Mediation meltdown

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Here's my situation.  A little over a month ago, I presented my wife with a separation agreement.  After a week, I was presented with an offer to take this case to a private mediator to adjudicate everything.  I agreed to it, then went through the intake process.  They asked about my assets, what is there to dispute, asked about past issues with abuse, neglect and mental health.  (Gee, I wonder what I said to the last one. )  After the intake process was completed, we were both presented with dates to meet up for the mediaton.  I mentioned that I had to make arrangements to have someone pick up our daughter from day care if the times couldn't be adjusted, but that otherwise, I was ready to go.

This morning, I heard from my wife (who isn't even living at home half of the time now) that she was asking if I could have someone pick up our daughter from day care.  I agreed, since I was considering that anyway, but she seemed oddly scared to ask, as if something was wrong.  As it was during the morning routine, I took note of it and went on with my day.  Then this morning, I get this email that insists that she can't take any time off from work to deal with the mediation.  I find this interesting because no matter what, any action we choose is going to occur during business hours of some sort. 

I am wondering if I'm being somehow stalled for time.  I would prefer to go the agreement route because in my home state of NY, I would have to establish residency separate from my wife for at least a year in order to file on my own.  I am also in rough financial straits, though I'm trying with difficulty to contact Legal Aid locally.  So what should my next step be?

[iluminati]

Here's my situation.  A little over a month ago, I presented my wife with a separation agreement.  After a week, I was presented with an offer to take this case to a private mediator to adjudicate everything.  I agreed to it, then went through the intake process.  They asked about my assets, what is there to dispute, asked about past issues with abuse, neglect and mental health.  (Gee, I wonder what I said to the last one. )  After the intake process was completed, we were both presented with dates to meet up for the mediaton.  I mentioned that I had to make arrangements to have someone pick up our daughter from day care if the times couldn't be adjusted, but that otherwise, I was ready to go.

This morning, I heard from my wife (who isn't even living at home half of the time now) that she was asking if I could have someone pick up our daughter from day care.  I agreed, since I was considering that anyway, but she seemed oddly scared to ask, as if something was wrong.  As it was during the morning routine, I took note of it and went on with my day.  Then this morning, I get this email that insists that she can't take any time off from work to deal with the mediation.  I find this interesting because no matter what, any action we choose is going to occur during business hours of some sort. 

I am wondering if I'm being somehow stalled for time.  I would prefer to go the agreement route because in my home state of NY, I would have to establish residency separate from my wife for at least a year in order to file on my own.  I am also in rough financial straits, though I'm trying with difficulty to contact Legal Aid locally.  So what should my next step be?

[Waddams]

Are there any court orders in place yet?  Are you paying her anything yet?

I know a guy whose wife moved out, and they split kid time 50/50, but they didn't get actually divorced until their kids were legally adults.  I got the impression she was at least mentally unhealthy and maybe disordered, and he was fine with the on going shenanigans as long as they didn't escalate too bad.  The advantage for him was he never had to deal with court ordered child support or alimony.  When the kids were adults, he filed and got a divorce finalized after a little bit of hemming and hawing about alimony that she would have had a really hard time proving she needed after moving out, supporting herself, and then living with another guy.

The moral of the story is that sometimes you can make their delays and stall tactics work for you as long as it's not hurting the kids.  I even let my XW stall things for over a year.  I had my L back off and not do anything so I wasn't running up legal bills, and it worked out okay in the end.  She had been a stay at home mom, but by the time she got around to be willing to finish the case, she was working and supporting herself, and our son was used to 50/50.  It made a big difference to the judge.

[iluminati]

There are no court orders in place, and no one is paying anyone any money as of right now.  Weirdly enough, she insists on keeping some stuff here. 

The whole idea of moving out without getting officially divorced is a tempting one, especially since my wife doesn't have a history of being violent to me or our daughter.  That is a good point though about the upside.  I even know someone who has done that in the past, and it's worked for them.  This is food for thought.

[livednlearned]

Whatever you arrange unofficially will likely be considered status quo when and if you do file. So if you set up a custody/visitation schedule for your daughter in the interim, and it is to your advantage, and your ex goes along with it, that would help you in court.

[Lady31]

Well, if you want to try to get it moving forward I would ask her what her desire   would be.  Given that she can't take time off for mediation, does that mean she does not see that as an option in the near future, or is it just this immediate time frame and would it be okay to go ahead and reschedule?

I would then put serious thought into whether or not you want to allow her to keep things there or stay there intermittently (if she is) especially if your state requires you to be separated for a year.  (I don't know the specific requirements in your state, this may be okay as long as she is not actually living with you?) Anyway - you just may want to cover yourself there and get that time frame moving forward incase it comes down to that in the long run anyway.

[iluminati]

Lasy31, I'll definitely do the homework as to the law in my state.  That said, I should ask her.  The thing is every time we discuss anything in person, she either lashes out or is afraid I'm going to beat her.  This will be tough, but I need to do what I must.