coping

[yehudis]

Hi,

Right now this is where things stand. My sister and I practically raised my nephew who is five and  now we  are cut off.

My BPD niece has been dating the same guy for four years now and no matter how poorly he treats her she won't leave him as she can not be alone. When her behavior is overly needy , rageful helpless, sad, when she is catatonic and can't get herself to work and loses job after job she has taken to blaming her family for all her emotional instability and so the boyfriend will only date her if she cuts any ties to her family. Little does he know the real cause of her anguish is his constant criticism of  her and his threats to leave her every time she doesn't behave.

So, its been really rough for the family,living with the new reality of a life without my nephew.

So many attempts have been made to rectify the situation, and there had been small glimmers of hope here and there, but things always return to the same.

As time goes on it does get a little easier, but grief is a slow process. The normal human brain figures out ways to move on.

Her brother , my nephew will begin a psychology doctorate program at university of Illinois this Fall. He truly believes that in time research will show a very strong biological basis for this disorder. He says that we are really in the dark ages regarding our knowledge of the brain and that big advances  are on the horizon.

Hopeful, if not for her than maybe for others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

yehudis,

I am sorry that you are grieving from the loss of contact with your niece/nephew. It is really heartbreaking when we have a bond with the little children, and they are taken from us.  Unfortuantely, your dd is under the control of her bf.  Perhaps, some day, she may reach a point where she has had enough, and leaves for good. 

And, I hope your nephew finds something that can help your niece.  We really need some advancements in mental illness.   I think that we may be making slow progress in that area.   

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

yehudis,   

I am so sorry you are cut off right now. If it weren't for the little ones, it would be so much easier to accept... .

We were cut off from our grandkids in the last year and a half, and we missed them terribly. You are right, though - it does get better with time.

What were the times you DID have the little guy? What were the patterns between your niece and her bf at those times? Do you think that the situation will repeat itself, or do you see a major shift - something different this time?

You sound strong and calm in the face of it all. I am sure you have been such a positive force in your nephew's life, and hopefully will be again (even if those times are limited).

Let us know how you're doing,

PessiO

[yehudis]

Thanks for caring.

Every time my niece acts needy with her bf and loses jobs and acts anxious she has blamed her stress on her mother,and so the bf sees my sister,the grandma, as being the cause of all of my neices stress ,not him and not her illness. He believes my sister abused my neice , and that's why she needs to be estranged.All this is based on the lies she told him. Granted, my sister did text unfavorable things about her bf to my niece which she then showed her bf,in order to gain a better standing with him. She truly is so deathly scared of him leaving her that that she will do anything he asks of her.

He has left her several times only to return a day to a week later.The comings and goings as well his expectation of  her submissiveness , has made her progressively more insecure, and her BPD more extreme.

Being that you have been through a similar situation, I am so happy you responded to my post. If you continue to respond to my posts it would be greatly appreciated and if you have any advice or encouraging words I would love to keep hearing from you.

Thanks again.

[pessim-optimist]

You are very welcome in our little community. There are lots of us with similar stories.

We share our sad and happy times, and also what we have learned in the process. Things we tried that worked, or those that did not work, we share resources, articles, books etc. that have helped us on our journey.

Persons wBPD function a bit differently. To put it in a very simpified way - they have a hard time controlling impulses, and their emotions get in the way of thinking, remembering, decision-making etc., so our communication with them and our expectations need to be different. As we learn different communication styles that are helpful, we gain a bit of trust in the eyes of the pwBPD and the relationship gets better.

In my experience, the girls usually contact us after a while for some reason (they need something of they have an emergency etc.), which is a good opportunity to renew contact and start over, so to speak. In the meantime, when we were cut off, we concentrated on taking care of our needs, healing from all the chaos and hurt, and learning as much as we could about BPD.

Where are you at with this situation? Is it something fresh, or has it happened a while ago? First, we grieve, and as time goes on, then we start having more capacity to do the learning... . Everything in its time.   

[TopsyTurvy]

yehudis,

I am sorry that you and your sister have been cut off from your nephew. That must be so hard for you. It sounds like you both played an important role in his life. Of course you would be grieving over the loss of contact. Sadly, this is not an uncommon  problem when BPD is involved.

I am hoping that when her behavior doesn't improve, and the boyfriend does not have her family around to blame, that maybe he will realize that something else is causing her emotional problems. Do you think that is a possibility?

I went through a very similar situation when my entire family was cut off from my 4 year old grandson. This also involved a boyfriend who did not want her to have contact with us. It is a heartbreaking situation that I would not wish on anyone. Sadly, I think the kids are the ones who suffer the most.

Situations in pwBPD's lives change frequently. Just because you are cut off now does not mean you will not be reunited in the future. I had to be reminded of this. It gave me some comfort and I am hoping it will give you hope and comfort too.