Week 8 of Silence-I don't know what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Over the last few weeks since a vacation-meltdown (to re-cap: this was our first break up... . he got stressed and after some raging yelled "that's it!  we're done."  Haven't seen or talked with uBPD ?ex since. We were (are) together over 2 years now), I've tried a combination of N/C and L/C.  The honest truth is that I'm just not able to go completely N/C.  Even tho that means I don't get a response.  I don't want him to forget about me.  I will rarely get a one liner back.  For example, I worked at home last Friday and texted him to see if he would meet for coffee.  I got a response back "I have a morning appointment in (a town about 45 min away). 

The advice is so conflicting, and I know that it depends partly on what I want.  The honest truth is-I miss him and am not finished with this relationship-if I have a choice.  Although all of the signs of BPD are absolutely there, I have not personally really experienced the dark side of things (save a few brief silent treatment episodes a few months ago), until Fourth of July weekend.  I wish I had known then what I know now-I would have handled things very differently-even tho I stayed calm.

I read that sending non-emotional supportive brief messages from time to time can be a good thing-so he doesn't forget me (the whole object constancy thing).  I hear that N/C is best because then he will likely eventually miss the relationship and check back in.

In the meantime, I know that he is not seeing someone else.  His best friend says that he hasn't really spoken about the details of the breakup-just that we did break up.  We have no other friends in common (well, none that he now sees anyway because they were my good friends before we met) - except for his daughters and I just can't burden them with this (he went N/C with them for four years before reconciling when he and I started dating) - so information is scarce.  I do know that his back has been really bothering him, so he's trying to take care of that-according to his friend.

So, continuing to work on myself, seeing a T.  Eventually I will work my way out of caring and obsessing but for now, I want to do everything in my power to at least set the stage for a conversation with him some day.   I welcome your thoughts, experiences and advice. 

[isseeu]

Hi everyone,

Over the last few weeks since a vacation-meltdown (to re-cap: this was our first break up... . he got stressed and after some raging yelled "that's it!  we're done."  Haven't seen or talked with uBPD ?ex since. We were (are) together over 2 years now), I've tried a combination of N/C and L/C.  The honest truth is that I'm just not able to go completely N/C.  Even tho that means I don't get a response.  I don't want him to forget about me.  I will rarely get a one liner back.  For example, I worked at home last Friday and texted him to see if he would meet for coffee.  I got a response back "I have a morning appointment in (a town about 45 min away). 

The advice is so conflicting, and I know that it depends partly on what I want.  The honest truth is-I miss him and am not finished with this relationship-if I have a choice.  Although all of the signs of BPD are absolutely there, I have not personally really experienced the dark side of things (save a few brief silent treatment episodes a few months ago), until Fourth of July weekend.  I wish I had known then what I know now-I would have handled things very differently-even tho I stayed calm.

I read that sending non-emotional supportive brief messages from time to time can be a good thing-so he doesn't forget me (the whole object constancy thing).  I hear that N/C is best because then he will likely eventually miss the relationship and check back in.

In the meantime, I know that he is not seeing someone else.  His best friend says that he hasn't really spoken about the details of the breakup-just that we did break up.  We have no other friends in common (well, none that he now sees anyway because they were my good friends before we met) - except for his daughters and I just can't burden them with this (he went N/C with them for four years before reconciling when he and I started dating) - so information is scarce.  I do know that his back has been really bothering him, so he's trying to take care of that-according to his friend.

So, continuing to work on myself, seeing a T.  Eventually I will work my way out of caring and obsessing but for now, I want to do everything in my power to at least set the stage for a conversation with him some day.   I welcome your thoughts, experiences and advice. 

[connect]

Hi Isseeu,

I have been following your posts and am sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I have been with my uBPDbf for a year and a half and he has broken up with me twice before and I have had bouts of silent treatment. All since he came off his anti depressants in March. I know very well the limbo feeling. It's awful! I am sure that being subject to this feeling so much has had a bad impact on my health


I have a few questions for you:

When he went on the holiday and raged what was his reason for the break up? Did he give you any kind of  reason?

Is he diagnosed with anything mental health wise?

If so could he have perhaps stopped taking some of his meds?

Money seems to be a worry with him - has he had a large tax bill or something come up?

Did his bad back get particuarly worse just before the break up? Is it stopping him doing things he enjoys now (like the furniture restoration?)

It seems like he was feeling a bit inadequate about himself from what you have said ref not working and with money etc. Also my bf is horribly triggered by holidays too and by closeness so it could be those factors too.

The thing that I can really relate to with you is the limbo feeling. Perhaps others are better at dealing with that than me but I HATE it. It seems to stop me functioning. I cant eat or sleep when I am like that... . horrible... .

I know that Scout and another poster have previousley suggested setting a deadline for getting some answers for yourself. For me personally the limbo feeling is not sustainable - it sucked the life out of me and it looks like you are struggling with it too.

I think that your guy does owe you some better sort of explaination or idea of his intent/state of mind/progress, BPD or not. The timeframe is quite a while now and even if he is still having problems I think that it is fair enough that you should know.

After my 12 day break up I did go and see my bf for a talk (he had sent a few texts first but only light friendly ones) I went as I needed to say some things to him and I wanted to end the limbo feeling for myself one way or the other. I figured I had nothing to lose. He had already told me it was over so what more could he do? finish with me again?  . I felt that I had given him time to calm down. I wasnt prepared to be dumped by the dysregulated side of him. If when he was calm he still felt the same way then I would have accepted it. The limbo feeling comes with me from not knowing if its said from the disorders workings or from their real intent. I went with the intention of saying what I wanted to say and giving him a small platform for anything he wanted to add. I let go of the outcome. I was ready to lose the r/s if i had to - I knew I couldnt move on until I had said my piece. We did get back together that night but I was prepared for any eventuality.

I dont think you need permission from them to do this kind of thing - I just kind of told my bf I was going to be at his place and turned up. I intended to be in and out within the hour. Short and sweet. It sounds as though you may need more interaction at this time to get some clarity in your mind and break the limbo feeling of waiting. Two years is a long time to be together and it would not be unreasonable to have another conversation with him if you need one for you.

How long would you leave it in limbo before you moved on and dated someone else / mentally said goodbye to him? You can move it forward by being open and honest in a chat with him and save yourself some more limbo pain. You can find out what his state of mind is at the moment. I think that even if he doesnt like that chat it wouldnt stop him coming back in the future if he wants to - they tend to do that i have noticed almost regardless of our behaviour sometimes  

I expect I have said all the wrong things to you Isseeu! It's my personal trigger that limbo feeling and I hope you can feel better soon. Its hard this BPD world - I was tearing my hair out with my one today after a period of good times.

Good luck - thinking of you!  

[isseeu]

Hi connect,

Thank you for such a thoughtful message.  You ask so many good questions.   You have NOT said all the wrong things.

My udpd had/has so many financial worries-a horrible and expensive divorce, foreclosed house, massive toys/possessions that still need to be sold, and still much impulsive spending.  I was dealing with the fallout of some things I didn't know about.  We were excited about planning a Sept trip to Hawaii-one of the things he said in the blow up was "I can't go to Hawaii in September!"  Out of the blue... . after all of our sweet planning.

To answer you question about his reason for the break up, there wasn't one.  Just a lot of ranting about his self esteem, financial situation.  His final words to me were "you're just like the others!"  Heartbreaking, because I've heard how other women have treated him and spoken to him... and I'm not like that.  He was picking a fight-trying to get me to leave him first I believe in hindsight. And damn if I didn't finally, after three days of silent treatment and confusion... . give him the return anger that he needed to justify the break.  I was calm, right up until my final "f-u"  which is not something I normally say... .

He is not on meds-never been diagnosed to my knowledge.  To answer your question about his back-yes, it's been severe lately.  It started 8 yrs ago when he was injured as a captain/pilot with a major airline, after being a navy pilot.  Once on medical disability-long before we met- he began as a heavy pot user- mostly as a coping mechanism, but frankly,not for his back pain.  Our best 1.5 years were when he was active with me, riding bikes,... . his back was hardly an issue.  Anyway, sometimes I wonder if my "line in the sand" about pot use is what is causing him to keep his distance now.  I know he's back into that again and it makes me sad.  I've had some bad experiences with friends who were prone to depression using pot as a crutch... . it always makes things worse for them.  I know that everyone is different-but it's not a world I want to live in.  I've never pretended to be anything different and always asked him to just be honest.  I didn't want to control him, but I want my options to be open too-and I want to live authentically in partnership with someone I know.  I don't know if that makes sense or not.  Just one more characteristic of people with BPD... . substance abuse.

He lives in a secure apartment building, and I don't have a key.  The option of saying "I'm showing up" isn't there for me.  So for now, I guess limbo is my place.  I hate it... . and I don't understand why he won't talk to me.  My best friend had a baby today... . I told him... . and not a word.  She and her husband loved him... .

Bleh... . again!  Thanks so much for writing.  It all helps doesn't it?   

[SadWifeofBPD]

So sorry that you're going thru this.  It is so painful.

His final words to me were "you're just like the others!"  Heartbreaking, because I've heard how other women have treated him and spoken to him... and I'm not like that. 

I want you to consider this:  very likely, those "other women" weren't as he described, either.

  PwBPD or other PDs often describe their former SO's as crazy, mean, evil, selfish, etc... . when more likely the truth is that they were normal people who were mistreated by the pwBPD.  But, they've been painted Black, so you've been told that they treated him badly.  Even if they did say/do certain things to your BF, likely you haven't been told the proper context or the whole story.  If a pwBPD calls his SO all kinds of nasty names, and then (finally) the non calls that person an a$$, the pwBPD only tells THAT.

Never believe what a pwBPD says about anyone.  What they think is "selfish or crazy behavior" on the part of a non that they've painted Black, is often normal behavior that won't kowtow to them.  On the other hand, you can't believe everything that they say about someone that they've painted White because that person has been put on a pedestal of perfection.

However, your BF believes you to be "just like those others," and therefore he may feel that you need to be discarded as well.  That's painful.  No one likes to be unfairly labeled and unfairly dumped.  However, the previous women in his life may also feel similarly unfairly labeled.

I'm curious... . why were you both planning a Hawaii trip (guessing that would be pricey) if he's having money troubles?  That would seem to just be piling on more stress.

[isseeu]

Hi SadWifeofBPD,

Thank you so much for the message.  It is painful for sure.

My ex bf was married three times.  (I know... I know... )  He never speaks badly of the first two (wife number two was the mother of his two daughters), but the third was different. Interestingly, they were married the longest of all three (14 years) and I think that she had major issues herself.  They had a very stormy break up, make up cycle-she'd leave and drive to Florida, after months of no talking he'd go get her, they'd make up, things would explode again, ... . and so it went.  They also had a very exciting life together when things were going well-into the Nascar racing scene, had friends in the entertainment business, etc.  In any case,  I've seen a lot of their historic written communication back and forth and she was mean and demeaning-lots of name calling, threats to kill herself, throwing of items-loads of drama. They had a very toxic dynamic-he would go silent, that would provoke her, she would rage, he probably did too, etc.  I realize that I can't believe everything he says, but she was different from the first two. My guess is that the first two wives ended things, number three didn't-he filed for divorce from her.  Of course he takes zero responsibility for anything that went wrong in any of the relationships.

As for the Hawaii trip-good question.  I had enough mileage credit for two free trips, he had enough timeshare points to stay for free-and he was really excited about it-outwardly.  You're right about it piling on stress-I just didn't know until he blew up just what kind of stress he was under financially.  He spends impulsively all the time and gave very mixed messages.  I would have never been on board with a trip to Hawaii if I had known what was going on inside him.

Anyway, sad stuff... .

[isseeu]

SadWifeofBPD,

One more thing.  When my ex bf accused me of being like "all the others,"  he was referring I believe to his immediate ex but also to his mother and his two sisters.  One of his sisters wound up committing suicide (strongly suspect BPD there-for lots of reasons), the other abused him when he was little-they are estranged now, his mother was an emotional abuser-who he wound up caring for during her final years with alzheimers.  He really has been through a lot.  He refers to other abuse as a child, but never talked more about it.  sigh... .