Violence?

[ZigofZag]

My wife and I have been living apart for six months following her making false allegations of violence against me. The reverse is actually true. It was the break point for me.

Has anyone else found that their partner became violent whilst in a rage? Is the violence part of her BPD? 

She is trying to get back with me, dressing up and inviting me out for a meal!

I had six years of “walking on eggshells” and don’t want that craziness back in my life although I still love and care for her.

[Matt]

My wife became violent twice, and the second time she then called 911 and accused me of "throwing her down the stairs".  In my state, that could have meant being charged with attempted murder.  But when the police arrived, they saw she was lying - caught her changing her story - and found physicl evidence that proved she was lying.

Still, by the law, they were required to charge me with something - ":)omestic violence assault" - and arrest me.  (They arrested her and charged her too.)  Our kids were left with the neighbors while we both spent the night in jail.  It cost me $5,000 to get the charges dropped, and the arrest record is still available online for anybody to see, including potential employers.

My criminal defense attorney told me, "Never be alone with her again, without a non-family adult third party present".  My counselor told me the same thing.  Later, she was diagnosed with BPD and other stuff, and ordered by the court to get psychotherapy, but she hasn't done that.

Many others here have told similar stories.  Violence and false accusations are common.  Your only protection is to do what you are doing - stay away.  The law is not on your side - in many states you are presumed guilty in situations like this, and it's hard to prove your innocence.

[Take2]

After four years of increasingly more intense rages,  I became frightened of my ex when he basically flipped out at me and caused my need to hide in the bathroom at work (we work together) and leave a few times in fear.

I saw a true flip from normal appearing guy to absolute not rational guy and that was when I truly got scared that he could become physically abusive one day.  I went to a domestic violence counselor who said if I ever move in with him it will eventually get physical.

I don't know.  His state of mind turned back to normal again and now I am no longer afraid.

I don't think violence is a necessary part of their rages.

But obviously it is a possibility for some.

[ZigofZag]

Her accusations of violence against me have led to the involvement of social services to protect our daughter. It has been a long six months where I have been viewed as the aggressor. My wife is now living with her parents and has our 9 month old daughter. The rages are still happening. When social services first became involved I told them that I welcomed their intervention as I have been trying to get help for six years. What happened was that I was ostracised. My wife plays the victim so well (I fell for it when we met initially) and I am viewed as a wife beater. Nothing could be further from the truth. After all this time the authorities are still trying to help my wife take care of our daughter despite her rages still carrying on with her parents when our little one is present. It seems that the rage will become violent if they think / feel that they can “get away with it”. Police reports prove that I am not the first to suffer her rage; there are records of when I had to call them for assistance. It doesn’t seem to count for anything as she made the accusation first. I work with children and vulnerable adults. These accusations could cost me my job. Beware, all of you and thanks for your feedback. I am high and dry.

[Take2]

Uuuugh that makes me heart break for you... . I truly wish you the best.  I am struggling to figure out how life can be so unfair at times... .

[birdlady]

It is not unusual these days for the pd person to make accusations of violence of against the non pd partner.  They can scream, hit, seethe, and threaten 50 times and the non raises their voice once and suddenly the non is pictured as the aggressor.  It happens all the time.  Such is the clouded thinking and inability to take responsibility for their own actions of the person with pd(s).

[Matt]

It is not unusual these days for the pd person to make accusations of violence of against the non pd partner.

They probably know that in today's environment they will be assumed to be telling the truth.  It's a very effective way of lashing out at someone - hurts worse than physical violence but there's far less risk of consequences to them.

I would rather be hit over the head with a frying pan than accused of violence by a woman.  The head wound will heal but the damage from a false accusation is forever.

[ZigofZag]

It is not unusual these days for the pd person to make accusations of violence of against the non pd partner.  They can scream, hit, seethe, and threaten 50 times and the non raises their voice once and suddenly the non is pictured as the aggressor.  It happens all the time.  Such is the clouded thinking and inability to take responsibility for their own actions of the person with pd(s).

So true, she used the accusations as a weapon against me and can’t seem to understand that she has broken our family. Even if we did get back together (not that I can envisage that ever happening) we could not have our daughter with us because of her allegations. The person she has hurt the most is our child, she has been so destructive and it feels like it has been out of spite. The allegation came after we had a joint appointment with her doctor. It was then that I told the doctor about her violence, voila, two weeks later she makes claims against me.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I am sorry to hear of your situation.  I can only imagine the confusion and pain you are going through.  In direct answer to your question about violence:  yes, false accusations of violence and abuse are very common (Google the term "Projection".

Also, I would recommend that you read the entire thread of 'Onparole".  He later changed his screen name to 'Exonerated".  I think that you will find the answer to your question there.

As you read various threads and posts, you will begin to formulate a self-protective strategy. 

In the meantime, invest in a recorder (I think smart phones can do it too)  Record (audio) all your conversations and meetings.  Read also the thread of :Forever Dad" whose underwent the same issues as you did:  So did 'Matt".

I am in rush... . will check back on you later... . please take care of yourself.  BPD sufferers are not our enemies... . yet, their mental illness makes them behave in ways that can be extremely destructive.  So please prevent yourself from more allegations of this nature.

[Matt]

In the meantime, invest in a recorder (I think smart phones can do it too)  Record (audio) all your conversations and meetings.

Very good idea!  (Probably... . )

You can find out what the law says in your state or country by checking online or asking an attorney.

In my state it's OK to audio-record if one party (you) knows.  In some states both parties must know.  And the recording may not be admissible in court - but if it stands between you and criminal charges that's probably an OK risk to take.  A judge would probably listen to it if it proves your innocence, even if technically you shouldn't have been recording.

Some of our members have video-recorded meetings with another party.  That's illegal in more places than audio-recording, but it could be good to check out.  Of course it's also more difficult to do discretely.

A good communication strategy is to use e-mail only, because there is a record - nobody can say you threatened them if you didn't.  Avoid the phone except in emergencies involving the child's well-being.  No face-to-face contact without a non-family adult third party present.

Of course that doesn't fix what already happened.  Have you found a criminal defense attorney or a family law attorney who has experience fighting false charges?

Also, you might check out whether making such charges is a crime in your state.  If it is, you might be able to file criminal charges and/or civil charges, so a court will have to hear the evidence and decide what is true.  In family court, often there is no "finding of fact" - we never get an opportunity to show that the accusations are false.

[Forestaken]

I lost count the number of times my uBPD+dOCD s2bx physically beat me up. I kept a hand written and typed journal.

[Matt]

I lost count the number of times my uBPD+dOCD s2bx physically beat me up. I kept a hand written and typed journal.

Are you still having any contact with him or her?

Have you looked into a restraining order or "order of protection"?

Is it still possible to file criminal charges?

[Forestaken]

Her

No contact

Too much time.

[Matt]

Her

No contact

Too much time.

If too much time has passed to file criminal charges, you can probably still get a restraining order.