Should I get my boyfriend hospitalized?

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I've had an on-off relationship for just under a year with a guy who exhibits a lot of traits of BPD, and also some tendencies towards psychosis. He can be a very nice sweet guy, but repeatedly shows behaviours that are very emotionally unstable, paranoia, over-the-top jealousy, and episodes of inappropriate anger and rage. He has weird paranoid thoughts about everyone watching him/talking about him/everything in his surroundings being a sign meant for him and sometimes begins saying strange things about Jesus and the devil and about how he has proved the existence of God. Although we've had a lot of happy moments, a relationship with him sometimes feels more like babysitting a child, as I have to walk on eggshells not to upset and anger him. He'll be the sweetest guy one day, but then he gets really angry over seemingly trivial things, and will do things like knock over chairs, yell, storm out, break up with me only to come back in tears two days later saying he hopes I don't hate him, ignore me for days or call me a lot of names. I have seen him hit a stranger because he was convinced he was laughing at him, and once I had to drive him to hospital after he punched a sign so hard that he fractured his hand. He thinks everyone is out to get him. What concerns me the most is that he seems to be deeply in denial about his problems. He blames everyone else, repeatedly says that he is "the sanest person he knows" and that everyone else is not intelligent enough to see things the way he does. I'm not sure if I can handle this and stay with him, but right now whether I stay or go isn't even my main concern.

He has a passionate hatred towards his ex-girlfriend, and recently a pretty disturbing incident took place which showed me what he may really be capable of. My boyfriend turned up at my ex's workplace, as she was apparently refusing to return some of his things. He made a scene and screamed at her in front of her manager demanding his stuff back. When he still didn't get it back, he walked out to the parking lot and loosened some of the wheel nuts on her car. She reported this incident to police and asked them to have him committed to forced psychiatric care. However, since she did not witness what he did to her car, the police have no proof that it was him and have not taken any action.

Recently the ex and I talked, and I told her that my boyfriend had admitted to me that he tampered with her car. She now wants me to make a statement to police and back up her claim, in order to get him a forced psychiatric assessment and possible hospitalization.

I really don't know what to do. I'm devastated because this is obviously the last thing I want for him, but I can't have him be a danger to other people. She could have had a car accident because of him. So maybe I should go to the police and get him institutionalized? I have a few concerns though. He has been forcibly hospitalized and put on antipsychotics once before, but he is still the way he is... . so I'm not so sure whether this would even be helpful. I'm also concerned that I would hurt him and deepen his problems - how can I, the closest person to him, break his trust, when he already feels everyone is out to hurt him? What if that just makes him worse? He seems scarred by his last relationship, I don't want to add to that. I'm also concerned that he may get into some kind of legal trouble if the police get involved. He often has illegal substances on him and I'm concerned that they may search him and find them. I want to get him help, not to have him fined or jailed. He has enough problems.

I really don't know what to do... . Maybe there's a way I can do this without getting the police involved? It is hard getting him to admit that he has a problem and to seek help on his own. He has recently asked me to seek counselling with him, but mostly under the premise that he feels I'm the problem and that the counsellor would help ME change... . although last weekend he did finally admit that he has some serious problems. Just when I was about to get him to come to therapy, he got mad over some comment and started ignoring me again. I want to help him but I am really beginning to feel that the best thing for us both may be to get him hospitalized, leave him and let the professionals take care of it. But I don't want to inadvertently cause him more harm than good by getting him hospitalized, and I would prefer not to lose him if that is at all possible. So I don't know what to do. Should I make the police report? Should I try to get him to come to counselling with me first? Should I leave or stay and support him? It's all a pretty hard decision.

[Violista]

I've had an on-off relationship for just under a year with a guy who exhibits a lot of traits of BPD, and also some tendencies towards psychosis. He can be a very nice sweet guy, but repeatedly shows behaviours that are very emotionally unstable, paranoia, over-the-top jealousy, and episodes of inappropriate anger and rage. He has weird paranoid thoughts about everyone watching him/talking about him/everything in his surroundings being a sign meant for him and sometimes begins saying strange things about Jesus and the devil and about how he has proved the existence of God. Although we've had a lot of happy moments, a relationship with him sometimes feels more like babysitting a child, as I have to walk on eggshells not to upset and anger him. He'll be the sweetest guy one day, but then he gets really angry over seemingly trivial things, and will do things like knock over chairs, yell, storm out, break up with me only to come back in tears two days later saying he hopes I don't hate him, ignore me for days or call me a lot of names. I have seen him hit a stranger because he was convinced he was laughing at him, and once I had to drive him to hospital after he punched a sign so hard that he fractured his hand. He thinks everyone is out to get him. What concerns me the most is that he seems to be deeply in denial about his problems. He blames everyone else, repeatedly says that he is "the sanest person he knows" and that everyone else is not intelligent enough to see things the way he does. I'm not sure if I can handle this and stay with him, but right now whether I stay or go isn't even my main concern.

He has a passionate hatred towards his ex-girlfriend, and recently a pretty disturbing incident took place which showed me what he may really be capable of. My boyfriend turned up at my ex's workplace, as she was apparently refusing to return some of his things. He made a scene and screamed at her in front of her manager demanding his stuff back. When he still didn't get it back, he walked out to the parking lot and loosened some of the wheel nuts on her car. She reported this incident to police and asked them to have him committed to forced psychiatric care. However, since she did not witness what he did to her car, the police have no proof that it was him and have not taken any action.

Recently the ex and I talked, and I told her that my boyfriend had admitted to me that he tampered with her car. She now wants me to make a statement to police and back up her claim, in order to get him a forced psychiatric assessment and possible hospitalization.

I really don't know what to do. I'm devastated because this is obviously the last thing I want for him, but I can't have him be a danger to other people. She could have had a car accident because of him. So maybe I should go to the police and get him institutionalized? I have a few concerns though. He has been forcibly hospitalized and put on antipsychotics once before, but he is still the way he is... . so I'm not so sure whether this would even be helpful. I'm also concerned that I would hurt him and deepen his problems - how can I, the closest person to him, break his trust, when he already feels everyone is out to hurt him? What if that just makes him worse? He seems scarred by his last relationship, I don't want to add to that. I'm also concerned that he may get into some kind of legal trouble if the police get involved. He often has illegal substances on him and I'm concerned that they may search him and find them. I want to get him help, not to have him fined or jailed. He has enough problems.

I really don't know what to do... . Maybe there's a way I can do this without getting the police involved? It is hard getting him to admit that he has a problem and to seek help on his own. He has recently asked me to seek counselling with him, but mostly under the premise that he feels I'm the problem and that the counsellor would help ME change... . although last weekend he did finally admit that he has some serious problems. Just when I was about to get him to come to therapy, he got mad over some comment and started ignoring me again. I want to help him but I am really beginning to feel that the best thing for us both may be to get him hospitalized, leave him and let the professionals take care of it. But I don't want to inadvertently cause him more harm than good by getting him hospitalized, and I would prefer not to lose him if that is at all possible. So I don't know what to do. Should I make the police report? Should I try to get him to come to counselling with me first? Should I leave or stay and support him? It's all a pretty hard decision.

[Surnia]

Violista

this is tough! Dealing with psychotic behavior, perhaps drugs... .

What I can say from my experience: You alone cannot save him, not from illegal substances, not from serious mental problems like psychotic episodes.

Do you were direct witness when he loose the wheel nuts? Then i would really recommend to see the police and make a report.

[SadWifeofBPD]

You don't have to be an eye witness to what he did SINCE he told you that he did it.  You can report that.

However, you need to be careful.  If he put his ex-GF's life in danger out of anger over some "things", then who knows what he'd do to you if he felt that you "betrayed him".

This is a dangerous situation either way. 

[Violista]

I was not a witness when he did this, but I seem to be the only person that he directly confessed to that he did it.

When he told me about it he said it like he was proud of it, with a kind of smirk/laugh... . I was pretty disturbed by this.

When I expressed my shock over what he'd told me, he started going on about how he doesn't want me if I'm going to be judgmental.

I think I do have to file the report because he is out of control, and just listening to him talk about some of his psychotic thoughts is so overwhelming that I know ordinary support from friends or a partner won't help. I'm finding it really hard to "betray" him like this though... . And scared that he may get in trouble rather than just being treated.

I'm wondering too if this is a good idea because the first time he was hospitalized not only was he not sufficiently helped, but he was forced to take antipsychotics which made him hear voices, and seemed very inspired by some guy he met at the mental hospital who just sounded completely crazy when he described him. So maybe it's not good for him to be around the other patients there.

SO maybe this isn't the right move, but I really feel like I have to do SOMETHING.

[Surnia]

Hi violista

Its a really difficult question. 

Do you have had moments before with him were you would consider him being a danger for yourself or other people? If yes, I would perhaps reach out to a psychiatric helpdesk or a DV center. They can help you to find a decision.

Its not much what I can offer - stay tuned, violista.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Violista

This is a tough situation indeed.

I just wanted to chime in on the "betraying"-question. I personally don't see it as a betrayal to take steps to get help to someone who is too unwell to help themselves.

I think it's a good idea to contact a DV center or psychiatric helpline to ask for advice, like mentioned above.

We're behind you

[Violista]

Hi,

I spoke to his sister-in-law about the problem today, and she agrees that he needs serious help. She also agrees with my opinion that this guy's mother is not going to be any help in getting him some treatment, because she is in denial about his condition. She has apparently refused to listen after several people have tried to tell her to help him get psychiatric help, and she ends up disliking anyone who says anything negative about her son. His brother has tried to help him in the past, but apparently he has given up because he has had no support in this from the rest of the family, and only got yelled at about it... . so he apparently doesn't even want to talk about the issue anymore now.

The sister-in-law thinks I should just leave him alone, get over him, and let his family handle things, but I don't really feel that that's good enough because they don't seem to be doing much. She also told me that there was a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia involved when he was hospitalized a few years ago. I'm pretty sure he has told me he had a BPD diagnosis as well.

To answer the question, has never done anything around me that I felt put ME in any danger, but I have seen him start punching someone once, I've seen him fracture his own hand punching a metal sign in a rage, and now he's admitted to me that he tampered with the ex's car. THese three incidents all took place within less than a year... . So yes I do have some concerns that he may be a danger to himself and others.

This whole thing is heartbreaking to me... . We've broken up now so maybe it's not my place to do anything for him... . but I love him and wish he could just be well, I can't watch him do this to himself... . Apparently he has gotten worse with time, I'm scared to think where he may be in five years.

[Surnia]

Hi violista

The hard part with all kind of mental health problems: We would really wish we could help our SO to reach out for the right treatment. They have to make the steps... . and if they are in denial, its very difficult.

I would probably follow the advice of your sister-in-law.

[Violista]

but Surnia earlier you were recommending going to the police?

[Surnia]

I meant it more generally, you are right about the original question about the wheel nuts, I lost it a bit.

I am really not sure anymore. I have concerns about your safety should it not be enough to get him arrested or hospitalized.

[Violista]

Feeling particularly heartbroken today... .

He is refusing to talk to me and is really angry because he thinks I told the ex girlfriend about the wheel nuts. The truth is, she already knew/suspected, I only confirmed it, only after she mentioned it to me herself.

He is going on about how i've broken his trust and how he thought I was the only one he could trust and how he'll never trust a woman again. Under these circumstances how can I break his trust even more by going to the police? It's pretty hard for me to do.

[Surnia]

Hi violista



Does he ever shows a sign of consciousness that loosing wheel nuts is a crime?

And what about your trust? Can you trust somebody who is able to do such things?