Explain how ex wife convinces her bf that he is new dad

[Feduppisces]

This is messy... .   My fiancé has his kids every other  weekend and every Wednesday for visitation. His kids love him and visa versa. He is involved in his kids life but the divorce and hereafter has been high conflict due to ex wife having what i believe to be BPD/NPD. So enter his ex wife' bf of less then a year. She moved him in as the she moved her other boyfriend out. He was still married and i think he recently got divorced and has to young kids himself.

She refers to him on Facebook as the my fiance kids' dad & has the youngest refer to him as daddy blank and bf's behavior is escalating towards my fdh. I will give you situations. Bf is telling the kids that he is going to beat up their dad, bf tells the kids fdh owes ex wife money and he better pay it back ( untrue). He tells the kids that their dad buys them thing so he will like them more than bf.

Now ex wife's bf is taking it upon himself to time the kid's phone calls with their dad and tells them their time is up.   He restricts the middle kid from talking to his dad. by putting him in time outs during the court ordered phone calls and refusing my fiancé to let him talk to his son.   We are seeing a remarkable difference in the oldest son's emotional wellness ( peeing pants am and pm) ( brainwashing) (lying). The list goes on. 

When my fiancé goes to his kid's sports games or practices the ex wife's bf will not let fdh say goodbye to the kids saying and I quote," you can say bye to the kids on your time with them" , he blocks my fiancé from talking to his oldest son who is playing football and actually stands next to them when his son approaches. During the conversation the bf will step in and start taking off his helmet and act like he is his dad.  It is so weird and creepy. Meanwhile the boyfriend's kids are running wild.

The ex wife no doubt orchestras all of this while playing the victim in the background. She has played the rape card and the abused card. You name it she has thrown it on the table but please explain why and what it this boyfriend's motives? Is he suffering from a mental illness or does he have very low self esteem and is he competitive.

I'm wondering what we can do to stop this. We want to be wise about this and methodical. 

[Ishenuts]

Is there anything in the divorce decree or parenting plan about contact, or "reasonable access"? Anything about "fostering a loving relationship" or "not hampering the free and natural development of the children's love and respect for the other parent"? I think it's pretty standard wording. If the exWbf is restricting contact, and she's allowing it, you may be able to threaten contempt. I'm taking my uNPDexH back to court for contempt for this very reason. There's also the disparaging comments the bf is making. There should be a warning about that, too, in the court orders.

The bf is obviously doing it with the exW support. I believe the courts want the parents to be in the children's lives, and one parent restricting that is a "no-no". And a bf, gf or step-parent is not the same as a parent.

These people act like they are thinking about the children, but it's the furthest thing from their minds. It's all about seeking revenge and getting back at us!

[ForeverDad]

He is an enabler, perhaps a dupe.  But with his active involvement he might have been picked to be her BF who would do what she wanted, something the prior BF wouldn't do?

I agree, this has to be stopped.  The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to undo it.  She and her new BF are actively attempting parental alienation.  Another thing to do is get the kids into meaningful counseling.  Most counselors don't want to get involved in court cases, but the kids do need someone they can talk to, a professional who doesn't have an agenda.

FYI, in my divorce my custody evaluator made an interesting observation, expressing concern that my then-stbEx couldn't share 'her' child but I could.  To the CE that meant a lot.  And as expected, it has been a struggled to some extent ever since.

[Feduppisces]

Ishenuts- I believe so. It gets tricky here.  The court took away joint custody from my fdh because he got a RO against uexwife for harassment and stalking.  Yes I typed that correctly. She has full custody because the court said fdh and her couldn't communicate and somebody needed to make the decisions.  So... . ro has expired and he is in process of trying to show court he is communicating so joint can be restored. Last time he took her to court on contempt charges they pushed back he review for joint because it showed they were not communicating.  She has him by the balls. She uses the " I have full custody" angle to block him on every thing. 

But I digress I believe if it isn't in divorce decree it is in the FOC guidelines.  Thanks.

Foreverdad- the first bf was nice (according to fdh's kid) wanted to be a cop.  He tried being her white knight against fdh but I really think he had too good of a heart and she knew it.  I found out recently the new BF was her little brother's high school friend so maybe he had a crush on her way back when and she exploits it 15 years later?   

[livednlearned]

Do you have a copy of Divorce Poison by Richard Warshaw? Really good to get a copy to help deal with these kinds of tactics. They're insidious and deeply traumatizing to kids, especially if the alienation stuff is successful.

Make sure you get evidence that is in print. In court, you cannot say, "Son said this, and son said that." You have to have evidence of what took place. Unless you are somewhere that the judge will meet in chambers with the kids. Even then, it can be hard for kids to get accurate accounts of what's going on, especially if the other parent coaches them.

Try to start an email thread about what's going on.

[DreamGirl]

There is a rising trend in Judges awarding one parent "primary custody" when there is high conflict between parents. I read an article recently that was discussing how the dockets are being filled with frivolous issues arising between parents who are high conflict and who have joint decision making rights. So there is an effective resolution in awarding one parent "power". The arguments cease, dockets lighten.  

The child pyschologists are being included being that it's not in the best interest of the children to have two feuding parents who can't communicate effectively. William Eddy has dedicated his professional life to helping these kinds of families - but it's very difficult and it costs money.

So if you are trying to solve a problem and you're not emotionally entangled in the situation - then it makes sense to allocate the decision making rights to one parent. It just sometimes isn't always the "best" parent.  

As far as naming StepDad their new Dad... .

In my State there is a "Standard Order to Parents" that states:

3. Involve step-parents or significant others in a sensitive fashion. As a general rule, step-parents or significant others should not be part of the transportation or child-care process during parenting time, at least until this issue has been decided by the court or both parties have signed a stipulation.

4. Do not encourage, permit, or require a child to refer to any person other than the child's parents as "mom" or "dad". A clear distinction in name should be established.  

Any chance you have something similar?

~DG

[Feduppisces]

Livednlearned-  we own the book and fdh is almost through it and we are using the B.i.f.f model to communicate with her.  Fdh is a pro at paper trails so everything is documented but she is a pro too because she is a social worker so she gets us there.  But her emotions always get the best of her.   Thanks

Dreamgirl-  I hope my fdh's judge doesn't catch on to this trend.  He is trying so hard to get joint back.  Fdh and his ex's boys need to see a more qualified therapist one that has knowledge of personality disorders.  She won't allow that because as she reminds him daily. "I have full custody".

There are no standard order of parents regarding step parents in my state.  Funny thing is he is only a boyfriend.  Thanks.

[GaGrl]

Does the ex have primary residential custody or full legal custody? Two different things.

[Feduppisces]

Full legal custody. And fdh goes back in 5 months to an administrative review to see if he gets joint legal back.