Moved in, taking a step backwards?

[hippyman]

My girlfriend moved in with me about a month ago, since then, she has been on and off about staying, or going back.  One day she even packed all her stuff in my van and expected me to drive her all the way to home to another state.  Now, she is wanting me to pay $615 for a rental car, so she can get home on a spur of the moment, when logic says she will just change her mind again.  I tried just saying I couldnt afford it, but she accused me of being just like everyone else in her life.  What can I do to rectify this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

It's manipulation.  "You're just like everyone else, I should have known better than to get my hopes up."  Sound familiar?  This is really about your boundaries.  Do you feel comfortable forking out the money so she can move our whenever she feels like it?  If yes, then go for it.  If not, well, she's an adult who will have to take care of her own move.   

[hippyman]

It's manipulation.  "You're just like everyone else, I should have known better than to get my hopes up."  Sound familiar?  This is really about your boundaries.  Do you feel comfortable forking out the money so she can move our whenever she feels like it?  If yes, then go for it.  If not, well, she's an adult who will have to take care of her own move.   

That sounds just like her, so now the question is, do I try and work it out with her, or just put up with her crap until she can find a way home, right?

[DetroitDame]

It's manipulation.  "You're just like everyone else, I should have known better than to get my hopes up."  Sound familiar?  This is really about your boundaries.  Do you feel comfortable forking out the money so she can move our whenever she feels like it?  If yes, then go for it.  If not, well, she's an adult who will have to take care of her own move.   

That sounds just like her, so now the question is, do I try and work it out with her, or just put up with her crap until she can find a way home, right?

Hippyman:  It might just be worth it to just pay the money, suffer the financial loss, and end this rollercoaster ride early!

[briefcase]

Well, when I said its manipulation, I meant that she may be using the threat of leaving as leverage to get her way in the day to day stuff.  She may not want to really leave.  This isn't really about her, it's about you.  If she really wanted to leave you, you would probably come home one day and find her gone or something.  If she wants to leave, she's capable of leaving without asking you to drive her, or pay to rent her car, etc.  This tells me, she's using this issue to get you to do what she wants.  

It's up to you whether you want to try to accomodate her requests or not.  I'm just saying that if she wants to leave you, there are better ways to do that than what she is doing.

As far as whether you want to remain in the relationship or not . . . that's your call.  Honestly, these kinds of threats to leave and unreasonable demands are not uncommon in these relationships before we start to discover and use boundaries.  You can also validate her emotions without trying to fix her problems.  Both of these things (which you can do on your own) will greatly help you define the parameters of the relationship until she settles into her new home. 

What do you think you might say the next time she tries this approach with you?

[dreamer321]

I feel your pain. I know the way it feels-in my case its "you are just like all the others when I thought somehow you were different"  Ouch!. and he doesnt ask me for money-he assumes I will just give it to him. There has been pouting and manipulation and I was on a pedistal for 2 years. 50 texts a day on average-telling me I was wonderful, beautiful, amazing and he loved wanted and needed me. Now. that the commitment has started-its a very different picture. so yes. I hear you. I think we need to realize these tactics are meant to evoke a certain kind of response from us because we have given in to it in the past. Its been manipulation from day one-and yet I feel a love I have never felt before.  Its the dips and the exhilaration that is so hard to understand and manage from my own perspective. Stop being manipulated. I will too.