Settlement Conference Next Week

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The big day is quickly approaching. My stbx uBBD/NPD is back from her country staying at our house with our S16 and D17. I'm staying with a friend while she's here for about 19 days and we only communicate by email so I don't trigger her. Just a brief reminder she's lived away from us for going on 5 years. We run a business together that is related to her career and relies on both of us to operate successfully. The following items will be discussed and hopefully finalized next week during the settlement conference:

1. Parenting:

This was already taken care of and clarified when she was served in February to an extent. Both kids want to finish high schools here. We have money in ROTH IRAs saved in their names to help with college. Visits to her country and living expenses I must incur need to be determined.

2. Our business:

Our business attorney added the following agreements to our articles of incorporation to spell out in clear language the following: ongoing operation agreement, buy-out agreement, and liquidation agreement. These additional agreements are designed to help prevent future legal issues and make clear the ground rules for our continued operation. My stbx has made it clear she wants to continue to operate our business which is good news. I'm not anticipating this issue to be too major of a hurdle. We both benefit significantly by continuing to operate the business. Also, I need 2 to 3 years to develop new sources of income.

3. Asset division:

We own a house and rental properties here and she purchased a condo and we own a second condo there. I want to keep the rental properties here because they provide me with a decent passive income and will be paid off by the time I retire. We both have money saved for retirement. This is likely to be the more complex issue to come to terms with.

I'd love to learn how some of you navigated the settlement conference. Also, any positive vibes you can throw my way are greatly appreciated.

[Jai Yen]

The big day is quickly approaching. My stbx uBBD/NPD is back from her country staying at our house with our S16 and D17. I'm staying with a friend while she's here for about 19 days and we only communicate by email so I don't trigger her. Just a brief reminder she's lived away from us for going on 5 years. We run a business together that is related to her career and relies on both of us to operate successfully. The following items will be discussed and hopefully finalized next week during the settlement conference:

1. Parenting:

This was already taken care of and clarified when she was served in February to an extent. Both kids want to finish high schools here. We have money in ROTH IRAs saved in their names to help with college. Visits to her country and living expenses I must incur need to be determined.

2. Our business:

Our business attorney added the following agreements to our articles of incorporation to spell out in clear language the following: ongoing operation agreement, buy-out agreement, and liquidation agreement. These additional agreements are designed to help prevent future legal issues and make clear the ground rules for our continued operation. My stbx has made it clear she wants to continue to operate our business which is good news. I'm not anticipating this issue to be too major of a hurdle. We both benefit significantly by continuing to operate the business. Also, I need 2 to 3 years to develop new sources of income.

3. Asset division:

We own a house and rental properties here and she purchased a condo and we own a second condo there. I want to keep the rental properties here because they provide me with a decent passive income and will be paid off by the time I retire. We both have money saved for retirement. This is likely to be the more complex issue to come to terms with.

I'd love to learn how some of you navigated the settlement conference. Also, any positive vibes you can throw my way are greatly appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Glad to hear that she showed up and that things are moving forward. Like a lot of pwBPD, she was bluffing (your earlier post mentioned that she was considering calling it off).

I would keep that in mind during the settlement conference -- she is likely to be triggered big time, just being involved in a legal hearing alone is stressful. Be prepared that she will be aggressive, and that you have to know what your bottom line is. Someone gave me great advice right before my mediation -- I can take 24 hours to decide if there are any items too difficult to settle during mediation. Human nature  and the way Ls work -- they will want you to settle. Don't settle if you know it won't be good for you.

I would write a list of what you absolutely won't agree to.

What areas you can be flexible about. Including if she gets this, you want that.

And what you would consider the best case scenario for you.

[Jai Yen]

LNL - good advice. The way the settlement conference works is she'll be with her L in one room and I'll be with my L in another. The settlement master, another attorney, will shuttle back and forth between rooms. I think this format is good. It'll keep her more calm. My L is very, very good so she'll help keep me from giving up too much and she'll make sure I don't take less just to get things settled. We have an additional meeting scheduled if needed in early Sept.

I have that list of what I want. The big thing for me is to keep the rentals and to have enough income from the rentals and our business to run the household on this end and get the kids launch off to college in the next two years.

Were you able to settle after the first meeting?

[livednlearned]

LNL - good advice. The way the settlement conference works is she'll be with her L in one room and I'll be with my L in another. The settlement master, another attorney, will shuttle back and forth between rooms. I think this format is good. It'll keep her more calm. My L is very, very good so she'll help keep me from giving up too much and she'll make sure I don't take less just to get things settled. We have an additional meeting scheduled if needed in early Sept.

This is excellent. Mine was mediation, and we did it exactly the same way. A lawyer/mediator went back and forth between rooms. And that's great that you have a second date already on the calendar. It will take lots of pressure off you.

Were you able to settle after the first meeting?

We settled 98%. Unfortunately, the 2% we didn't settle took 2 years to sort out (I ended up getting sole legal custody of S12), and there were a lot of things we settled on that I'm still trying to close. N/BPDx won't give me the title to my car, and he hasn't refinanced the house. So almost 3 years later, I'm filing a motion for contempt to get that taken care of.

Even though things aren't all resolved, if you can settle on terms that are agreeable to you, celebrate that. It's unfortunate that pwBPD don't comply with things they initially agree to, but that's the way it is. If I remember correctly, your ex has a lot of narcissism -- I think that works in your favor during settlement stuff. She will be motivated to present well to her L, and not look unreasonable. I know my ex agreed to so much because he wanted to show largesse. Fine with me! I just wish he kept it up

[Jai Yen]

If I remember correctly, your ex has a lot of narcissism -- I think that works in your favor during settlement stuff. She will be motivated to present well to her L, and not look unreasonable. I know my ex agreed to so much because he wanted to show largesse. Fine with me! I just wish he kept it up

I'm predicting a similar situation. She'll make herself look like a very reasonable person when the Ls are around.

Fortunately, legal custody of the kids won't be an issue. I'm sorry to hear about your situation LNL. When the kids are involved like that it must be very stressful. I'm happy you got full custody. Your S12 will be far better off with a stable home environment. Fortunately, both my kids understand that it is their mother who brings on the chaos. I'm worry about my S16 thought. He's been with her since early July. I know she spoiled him and he told me she'd drink too much and go off on me to him verbally. He's wise but that mother/son relationship is really powerful. I plan to get him into more counseling. I'll just take one step at a time and deal with it all the best that I can.

[Matt]

Is it too late to re-think letting her stay in your house?

I can imagine a lot of ways that could go bad.

[Jai Yen]

I thought long and hard about that Matt. She has to return on Sept. 10 to go back to work. My L put some very clear language in a document we both agreed to last time related to her staying at the house with my permission for up to 3 weeks. I think we have some sway should things go south. Seems, at the moment anyway, that she's doing ok over there. No major drama so far. She's cooking and shopping (using her money - I removed check books and all important financial paperwork) with the kids. Time will tell.

[ForeverDad]

My settlement conference lasted 5 or maybe 10 minutes and went south/ended in a moment.  The reason it failed was that my ex is very entitled and the temp order was completely in her favor.  Yes, the reports weren't favorable for her, but delay kept her in the favorable order longer.

Your situation is different, you aren't on the bottom fighting an uphill struggle to get a decent order.  Doesn't mean you'll have smooth sailing, but it seems to me that a lot of your divorce issues will work out without too much distress.  I do feel she will try to make emotionally compelling claims without much substance, be aware that logic vs emotions usually isn't an even match.  Try to keep the emotions from taking over and let the calculations rule that day.

[Matt]

Try to keep the emotions from taking over and let the calculations rule that day.

Yes, and it may be best to let the lawyers do all the talking, while you listen and interrupt only if your lawyer is taking things in the wrong direction.  The lawyers won't be affected by guilt, or pity, or whatever - just business.

[livednlearned]

Another piece of advice that helped -- write something to yourself that you can read while in mediation. Nons tend to give things away too soon, too easily. You think "If I just give her x, then things will be easier for everyone." My experience is that even the stuff N/BPD agreed to became difficult.

Really stick to what you know is best for you. If you think it isn't fair to give something up, don't give it up. And if you are already thinking, "I just want this over. I'll give away this, this, and this just to have this over with" -- then go see a T! Giving her everything she wants won't make this all go away. That's the sad logic to all of this. It's a bottomless pit of conflict.

The good news is when you understand that, and can really focus on your boundaries, and what you think is best. In my opinion, that's when it's truly over -- when you find your boundaries and stick to them, regardless of how the disordered person behaves. That's what freedom looks like for us. 

[Jai Yen]

I have a meeting Sunday evening with my L. She needs to provide the settlement master an outline of our case on Monday - then Tuesday we have the settlement conference. My friend a retired attorney gave me the same advise Matt - decide your bottom line ask for much more and just let the L's handle it.

really stick to what you know is best for you. If you think it isn't fair to give something up, don't give it up. And if you are already thinking, "I just want this over. I'll give away this, this, and this just to have this over with" -- then go see a T! Giving her everything she wants won't make this all go away. That's the sad logic to all of this. It's a bottomless pit of conflict.

Again, LNL, this is an awesome point. I feel after all the careful planning I've gone through to this point that rushing things at the end just to "get it over with" could really be a disadvantage. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

One anther note I got a call from my daughter last evening telling me her mama wants a cabinet in the kitchen fixed right away. Even under this circumstance she's demanding! I feel like she's poking me with a stick!

[Matt]

One anther note I got a call from my daughter last evening telling me her mama wants a cabinet in the kitchen fixed right away. Even under this circumstance she's demanding! I feel like she's poking me with a stick!

Yeah, if that's not entitlement I don't know what is.

"Tell her if she wants it fixed she should talk to the guy she's paying to stay there.  Oh wait - she's staying there for free!  So maybe she should fix the son-of-a-gun herself."

It will be good if your daughter can see how inappropriate such a complaint is, and learn from it.