Basic Parenting in Parenting Plan?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello!

My ex has uBPD. When we got divorced, he and I wrote up our own custody, visitation and child support arrangements and had it notarized. We did NOT use lawyers and we did NOT go through any courts. I agreed to this for a few reasons, one being cost, but most importantly, I was trying not to make him mad because I was also moving the kids out of state (a three hour drive away). My plan was to see how things went and, if changes needed to be made, make them at a later point. The later point has arrived, and this time, I am going through the courts.

I know my ex will be very angry when he finds out I am doing this and the things I am including in it. Some of what I want to include seems like common sense and ridiculous to include, but, sadly, it is a necessity. For example, do not view pornography when the children are in your care. I also included this to say "even if the children are presumed to be sleeping or in another room" and that's because he's used those excuses before and they have caught him looking at it. I am not saying pornography is a horrible thing, but it is NOT for the eyes of children.

I would like to include other things, such as make sure the kids brush their teeth, make sure they take showers, comfort them when they are upset, make sure they are fed, do not ridicule the children, do not yell at the children if they are concerned about something and tell me, make sure they wear clean clothes each day, etc. It's all common sense stuff and I feel silly wanting to put it in there. He does do all these things SOMETIMES but not consistently. He has his moments where he is a GREAT dad, but, again, it is NOT consistent and his switching behavior is so unpredictable. I know how horrible it was when I lived with him and I feel bad that the children have to deal with this now when they see him for visitation.

Does anyone else have common sense stuff in custody agreements or parenting plans? Do courts approve this kind of stuff?

For the record, my children are ages 11, 10 and 7.

[rose17]

Hello!

My ex has uBPD. When we got divorced, he and I wrote up our own custody, visitation and child support arrangements and had it notarized. We did NOT use lawyers and we did NOT go through any courts. I agreed to this for a few reasons, one being cost, but most importantly, I was trying not to make him mad because I was also moving the kids out of state (a three hour drive away). My plan was to see how things went and, if changes needed to be made, make them at a later point. The later point has arrived, and this time, I am going through the courts.

I know my ex will be very angry when he finds out I am doing this and the things I am including in it. Some of what I want to include seems like common sense and ridiculous to include, but, sadly, it is a necessity. For example, do not view pornography when the children are in your care. I also included this to say "even if the children are presumed to be sleeping or in another room" and that's because he's used those excuses before and they have caught him looking at it. I am not saying pornography is a horrible thing, but it is NOT for the eyes of children.

I would like to include other things, such as make sure the kids brush their teeth, make sure they take showers, comfort them when they are upset, make sure they are fed, do not ridicule the children, do not yell at the children if they are concerned about something and tell me, make sure they wear clean clothes each day, etc. It's all common sense stuff and I feel silly wanting to put it in there. He does do all these things SOMETIMES but not consistently. He has his moments where he is a GREAT dad, but, again, it is NOT consistent and his switching behavior is so unpredictable. I know how horrible it was when I lived with him and I feel bad that the children have to deal with this now when they see him for visitation.

Does anyone else have common sense stuff in custody agreements or parenting plans? Do courts approve this kind of stuff?

For the record, my children are ages 11, 10 and 7.

[DreamGirl]

What's the current parenting time schedule?

[rose17]

He currently sees them every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday night), we alternate Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, and he has them during the summer when they aren't in school and I get them every other weekend plus one week in the summer. He also had them for the majority of the time for winter break and spring break from school. But after this summer and the events that have transpired, I would like to request him having one weekend a month, with virtual visitation (video chatting) whenever the kids want, keep the alternating holidays, and I have them during the summer. I would also like to add a stipulation that if he continues to make poor parenting choices that the visitations will become supervised.

[DreamGirl]

Has he consistently exercised taking the agreed upon parenting time? 

I would like to include other things, such as make sure the kids brush their teeth, make sure they take showers, comfort them when they are upset, make sure they are fed, do not ridicule the children, do not yell at the children if they are concerned about something and tell me, make sure they wear clean clothes each day, etc. It's all common sense stuff and I feel silly wanting to put it in there. He does do all these things SOMETIMES but not consistently. He has his moments where he is a GREAT dad, but, again, it is NOT consistent and his switching behavior is so unpredictable. I know how horrible it was when I lived with him and I feel bad that the children have to deal with this now when they see him for visitation.

These kinds of issues are tough.

I would love if my exH would make sure that my boys [insert brush teeth, take showers, wear clean clothes] but he doesn't. His "parenting value" is that "they are old enough and should know better and they can learn the natural consequence". i.e. If none of the girls like them or they are made fun of at school, then they'll know that hygiene is important.

Our parenting values are different. I'm pretty strict in my rules. My exH tends to be more relaxed. I also have them the majority of the time and have learned which battles to pick and which are just not worth it. My son's have gone the whole weekend without showering. I tend to pick that battle with them not him.

There are certainly lines to be drawn in the sand. Neglect isn't acceptable and third party intervention is absolutely necessary at those intervals. When with their dad, are the kids being neglected (by your state's standards)?  I also think that walking in on Dad watching pornography could be a pretty traumatic experience. Does he not have a lock on his door?

I just don't know that you'll be able to include the parenting style differences. Or that it would be basis for a reduction in parenting time. Have you consulted an attorney? What does he/she think?

-DG

[rose17]

Has he consistently exercised taking the agreed upon parenting time? 

There are certainly lines to be drawn in the sand. Neglect isn't acceptable and third party intervention is absolutely necessary at those intervals. When with their dad, are the kids being neglected (by your state's standards)?  I also think that walking in on Dad watching pornography could be a pretty traumatic experience. Does he not have a lock on his door?

I just don't know that you'll be able to include the parenting style differences. Or that it would be basis for a reduction in parenting time. Have you consulted an attorney? What does he/she think?

-DG

No, he does not always want the kids during his time. He usually does, but not always. He was supposed to have them this past weekend but decided not to see them so he can attend a family reunion with his current girlfriend. I have also adjusted the weekends he has the kids numerous times to accommodate the visitation/custody agreement his girlfriends at that particular moment have their kids.

Regarding the neglect, again, this is inconsistent. They can go two weeks with him without a shower, and the whole summer not brushing their teeth. Granted, my older ones should be knowing to do these things on their own, but they don't. If they could choose between playing video games or taking a shower, they're going to play the video game. Feeding them is sometimes an issue, although now they are old enough to at least go into the kitchen and make themselves something basic to eat if needed. But there have been times when he would sleep on the couch while my kids begged him to wake up because they are hungry (which I only know about because after their failed attempts they called me). I am mostly concerned with emotional neglect. If one of the kids is feeling sad, or tired and wants to go home, or whatever else, he will not attend to them. There also isn't much affection (hugs, kisses, "I love you's" from my ex to the kids, HOWEVER, if the kids do not show HIM affection, he will get mad at them. When with him, he also leaves them at night with his parents whom are literally dying (he lives with them) and cannot easily walk around the house. It seems as though being in the care of his parents are the same as them being alone. Plus there's the concern of one of them falling or becoming very ill with the children there. His parents quite frequently have to call 911 to come help them.

As far as the pornography goes - ha! He would view it on the computer in the living room! Or his cell phone on the couch (while the kids are in the room). Or on his bedroom tv with the door open. Once he locked them in their bedrooms during the day so he could watch it on the big screen in the living room. I came home to that one. And the children aren't really asleep or in another room... . that's just what HE says. The things my children have told me all indicate that my ex has been lying to me about when and where he watches that stuff.

I am in the process of collecting all of my paperwork for my attorney and I have not addressed this with him yet. I want to go in prepared.