He is cheating again.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, we have had problems in the past with him cheating on me. He has been drinking a lot lately so last night when he left to go out- I did some snooping. I found a secret amazon account that he used to purchase a heart necklace for another woman. He says it is just a friend - which is b.s. he was having it shipped to his male coworkers house. I am so over being mistreated. All I ever hear is how my emotional affair destroyed out relationship. Nevermind his countless physical affairs and nonstop lies. He refuses to seek help for his BPD but does admit to having it. He meets all 9 criteria. We have been together for 18 yrs. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. And he doesn't even care. How do you go around destroying people like that. I almost laugh when I think about what the other women are in for. Nothing but heartache - I can tell you that for sure. Any ideas on what I am supposed to do. I am not even in a spot to be objective about anything. I want to go crawl in my bed and never get out of it.

[pecia]

So, we have had problems in the past with him cheating on me. He has been drinking a lot lately so last night when he left to go out- I did some snooping. I found a secret amazon account that he used to purchase a heart necklace for another woman. He says it is just a friend - which is b.s. he was having it shipped to his male coworkers house. I am so over being mistreated. All I ever hear is how my emotional affair destroyed out relationship. Nevermind his countless physical affairs and nonstop lies. He refuses to seek help for his BPD but does admit to having it. He meets all 9 criteria. We have been together for 18 yrs. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. And he doesn't even care. How do you go around destroying people like that. I almost laugh when I think about what the other women are in for. Nothing but heartache - I can tell you that for sure. Any ideas on what I am supposed to do. I am not even in a spot to be objective about anything. I want to go crawl in my bed and never get out of it.

[Vindi]

i feel for you... . have you set boundaries? and what do YOU want to do, work on the relationship, if he is willing or just end it. I am sure this is alot to take in right now, esp being together for 18 years.

Seems like alot needs to be done, him cheating in the past and you having the emotional affair. Is there alot of resentment towards eachother?

I wish you support on your next step... .

keep posting, it helps

[pecia]

There is much resentment an his BPD makes him twist it all around. He says he is "done". For him it is all about sex. For me - I don't want sexy when he is being mean and raging. He will not accept that. He refuses counseling or to tell me or explain anything about his "friends". He says he isn't having sex with them so its ok - but when I did that it was grounds for leaving me. I just don't get it. I am setting my boundaries now. I had to be ready to lose the relationship to do it. I was always scared it would make him leave. Now I don't care either way. I love him but I don't deserve this. I have been with him only since I was 16. It's hard to even comprehend not being with him. Dang.

[SadWifeofBPD]

One boundary that I set a long time ago was that H couldn't ask me anything that he wasn't willing to answer himself (in writing),... . and... . he can't ask me to do something (or not do something) that he isn't willing to do (or not do).

This came up early on when he would belong to all of these fun activities (golf, gym, etc), and then he'd complain when I would "do my thing."  I told him that if he didn't want me to do those things, then he had to give up his things.  Fair is fair.  Since then, I can pretty much go wherever I want. 

Every once in awhile, H will make a silly demand/request, and I'll say, "are you willing to put that in writing that I can make that demand/request, too?"   If he says, Yes, then we write it in the notebook, include some details/context, and he signs/dates it.     And, yes, I do pull out that notebook as a reminder when H sometimes forgets that he made such a promise.  If I didn't keep a record, then H would likely either deny it ever happened, or insist that it was "something different." 

We also keep a calendar on the fridge and I track events on that.  I started doing that many, many years ago because H would say, "hmm, I haven't been golfing in 2 months"... . when in truth he had golfed 2 weeks ago.  So, the calendar shows that he went golfing two weeks ago... . I include the golf course name, or any other details.

[Surnia]

Hi pecia

So sorry to hear all this! 

Perhaps it is time to really think about what kind of relationship do you want... . or/and read through the Lessons on Undecided here on the left ---->

I just read your first post were you said he announced that he would move out in 18 days... . wondering if this is real or just a threat.

We are here for you, pecia!

[pecia]

Thanks for the replies. I am also starting to wonder if he is bluffing about moving out. He keeps trying to get me to leave. I decided last night that I am not leaving my house and animals. I do not trust him to pay the bills and do the upkeep. He makes significantly less money than I do and it would be a tight budget. He is currently wasting all of his money going out drinking and buying jewelry for other women - which could not continue if all of the bills were his problem. Up until now I really had not set any boundaries. I have spent 18 years walking on eggshells and trying to please him - only to fail miserably and be blamed for everything. He has refused to give me any money for the bills this month. He says he is saving up his money to move out. Last night while he was out partying, I finally had enough and wrote him a letter defining my boundaries. I told him if he was going to live here he had to pay his half of the bills. I gave him copies of the bills and wrote the amount that is due to me by the end of the month. I also told him that if he is moving out, I need the date that he will be gone so I can plan. I also told him if he is staying that he needs to contribute to the household as well - including cleaning the house and yard work (currently he stopped helping do that as well). It is like having a free-loading teenager living here. I told him that I will be sleeping in the master bedroom. If he does not wish to sleep in the bed with me - we have a couch and a spare bedroom that he can reside in. I also informed him that I would be changing all of my account passwords and locking my phone so that I have my privacy since he insists on his. I will no longer answer questions or provide information about things he refuses to reciprocate. I also told him he can come and go as he pleases, but that I will do the same. I will not ask for permission or tell him where I am or when I am coming home because he will not do the same for me. I also told him I would be civil and considerate in our communication and that I expected the same in return. I guess we will see how this goes. He was here when I woke up (don't know when he got home). He didn't speak to me and recently left to go out. I love this man. I want him to work on himself and our relationship but I cannot force him. I cannot be the only one trying. I will not give him the satisfaction of groveling anymore. I laid at his feet and cried, begged for him to stay and work on it. His reply  was to have some dignity. What the heck. I guess we will see how he likes me having dignity then.

[SadWifeofBPD]

Good for you!  Good boundaries!

I like the idea of insisting on a "move out date" so that you can plan, and  if he doesn't meet that date, then he has to pay. 

Now, how will you enforce that if he doesn't move out and won't pay?  I suspect that he might do that.  Are utility bills, cable bills, etc, in your name, his name, or both? 

Also good about changing passwords and phone privacy.  Forgive me for forgetting, but do you own the home and are both names on the mortgage? 

[pecia]

Yes we own our home and it is in both of our names. The utilities are in half mine and half his name. He texted me today and said he would pay me by the end of the day. I guess we will see. To me, that says he is bluffing about moving out. I haven't really thought about what to do if he doesn't pay up. Hopefully me stopping being a push over will be enough to get some compliance. I am just trying to remain calm and keep my emotions in check. My neck has been killing me so I have been rubbing it. He grabbed me this afternoon and started rubbing it. That was the kindest thing he has done for me in a month. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for listening.

[pecia]

Ok. So I got had. He actually stayed in last night and watched a movie with me. During the movie he grabbed me and started kissing me. We ended up having sex. He told me later that it didn't change anything and called me a whore. Today he would no help me fix our broken vacuum because he isn't going to be living there much longer. He did pay me the money, but I cried when he reminded me he still is going to leave. He said I should have wanted him instead of my "boyfriend" all those years. So essentially it is all my fault. It really sucks. We had such a nice day yesterday - now this. When I asked him when he is moving out- he just says "when I get the money". what the heck. He wounds me in a way nobody else could. When I ignore his texts, he just gets meaner. He says he wants me to move out so I no longer exist to him. Help.

[Surnia]

Pecia,

So sorry! 

You are really in a difficult situation. I read your first post - there is so much going on in your marriage.

Do you ever consider to reach out for a therapist?

[pecia]

I have considered it. I just don't know that I have the money or the time. I am a nurse and I work full time nightshift. I am also in school full time, plus clinicals a day a week (nurse practitioner program). And it would appear that I am about to be left to pay all of the bills alone. It feels like it is a luxury instead of a necessity - which sucks. And I feel like an idiot for even being in this situation. I feel like I failed and its all my fault. My parents were abusive. My mother was and still is a horrible alcoholic and drug addict. I don't talk to her anymore. I recognize my co-dependency issues. But I still feel like the past 18 years of my life should have meant something to him on some level. It is very frustrating. And being jerked around like a yo yo is no fun either. I think my worst fear is for a therapist to tell me that I need to leave him and move on. It would destroy me. I want to repair things with him so badly. It is making me miserable. Thanks for everyone's replies.  - pecia

[Surnia]

I can understand that you feel like an idiot - you are not.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family takes a toll and created some patterns; thats way I am suggesting the work with a T.

Or attend some CODA meetings?

And being jerked around like a yo yo is no fun either.

A very good description.

What can you do to not being like a yo yo in his hands?

[pecia]

I am looking into both. I ignored his baiting texts this morning. He always tries to circle it around to being my fault. To try and get me to fight back so he can use it against me. He keeps telling me to get out. I told him fine - but he had to tell me about all of the affairs he has had - he had to answer my questions - and then I would go and leave him in peace because then I would be sure there is nothing worth salvaging with him. He did NOT like that. He said he would be out next month and called me selfish. I told him perhaps I should have been more selfish through the years and taken care of myself - that I no longer saw that as an insult. He replied with I haven't thought about his feelings in a long time. Hello - I wasn't talking about him - I was talking about me. I did point out to him that he would rather run away than admit to any wrongdoing or part in our relationships demise. He is always pointing out that I said "such and such". I told him he has said many cruel things to me that I dismissed as being said in anger and probably not true. He asked me to tell him the cruel things he said. I quoted pages (still have the saved texts as proof). I pointed out that if he didn't mean them or he no longer felt that way then I was allowed that as well. I told him the proof was in his actions. He just got mad. He called me the queen of lies and is now just being outright hateful so I am going to ignore him until he sends a rational text. I don't have to see him until Wednesday night which makes me feel better. I feel weaker in his presence.

[Surnia]

I am looking into both.

I have mixed feelings about the communication between you and him. Perhaps you may read this workshop:

How to stop circular arguments

Take care!

[pecia]

I know we still don't have healthy communication but it has really come leaps and bounds ( at least on my end- he still sounds like an angry child). Before I would just justify my actions and I was under the impression that if I could just find the right way to say something that he would magically change his mind. That took a while to get through my head. I try not to engage in circular arguments but it is really hard. He knows exactly what to say to get at me. I still want to try to make him see that I still want to make our relationship work. Maybe that isn't a good idea. Old habits die hard. Ugh. I am going to go re-read that workshop again. Please if I am going about something the wrong way- call me out on it. I am just muddling through. All help is much appreciated

[Surnia]

Hi pecia

Not engaging in circular arguments is a challenge, it was it for me too.

Before I would just justify my actions and I was under the impression that if I could just find the right way to say something that he would magically change his mind.

Yes, I would really recommend to read some parts of the Lessons.

Take care, pecia! 

[pecia]

Well, today when he texted me, I smelled the bait. He tried an attention getter- saying that the next time I got drunk he was going to do some not nice things. I will spare he details. He was trying to get a reaction. I shot back with a witty comment asking if I got to pick the person. I kept it light hearted -which is not normal for me. He knows my buttons- but now I am not going to let him push them. I am starting to see that he is constantly thinking about me finding someone else or going wild when he leaves me. This is mildly amusing considering he is the one cheating. Maybe if I don't take the bait - he will just have to deal with his own feelings instead of feed off of mine. Or better yet - maybe he can focus all that blame on his newest "friend". Radical acceptance of who he is and what I can control has been hard- but I am working on it. I really think posting on here has helped. Thanks guys!