Need some support

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I understand what you are going through Eric. I've just spent the better part of two months abroad with my partner, and much of it was pretty good, thanks to a book by Valerie Porr about BPD and how to handle. I defused so many potential episodes... very proud of myself. But gradually, the manipulation and nastiness got to me... and I blew last week. Stopped validating etc... which of course has now escalated her bad behavior. I desperately want to get out of this, but I am struggling with the same thing you are going through. Ugh. Thank god for this site though, right?

[casey1099]

I understand what you are going through Eric. I've just spent the better part of two months abroad with my partner, and much of it was pretty good, thanks to a book by Valerie Porr about BPD and how to handle. I defused so many potential episodes... very proud of myself. But gradually, the manipulation and nastiness got to me... and I blew last week. Stopped validating etc... which of course has now escalated her bad behavior. I desperately want to get out of this, but I am struggling with the same thing you are going through. Ugh. Thank god for this site though, right?

[Eric1]

I know we all make mistakes, but I really regret mine. I didn't do anything really bad, but I did react back at times angrily & she said she felt unloved.

I have wrote an email. Not asking for her back, just highlighting what I did wrong and the changes I've made.

[popeye6031]

Eric, are you writing the letter with some hope that, if you admit your mistakes and changes you have made, she will see the light and give it another go?

You mentioned that you plan to go travelling.  This is a great thing to do to get over what you are going through. I went of travelling and within a few weeks, bingo, girl forgotten about.  Are you in a position to do this soon?  Make as long as you can, when you do get round to it.

I went through something very similar to what you went through (even wrote a letter months after explaining my frustrations regretfully) and I look back now and am so glad I walked away.  The happiness this girl made you feel was only to keep you hooked on her and to serve the purpose of maknig her feel good by the attention you gave her. 

[Eric1]

I think i would be lying if i said i didn't want the email to make her think we could work it all out again.

I won't be able to go traveling til this time next year, which is rubbish. If i could pack my bags now, rent my house out, i'd be gone in a heartbeat.

Do you think the apology would be apreciated? Part of me thinks it'll make her angry for dragging it all back up again.

[Moonie75]

We (people in general, non's, disordered or otherwise) don't miss anybody we're still hearing from mate!

[popeye6031]

Do you think that what you did was the reason that she decided to walk away from the relationship?  From what you have said, it is unlikely that is the case.  I would say she will appreciate that you have validated her belief that the break up was down to issues you have.  And it will also give her the belief that can start manipulating you into being there for her when things go wrong with whatever relationship she is in.  And she will just keep recycling you to make herself feel better.

All the while you are sitting and waiting in hope that one of these recycles will be time when she finally realises it is you that she should be with.

I know it is tough mate, but if you have already sent that email, make it the last contact you have with her.  And if you have not sent it, try your best not to.

A pity about the travelling.  If you can, start getting things planned for it.  Head off for a year.  You won't remember her name at the end of that. :-)

Moonie is correct on his last point there. 

[Eric1]

There was times in the relationship where i acted out of character, got angry, said things i didn't mean & this eventually pushed her away.

I know she won't miss me if i'm always here. But, she won't want to come back if things wouldn't be different. We both need to change, but with what i've learnt, i would be better equiped.

[casey1099]

Of course you reacted, and acted out of character. People with BPD can make you crazy! But here is the thing; do you really think, even if you were perfect, that things would be ok? It is important to remind oneself that this isnt just "tough relationship stuff." If she has BPD, this is a person with a serious, untreated mental illness, and nothing you do is going to change that. Yes, you can learn how to not make it worse, and walk through the minefield with triggering her less. But make no mistake; she will blow. My own situation is with a partner who rages every 4 to 6 weeks. Yes, I learned how to trigger her less. (By keeping my emotions, or any criticisms I might have, to myself. It is extremely lonely.)  But eventually, you'll get tired, or have work, or not enough sleep, and your best skills will wobble. Kaboom!

I'm no success example here, as my partner just stomped off today and got on an airplance, as she is wont to do. I feel that same panic and sadness... . wondering if this is the time she'll leave me for good. But I also know - I KNOW - that the best thing in the world would be for that exact thing to happen. So I am trying like hell to keep a mitten over the dialing finger. )... . and will forgive myself if and when I fail that. Do what you need to do... but don't go down the mental rabbit hole and blame yourself. Be strong mate.

[Eric1]

Why do I feel the need to apologise for my mistakes?

She treated me like crap.

[eyvindr]

Eric --

It's the F.O.G. You're on the fringes of it. It keeps trying to pull you back in. That's just how it works.

The "G" stands for "guilt." You feel guilty, so you want to apologize. You want to apologize, because you feel responsible for what you feel you did wrong. You feel like, if you apologize, you will be forgiven, and then things can be right again.

This is normal thinking. You're being logical.

But BPD isn't logical. It is possible that you had nothing to do with what happened. Sure, your responses could have been better -- you're only human. But did you cause it? Or were you just responding, even reacting, out of exasperation? Did you get defensive? Did you feel attacked?

You know, sometimes, when we get angry, it's because we have something to get angry about!

What happened the last time something went wrong in this r-ship, and you apologized? Did it get better? Did the chaos stop?

[Aussie0zborn]

Eric, you're making excuses for her and then kicking yourself for it. It seems that you feel you caused the chaos. You may not have reacted like a gentleman because we cannot make sense of the nonsense and it is extremely frustrating, especially when it comes out of the blue while everything is rosy. Please consider the advice of eyvindr above and stop punishing yourself.

[Washisheart]

Ugh Val I didn't know you made him go. I was using you as a clutch thinking maybe we can make this thing work.

Eric, one of the most humiliating moments in my life is when I texted my uBPDbf (ex at the Time) and his new ( home wrecking skanky) b texted me back. Don't do it! Stop. Leave her alone.

I have never dealt with so much pain and humiliation as I have dealing with someone with BPD. Don't make yourself look desperate. She is probably laughing at you with her new man. Your sincere efforts to her are a joke. Move on. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Do you really want to be stuck in another recycle?

[Eric1]

I've bettered myself. I want us to get back and to work it out. Knowing what I know now will put me in better stead for the future.

Will she ever come back? No.

Can I try? Yes.

I'm having a weak day.

[Eric1]

Please stop me from contacting her. I've wrote a text message, highlighting what I done wrong in the relationship. I have guilts and regrets & looking back, i did contribute to the break up. I know it takes two, but i feel the need to apologise.

[123Phoebe]

Eric, only you can stop yourself from contacting her.

Where is all this guilt stemming from?  Is it in your nature to feel guilty?

[Eric1]

I regret the way I acted at times in our relationship. It's not a text saying "i miss you i want you back" It's just saying that we all make mistakes,but I have to take responsibility for mine as they're the only ones ican change"

It won't change our circumstances, but it gives me peace of mind because i do feel guilty about the way i was.

[123Phoebe]

Alright, then it sounds like you want to contact her for peace of mind.

Please stop me from contacting her.

[Eric1]

I just don't want to come accross as pathetic for it. Should i state "I'm not asking to get back"

[123Phoebe]

Until you get really clear yourself about what you want, it would probably be best to sit tight and find healthy ways to work through your anxiety.  Any correspondence while you're in a questioning state of mind, will come across as just that... . unsure of yourself, which isn't attractive.

[Eric1]

I want to apologise for my mistakes, nothing more, nothing less.

[123Phoebe]

What are your mistakes? 

[Eric1]

I pushed her emotionally away at times, got angry and said things i didn't mean, was dismissive. She was supposed to move in with me and I didn't take her feelings into account which caused arguements and put a stop to her moving in.

[Eric1]

She done worse, but thats not the point. I still made mistakes, which i'm not pleased with.

[123Phoebe]

Eric, nobody here can give you the answers you'll need to move forward with your life in one straight shot.  If you want to apologize, apologize.  We all do things that someone else might advise us against, because it's our own journey we're on.  That's how we learn.

What I found very interesting personally, is that when I so wanted to reach out, but instead did something different fulfilling to myself, the urge (to make contact) passed like gas.  I was no longer looking at someone else as the answer and soothing balm for my own internal turmoil.

Have you apologized for any of this already?

[eeyore]

ok so what's the point in telling her? 

[Eric1]

Because i had my part to play in the breakup. If i hadn't of pushed her away, then we probably wouldn't be in this position. I have regrets.

[123Phoebe]

Because i had my part to play in the breakup. If i hadn't of pushed her away, then we probably wouldn't be in this position. I have regrets.

She done worse, but thats not the point. I still made mistakes, which i'm not pleased with.

It's a good step when we can own our own contribution to the relationship, as long as we're not taking on too much, like the other person's... .   Or pushing our agenda on another... .

Eric, she's seeing someone else right now, correct?

Maybe it would be best to leave her alone for a few, while you learn to get comfy with yourself.

As a woman who has been involved with breakups, I would feel very uncomfortable if my old boyfriend kept contacting me while I was in a new relationship, trying to move on.  The contact would not make me want him back.  I would probably think about how it's still 'all about him' and he's not taking my needs seriously... . Space.  This would feel to me like a desperate attempt to stay attached.

You are no longer a couple.   

[popeye6031]

Has she apologised to you for the things that she did?

If you apologise you are just validating her beleif that it was all your fault that the relationship failed and will just maker her feel better about going off with her new guy.

It will also you line you up to be her emotional crutch whenever her current relationship fails.

Are you sure that the things you are saying you did to her, you actually did do?  Or did she tell you pushed here away, were dismissive etc?

Do not send her a text Eric.  Stay strong amd show this girl you can mve on.

[Eric1]

She said sorry for hurting me... .

I did push her away. I couldn't take the rages or the controlling behaviour anymore and broke. We would argue constantly. There was times that i over stepped the mark, which i'm not proud of. 

[popeye6031]

If stepping over the mark is getting very physical then ok understandable you could feel bad but don't dwell on it too much

I have behaved in a way with my current gf in ways I am not proud of, like pushing her in respense to her hitting me. Something I have never done in my life before. And of course these retaliations of mine have been used to paint me black to all her friends while she fails to mentions the bruises she have left me with on numerous occasions.

Do not beat yourself up as I am sure she is doing enough of that about you to her current bf.