Child Support

[windyeyes]

Hi All,

Have been away for a while.  The more time that passes, the more peace and relief I experience from nightmarish marriage of the past.  I'm throwing this out there to all of you;  I'm stuck and I need support with this one.

My exNPD (undiagnosed) has been paying far less in child support than he is supposed to under the terms of the divorce agreement.  I contacted the lawyer (in another state) who handled the case, and reassured as to what I am entitled to.  When I contacted a family lawyer in town (ex and I live in the same state), they came across as disinterested, and said I should go for mediation.  Needless to say, I was really pissed at them for what seemed to me to be blowing me off.  I don't trust mediation, and quite frankly, the bigger issue is 1) that I'm terrified of his rage toward me, and 2) his ability to manipulate his way through life and possibly this situation.  It's that terror, and being burned out from taking care of an NPD mother and a teenager that made me back off.  I really couldn't take much more intensity at the time.

When I spoke to the ex about his paying way less than he's supposed to under law, he got really, really nasty w/me, citing his expenses, cost of living, etc.  He stopped payment for six months when he brought his current wife here from another country, and then turned around and took a vacation across country, and bought a high end luxury car.  He told me that he was having trouble making the mortgage on his house.  After 6 months of nothing, and telling him i could have a lien put on his house, he started paying about half of what he had been before.  It's been like this for the last 5 years.  Meanwhile, he's bought two new cars, taken several vacation trips abroad, and has a new addition to the family.  I know he's struggling, but he's never lived w/in his means, which was a real bone w/me when we were married.

He held on to my wedding album and half of my china and crystal, which i understand has been completely demolished.  Never asked, just took, and refused to give it back.  I finally got the album back from him a couple of weeks ago, when i asked in front of his wife.  It just spilled out of my mouth.  It felt good.  We've been divorced 8 years.  This was a guy who thought he was entitled to and asked for my mother's assets during the divorce... . just to give you an idea as to the balls this guy has.  He has no class, and no boundaries.  My son is currently on a foreign vacation (almost 16, that he never even asked my permission to go)

This is the part, aside from the fear/rage, that's got me stuck.  I like his wife.  I see her in me, and I doubt anything's changed w/him, not that it matters.  I'm afraid if I start this whole thing, that it might be a tipping point in their marriage, or that they could lose their house.  I know it's distorted, but that's how I feel.  I also know that it's not my problem, but I can't seem to get past this... . and yet, I'm so sick of this SOB walking all over me... . It's to the point that I'm starting to hate the site of him... .

I really needed to get that off my chest.  Thank you.  Please, if anyone has any insight, experience, support, please feel free to post.

[ForeverDad]

He's an adult, or at least a big boy.  It's time he faces his consequences.  Doing nothing enables him to avoid and evade his consequences - and continue to live beyond his obligations for child support.

I don't know your state's laws.  I don't know whether this matter requires mediation, or at least at this point.  For what?  So you two can agree on a smaller payment and to forgive the past underpayments?  There's a court order for support, right?  He has been underpaying for years, right?  Isn't that contempt of court?  Somehow I don't think a judge will fall for his claims of poverty, not with him owning a home, buying new cars and taking vacations.  And judges aren't generally softies in such situations, child support is straightforward.  However, If I were the judge I'd wonder why you didn't come sooner.  Whether waiting so long makes your case harder or not, I don't know.  (I'm no legal eagle, but maybe you need consultations with other lawyers?)

[Matt]

The way it works in my state is, there are two different subjects:  who should pay how much child support, and enforcement.

Who should pay how much is decided by the family court.  It sounds like you already have a court order saying how much he should pay.  If he wants to pay less, he has to file a motion with the family court, and then it might go to mediation, or maybe the court will rule one way or another, after giving you a chance to respond.  But since he hasn't filed such a motion - you would be sent a copy if he did - this is moot.  The lawyer who told you to mediate doesn't sound like she knows what she's talking about, unless things work very differently where you live.

The other aspect is enforcement.  There is a court order saying how much he should pay.  Until it's changed, he is obligated to pay.  You can probably get help from your state's Attorney General's office - they probably have a department of child support enforcement.  Either find a lawyer who knows about enforcement of child support orders, or contact that office directly - maybe you can find it by searching online.

Where I live, the Child Support Enforcement department of the state Attorney General's office has lawyers who take action to enforce the court order.  He should be given notice by that office that he must pay or face jail or fines.  It is their job to enforce the court order - not yours - but maybe you need to point it out to them and ask them (and if that doesn't work, demand) that they do their job.

ForeverDad's point about the past due amount is important.  If you have records, figure up the total amount he is behind, and ask that it all be paid - don't forgive any of it - or maybe the Child Support Enforcement people, or the court, will approve a payment plan so he can get caught up.

[Nope]

I am not a lawyer but I have some experience with this because in my situation there have been three states involved. 1. The state the kids were born in where the original divorce decree, custody, and support were decided. 2. The state BPDbiomom now lives with the kids. 3. The state their non father and I live in.

As far as I can tell here is your problem: No matter what was agreed to in the state of the divorce/ support arrangement in one state, support enforcement is the responsibility of the state you are in. The state you are in generally will not enforce a foreign order. You would have to ask your current state to do a child support assessment and then they would be able to enforce the new order.

A reason I can think of for why a lawyer might tell you to mediate is because the state you now live in has it's own math for deciding how much you should get in support. You may not like the answer. In my case when the BPDbiomom went for support in the new state she ended up getting $200 less than she did in the original state.

You may also live in a state where the more time your ex has the kids the less he has to pay in child support which could open up a whole other can of worms. You won't know until you have a better talk with your lawyer though.

[livednlearned]

This is the part, aside from the fear/rage, that's got me stuck.  I like his wife.  I see her in me, and I doubt anything's changed w/him, not that it matters.  I'm afraid if I start this whole thing, that it might be a tipping point in their marriage, or that they could lose their house.  I know it's distorted, but that's how I feel.  I also know that it's not my problem, but I can't seem to get past this... . and yet, I'm so sick of this SOB walking all over me... . It's to the point that I'm starting to hate the site of him... .

You might be doing her a favor. Might get to the point she ends the marriage sooner rather than later.