Any one had this?

[Parents! Get help here!]

Now my dd is so scared of dying. I said to her she used to want to die, but now she says she really does not, she fears it a lot.

Thats a good thing right?

This is a new thing and Im confused about it.

Has anyone else had this?

[heronbird]

Now my dd is so scared of dying. I said to her she used to want to die, but now she says she really does not, she fears it a lot.

Thats a good thing right?

This is a new thing and Im confused about it.

Has anyone else had this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

My first thought was that maybe this fear is about her baby, fear of leaving her baby if she should die.

When she was younger and living with us, DSD (22) used to periodically have a panic about her fears of dying. She lost her Mom to cancer at 12/13 so it's no wonder that from time to time she would think of this subject. To a certain extent I think most people have a fear of death but are able to get past the anxiety and uncertainty by using logical thought and we all know how NOT WELL our BPD loved ones handle logic!

It is indeed a good thing if your daughter previously had a death wish or no fear whatsoever of dying (especially if this caused her to be reckless) and now is free of that mind-set but if she is swinging over to the fear in an extreme, that isn't good but it may be easier to calm her or reason with her than to convince her she must live or try to live.

Sometimes my DSD will handle her problems by announcing that she wishes she were dead. As soon as the crises passes, she forgets that mind set completely. But while she is in it... . she seems much, much more afraid of confronting her issues and dilemmas and drama in those moments than she fears dying and I think that is the black and white thinking taking over. If living is too uncomfortable, in her mind, well then she would prefer not to face it, so she reasons, better off dead.

If you can find out is she is worried about her baby being left without her, you can certainly validate that in a big way as I think all of us Moms have thought or felt this. It is normal to feel afraid to leave our child parentless or without a mother... .

Hope these thoughts help, hb.

How are things going otherwise?

Thursday

[heronbird]

Well not sure if thats the reason, but it made me think that maybe she feels insecure about her baby, I have him most of the time so not sure why she would be scared of dying because of that. She says she thinks the baby will be better off with me anyway.

Yes, it sounds like a good thing for her, but its not a BPD thing I dont think.

Funny enough, my niece was 26, she was so scared of dying, she had epilepsy, she wasnt bad with fits or anything. But she didnt take her medication, and she drank too much. she was advised not to drink at all with the meds.

She died two years ago. So I guess you can still be neglectful even if you are scared of dying.

[qcarolr]

Heronbird -- This is a puzzling change for your D. Just leaves us guessing, as it maybe is puzzling to her?

One guess could be that this is a possible sign of depression. Even though she says, and may think in her mind, that you are the best parent for her child. Deep inside she may be feeling lots of emotions about herself not being able to be a good mom. So her thinking and feeling are in extreme conflict. Is she able to share these feelings with her T?

Are you able to ask her any validating questions to help her explore the feelings going on when she is feeling this way? Does she feel like she is going to die -- like from illness? or more like being disconnected from her life?

maybe others here will have some other ideas to help you open up this conversation with your D.

qcr  

[heronbird]

Yes, brilliant idea, I will talk to her, and yes I didnt think of that, but of course she may think she is happy with me having the baby but I know she is not. She looked very sad when she told me he would be better living with me for security for him.

She does seem to have terrible depression, she is on anti depressants at the moment, but they dont seem to be working and she has gone up on her dose a lot.

Thanks for your support and ideas, its great, such a help.

We all went out to dinner last night, was really nice, just the 6 of us, no partners for a change. Dd couldnt eat, I tried to help her but she only ate a few mouthfuls, she hasnt been eating for days now. She wants to but she just cant she says. She also has a fear of escalators.

She does not have a P.

The NHS is useless with that over here, we have been referred and heard nothing for a year then we got a rejection because dd was pregnant, so they have referred her again. This is to see a therapist, and there is 300 people who need it and about 2 therapists apparently.

But will dd go to therapy or will she say its rubbish. So its a hard one to work out.

[pessim-optimist]

I do not have anything wise to add, just thought to let you know I am thinking of you and your dd.   

What a hard place to be: to be scared of life and to be scared of dying at the same time.

I'd think that depression has something to do with that, perhaps... .

[singlemom]

I don't know your daughter or your situation, so I don't want to be alarmist, but I wonder if she's more scared of dying now because she's having more suicidal thoughts and is afraid she will go through with it?

I'm worried because of that remark about her son being better off with you.  I've been suicidal before, and made one pretty serious attempt, and when people asked, "But what about your children?" my response was "they're better off without me anyway," and I believed it.

I would suggest that her she have her son with her as much as possible (even if it's under your supervision).  And never miss an opportunity to tell her how important she is to him.  Not in a guilt-ridden, "he needs you" kind of way, but things like, "Aw, look at how he looks at you!" or "Wow, he settles down so much easier when you are holding him!"  Just any excuse to make her feel important in his life.

[heronbird]

single mum  

Yes, I agree, I do tell her all that, I have told her since her son was born, Ive tried to build her up. I told her course he wouldnt be better off with me, he dont want old fat granny haha, sounds bad doesnt it

I told her time and time again, I asked her did it not make any difference that we all tell her what a good job shes doing, she said no, it didnt make any difference, its like she cant hear it.

She went to GP last week and he gave her 100 pills, can you believe that    

She rang me crying, saying please ring the docs and tell them not to give me that many pills again. I did complain, stupid doc said he didnt read her notes.

I  just want to support her, what ever helps her. Its hard to know what to do.

But I will try to talk to her about her fears and anxieties when I get a chance.

[sunshineplease]

I don't know if this is relevant or not, but UD18 was acting like she wanted to die -- suicidal comments on social media, driving like a maniac, increased parasuicidal behavior -- until she started intense therapy. Then it came out that she was very afraid of dying.

I'm guessing "wanting to die" is sometimes wanting the relief from that fear. As in, "let's just get this over with already."

Thus, a willingness to face the fear of dying might be a sign that she's decided to push back against the temptation to give in to that fear. I can imagine (as suggested above) that a new baby might facilitate that kind of resolve.

Just speculating. I hope you find answers, and that they're life-affirming.

[qcarolr]

Heronbird

Another way to think about this. All the reassurance that she 'is a good mom' can be overwhelming emotionally. Like some books talk about not being too excited with small successes. This build pressure to do even better, and fear of failure.

Maybe simply reassuring her that you are here for her son, and you are here for her whenever she needs to talk. Keeping it simple.

I too was in a very bad depression when my DD was 4-5 and was in intensive treatment - dx bipolar. meds. available then did not help much. I felt that my presence was more harmful than good for my little girl and she would be better off without me. My pdoc saying, well most women with small children do not attempt suicide - well that pushed me over the edge. It so invalidated my very real, though distorted, feelings about my life at that time. I dropped DD off at her aunt's, bought my rx for tranquilizers and water bottle, took the pills, called dh to tell him where dd was. He got me to tell him where I was and I was resuced from myself. It was a long long process of recovery for me -- still is in many ways though I am not suicidal since on lamictal since 2002.

There are still times I just want to escape though. But my fantasy is to go away to live alone in a cabin in the mountains. I share this with dh, he asks to be invited to visit and adds so much crazy stuff to that fantasy I shift into a better mood. You are the one your DD is turning to as trusted to keep her from drowning right now. And though you may feel ineffective, she is still sharing her fears with you. Keep being with her at an emotional level - validating her fears and hurts as real feelings. Then maybe she will open up to some gentle suggestions about self-care things she can do. She knows the strategies. Can you get her to talk about what has worked before? Any mindfulness or meditation? Taking walks - other excercise? Eating a healthy meal with you and her son? Start with her body needs -- this may sooth her emotional distress.

I am praying for you all -

qcr  

[singlemom]

All the reassurance that she 'is a good mom' can be overwhelming emotionally.

I wanted to second this in particular.  Soo many people, when you are depressed, will say things like, "what about your kids?"  and it just feels like people piling on more pressure.  I remember saying, "don't tell me why I *have* to live, tell me why I should *want* to!"

That's what I was trying to get across in my post before.  Saying things like, "you're a good mother" and "he needs you" sound either forced or pressure-filled.  If, instead, you notice and validate small little things in their interactions, then she will start to find enjoyment and internally start to believe that she has worth and purpose in the world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders