Am I a doormat in denial?

[HoldingAHurricane]

We have been together for 3 years and are married. Having affairs was something he has always done in relationships and one of the main things he derives self esteem from is his delusion that he is a superior lover. He glosses over his past admittances that he felt most of his sexual encounters have been because he manipulated the women rather than them throwing themselves at his magnificence.

After being faithful to me for 18 months (the longest period of his dating life), he dropped the ball big time in the last 6 weeks, once in developing an emotionally inappropriate relationship with his boss (his job is now on the line since she is upset, although she would have had to be in a coma not to realise something was amiss and I don’t feel inclined to believe she wasn’t participating after reading the correspondence myself) and once visiting a prostitute.

Until recently I was a terrible threat maker with no follow through and he had no reason to believe me. We both knew I was just blowing smoke. After he smashed up my computer in a fit a few months ago and having been on this forum, I have made a concerted effort to change that habit. I have been more consistent in setting boundaries and reinforcing them (some quite dramatic, like calling the police when he intimated a threat and laughed and dared me to call the police. Bizarrely, he thought he was offering me reconciliation by staying in the house even though he was being intimidating) and stopped making idle threats. He is sorrowful and promises that the experiences were so terrible he will never do it again (heard that before). I told him I have 2 basic needs to stay in the relationship: fidelity and continuing freedom from abuse. I asked him to consider the shift I have made in the last 6 months and know I am not making an idle threat. I said if I found out about another incident I would just leave without notice. It’s not ideal to get an agreement under duress, I know. He baulked so I asked him to find somewhere else to live. I was firm but respectful.

Following these events, his therapist confirmed his BPD diagnosis with him and has spoken more openly about things and about how his craving for validation is a key motivator for affairs. He said he feels such self loathing when he feels abandoned that doing the most disgusting things doesn't matter because he feels no one in the world wants him or cares about him and it doesn’t matter what he does because he doesn’t matter at all. Since his main source of pride is his imagined sexual prowess if he could be validated by a “professional” he could fill the emptiness.

He has been in therapy for 5 months and I admit that things are changing. The verbally abusive behaviour and property destruction has ceased and he noticeably less emotionally reactive (from extremely reactive to highly reactive). He never misses therapy and seems to be genuinely working at it despite the events of late. He says he now realises he does a lot of things for validation and that he is learning in therapy to notice his feelings and know he doesn’t have to react. He said he is regarding his feelings as unreliable and when he is feeling happy and validated around people to he examines it (obviously learning mindfulness) as advised by the therapist. He said he feels confident in his promises to be faithful based on his new knowledge. He keeps working at therapy and I am working in therapy to realise why I was attracted to him and how I can contribute more constructively.

I’m not sure if I am kidding myself and in denial to believe that we have a chance at things getting better, or to believe that he can be faithful. I feel massive judgment from people about my choice to stay and I doubt myself so much in the face of the criticism. His family send me emails calling me an enabler and my attempts to stay with him as encouragement for his behaviour. Nevermind they had him for 26 years before me and did nothing at all. I don't feel I can trust myself to know if I am being a doormat in denial or if being hopeful is realistic. Are they right or an I? Is that even the right question to be asking myself?

[Validation78]

Hi HaH!

Being in a marriage with a pwBPD is challenging to say the least. It's great that your dBPDh is going for help, and you are seeing a difference. It can take years for treatment to be fully effective, so if you think there's hope after seeing changes in a short time, of course it may be in the best interest of your marriage to monitor progress as you see fit.

I think the big question is can you forgive him for his infidelity? BPD aside, you still have to be able to get past that. If you think you will be able, and over time, learn to trust him again, then perhaps you have a chance. Forgiveness is all in your hands and once you forgive, you have to be able to move on. It just means that you can't keep holding it over him. It doesn't mean you have to forget, and he has to earn your trust through empathy, which is the sticky point since he has BPD. As you know, empathy is not a strong suit of pwBPD!

Also, as you have been doing, you will need to develop your communication skills in order to deal with, in a healthy manner, the behaviors of a pwBPD. It will take a huge commitment on both of your parts, and if you are both willing, it can be done!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[eternity75]

Hi Holding,

I am in the same situation, only with my bf of 8 months. I keep giving him chances and he keeps doing the same things but gets better at hiding them. I broke it off a week ago but kept in touch to show him I still love and care about him. He has almost completely ignored my reasons for breaking it off, sweeping them under the rug and pretending it's because of the distance. He's successfully ignored it so long and now we are talking again on the phone and it's at the point where it feels like we are back together although I haven't stated it nor have I changed my FB status back to indicate it. I feel like a doormat too because I love him and want to make it work. Unfortunately I'm not sure that is possible with a pwBPD. What made me break it off finally was finding out he's searching for prostitutes (escorts) online for his upcoming trip to Mexico. I have also been called an enabler by my friends for staying.

I am sure he has come to think of me as a big pushover now and if he just charms enough and says the right things I will forget about everything. Which is unfortunately what I've been doing in the name of unconditional love. But I also realize we deserve to have the love we give reciprocated, not just taken for granted and walked all over. I'm still in the thinking process right now... . of whether I can consider trying to make it work any longer.  It's feeling very hopeless.

So I do not have solid advice for you here. Just want you to know you are not alone *hugs*