Get yourself back.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After going NC for about 45 days and receiving over a dozen calls, texts and emails, I decided to email my engaged ex saying that she really needs to let me go and stop trying to contact me. I was very nice about it and told her that continuing NC would be the best for us since she's getting married this weekend and I'm dating again. She emailed back saying she realized she was being selfish for calling when I needed NC but that we were so close and she needed a friend. Basically what people on here call soothing because she can't do it herself. She said in the email that she is friends with all of her ex's and thinks they are more mature because they can be friends with her.

She said that she had changed from when we dated (9 months ago) and didn't do the shady stuff anymore. Keep in mind that 4 weeks ago she texted me "I miss you so much it hurts" and add in about 15 calls in the span of NC. I could already see the distorted reality she lives in coming through in this email. She had "changed" even though just 2 months before she wanted to hook up with me. If she changed, it was because I stopped talking to her. She cheats with her ex's and it's not mature at all like she thinks. It's not cool to still talk with an ex you cheated on your fiancee with - especially when he knows it happened. I had this same problem when we dated. She still talked to an ex she made out with on one of the few nights I didn't hang out with her.

In the end of her email she said she'd leave me alone so I could get over her (ego boost) and that I could contact her when ready. I didn't want to supply her with any drama and argue about her relations with ex's so I emailed her back and said that I'm glad she changed for the better but right now it would not be appropriate to have contact since she was getting married and I was dating again... . but maybe in the future. I thanked her for being civil and sent the email.

The response back told me to basically f off. Complete 180. I emailed back saying I didn't intend to upset her and that I wish her the best. She responded with some childish stuff like "you don't even get me anymore." It seriously sounded like a high schooler wrote this. I couldn't believe how immature she was/how much I'd grown since meeting her a year before. I didn't respond back. There was no need to. She told me everything I needed to be reminded of in 2 brief emails. I didn't supply her with drama (you know that's what she wants) by fighting with her in the emails, I was nice but stern. You can tell she hated that. She hated that she didn't have me telling her that she was making a huge mistake or whatever. She wanted that drama and I didn't give it to her. And by doing that I realized that she is garbage and I've taken back so much of my self worth that she will never get back. How did I do it at first? 45 days NC and very LC for a few weeks before that. I realized that this was her true self - an angry little kid that can't get her old toy back. It's liberating. She can have her other orbiters and ex's and live in a false reality but not with me. Even though she is getting married tomorrow, I've never felt more free from her and I feel that after this hurdle tomorrow, it is finally finished. I'll finally be on my way.

Get yourself back.

NC.

[me757]

After going NC for about 45 days and receiving over a dozen calls, texts and emails, I decided to email my engaged ex saying that she really needs to let me go and stop trying to contact me. I was very nice about it and told her that continuing NC would be the best for us since she's getting married this weekend and I'm dating again. She emailed back saying she realized she was being selfish for calling when I needed NC but that we were so close and she needed a friend. Basically what people on here call soothing because she can't do it herself. She said in the email that she is friends with all of her ex's and thinks they are more mature because they can be friends with her.

She said that she had changed from when we dated (9 months ago) and didn't do the shady stuff anymore. Keep in mind that 4 weeks ago she texted me "I miss you so much it hurts" and add in about 15 calls in the span of NC. I could already see the distorted reality she lives in coming through in this email. She had "changed" even though just 2 months before she wanted to hook up with me. If she changed, it was because I stopped talking to her. She cheats with her ex's and it's not mature at all like she thinks. It's not cool to still talk with an ex you cheated on your fiancee with - especially when he knows it happened. I had this same problem when we dated. She still talked to an ex she made out with on one of the few nights I didn't hang out with her.

In the end of her email she said she'd leave me alone so I could get over her (ego boost) and that I could contact her when ready. I didn't want to supply her with any drama and argue about her relations with ex's so I emailed her back and said that I'm glad she changed for the better but right now it would not be appropriate to have contact since she was getting married and I was dating again... . but maybe in the future. I thanked her for being civil and sent the email.

The response back told me to basically f off. Complete 180. I emailed back saying I didn't intend to upset her and that I wish her the best. She responded with some childish stuff like "you don't even get me anymore." It seriously sounded like a high schooler wrote this. I couldn't believe how immature she was/how much I'd grown since meeting her a year before. I didn't respond back. There was no need to. She told me everything I needed to be reminded of in 2 brief emails. I didn't supply her with drama (you know that's what she wants) by fighting with her in the emails, I was nice but stern. You can tell she hated that. She hated that she didn't have me telling her that she was making a huge mistake or whatever. She wanted that drama and I didn't give it to her. And by doing that I realized that she is garbage and I've taken back so much of my self worth that she will never get back. How did I do it at first? 45 days NC and very LC for a few weeks before that. I realized that this was her true self - an angry little kid that can't get her old toy back. It's liberating. She can have her other orbiters and ex's and live in a false reality but not with me. Even though she is getting married tomorrow, I've never felt more free from her and I feel that after this hurdle tomorrow, it is finally finished. I'll finally be on my way.

Get yourself back.

NC.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you me757! (I really like typing "good for you me"  )

As soon as you don't want to be bff, BPDer does a 180 and paints you black.

Doesn't it feel good that your BS meter registered overload as soon as she started up? 

[bettermentofsociety]

I feel ya brother... . stay the course!

Your ex sounds just like mine with a long list of gullible exes hanging around for their crumb of affection,  followed by heaping helping of emotional abuse... complete with a side of lies and deceit. Maybe some manipulation for dessert.!  Maybe if they are lucky they get some.  Mine will always have them around because she is so physically beautiful. I was one of them... . BUT NO MORE!

I am battling myself in a tango of self-damaging behavior (recycle attempts, staying in bad situations far too long etc.)  and what she'd inflict if I break my 1 month NC.

It's tough but it's reading these stories and getting help on my problems that inspires me to get well and break the cycle.

[DetroitDame]

Any continued contact should be seen as a compliment to how good an impression you made on her but then must be promptly ignored and dismissed with no response. Don't feed the DRAMA which is like air to them!

[GreenMango]

The response back told me to basically f off. Complete 180. I emailed back saying I didn't intend to upset her and that I wish her the best. She responded with some childish stuff like "you don't even get me anymore." It seriously sounded like a high schooler wrote this. I couldn't believe how immature she was/how much I'd grown since meeting her a year before. I didn't respond back. There was no need to. She told me everything I needed to be reminded of in 2 brief emails.

Brillant!  And a little bit of shocking realization isn't it?

What's she's asking for is so grossly inappropriate it isn't even funny.

Good for you for noticing your maturity and walking the line.  Not easy.  That's where I think many of us struggled - thinking/expecting that doing the right thing was going to fix the problem, like all of a sudden the other person would agree , and that its easy or feel great.

You identified the inappropriateness of it and said no thank you.

This is huge and takes a lot of courage. 

[me757]

Doesn't it feel good that your BS meter registered overload as soon as she started up?  

It feels amazing. It's like learning a new language. Bpdspeak. They are master manipulators but can be easily outgrown if you spend enough time working on yourself. Once I realized that the pain was coming from low self worth it became easier. A great way to build self worth is to stop playing their games and discard them. Mean? Yes. But I've realized that it's about taking care of me and not someone who you can't save.

I am battling myself in a tango of self-damaging behavior (recycle attempts, staying in bad situations far too long etc.)  and what she'd inflict if I break my 1 month NC.

It's tough but it's reading these stories and getting help on my problems that inspires me to get well and break the cycle.

Honestly, I don't recommend breaking NC. Usually it doesn't involve a story like this and you end up feeling worse. If they aren't bugging you then stay NC. If they are calling a lot still try NC and if you have to contact I recommend something distant like email... not even instant messaging.

The response back told me to basically f off. Complete 180. I emailed back saying I didn't intend to upset her and that I wish her the best. She responded with some childish stuff like "you don't even get me anymore." It seriously sounded like a high schooler wrote this. I couldn't believe how immature she was/how much I'd grown since meeting her a year before. I didn't respond back. There was no need to. She told me everything I needed to be reminded of in 2 brief emails.

Brillant!  And a little bit of shocking realization isn't it?

What's she's asking for is so grossly inappropriate it isn't even funny.

I honestly think I was just as mature as her when we first started dating. Then comes the hell and then the break up. It was an awful experience but I feel like I've grown more because of this than anything before. Sometimes I think it took a terrible relationship like this to help me mature to the point where I can have mature relationships - something I probably couldn't have done before this ex.

[bpdspell]

I've taken back so much of my self worth that she will never get back. How did I do it at first? 45 days NC and very LC for a few weeks before that. I realized that this was her true self - an angry little kid that can't get her old toy back. It's liberating. She can have her other orbiters and ex's and live in a false reality but not with me. Even though she is getting married tomorrow, I've never felt more free from her and I feel that after this hurdle tomorrow, it is finally finished. I'll finally be on my way.

Get yourself back.

Learning about BPD has been life changing and empowering for me. It allowed me to see my ex for who he TRULY was on the inside: a sick, emotionally stunted person who will never have the capacity to give me the happiness I deserve. They don't even have the potential to make us happy because their neediness makes them takers who give very little in return. Like Green Mango stated; totally inappropriate but it's all a part of their entitlement.

I'm glad that you feel liberated in this moment. Enjoy it. It feels good to know that we've created boundaries where we are no longer their pawns to manipulate. Now you can focus on you.

Spell

[GreenMango]

Most of us were just as immature at the start.

That growth of maturity will create a huge gap.  It has too.  It really is the nature of outgrowing someone.