed she "loved" my kids that I have custody of from my previous marriage and I offered to let her adopt them... . she refused... . I cleaned, cooked her dinners for her to come home to, and she would stop and get fast food prior to coming home so she wouldn't be hungry for the dinner that she knew that she had waiting for her?

Needless to say, I'd probably consider cutting off my arm for a partner like you... .

MCC

[MammaMia]

Washisheart

You were VERY wise not to marry this man.

Why do you stay?  Yes, he is sick.  Yes, he is cruel.  Yes, he breaks your heart and your spirit.  Does this man have any consistently good qualities?  Is he ever loving and kind?

Bpd is a devastating mental illness for those who love someone afflicted with it.  It causes terrible suffering and unbearable pain, and there comes a time when every partner to a pwBPD has to decide if the relationship is worth the work to try to keep it alive.  Are you better off with or without him?   What are your options?

Do not let him make you doubt who you are and what you want out of life.  You have needs and wants and YOU deserve to be happy.  It is NOT all about him.

Have you read any of the informational materials here on boundaries and self-soothing?  They may be helpful to you with your BPDbf and your work situation.

This website has been a Godsend for so many of us.  No sugar-coating.  Bpd is a brutal illness and it has many collateral victims.   We are here to help.  Welcome.

[Washisheart]

I don't have a computer so I haven't looked into the learning materials although once I do get when, I plan on it.

Why do I stay? Love? Habit? Part of the time I tell myself I can't do this anymore, I don't WANT to do this anymore. But most of the time, me picturing the rest of my life without him hurts.

He does have good qualities. He has some amazing qualities. He's a hard worker, loves to cross train and learn everything. He's a mans man, he can work under the good and fix things around the house. He contributes things that I don't have, like decorating. I could live in a bachelor pad and be happy, he needs paintings and curtains. We've had so much fun together. We've struggled financially and made it through. He will flag down a homeless man at a red light and give him his last five dollars. If you call and need him, he is there. This goes for me killing my car battery or his friends helping elderly grandparents move. I love these things about him.

It just crushes my heart that he's emotionally incapable of having those deep rooted feelings towards me. He has loyalty (at least for now).  But he learned the terms from an old boss "everybody's disposable" and "everybody's replaceable." And he loves to say them.

[mcc503764]

"everybody's disposable" and "everybody's replaceable."

Judging from my x's actions post break up. I would agree that this is pretty spot on with their mentality... .

MCC