Can you stay once it becomes physical?

[Morrison11]

So, here I am in about week three of "trying to work it out".  Things ended because she "wasn't getting the love and attention she wanted".  It was easy to fix that for me.  In reality, I haven't changed a damn thing.  Of course she spent the one week away from me finding her "validation" from two of her exes.  She openly shared with me that it wasn't about desiring them, but that it was about feeling wanted and validating to her that she is worth it.  In reality, these exes treated her like garbage, and are just looking for a piece of ass.  But thats not what I'm getting at here.

I spent that one week apart from her grieving, crying, calling out sick to work, drinking, pacing, chain smoking, etc.  I have tried to paint a picture for her of what it was like for me, but she is CONVINCED that I must've been doing some bad things, like she was.  Thats not my style.  I am so committed to this girl, and I have been aware of her BPD from day one, so I've always justified her behavior and stuck by her side no matter how much I lost respect for myself.  I think she has begun painting me black.  Its like she forgot how amazing I've treated her, and how faithful I have always been.

In the three weeks we've been back together, things have really been wonderful, outside of the fact that she keeps asking about my exes.  First it was one ex, then a week later, it was another, and finally this past weekend she centered upon my oldest ex.  I'm talking about a girl I "dated" in 10th grade.  Clearly my relationship with this girl is over a decade old, and was puppy love.  We bumped into her about a month ago, and my girl got mad and said "you didn't tell me how pretty she is!"  I reassured her nothing was going on with this ex, just as nothing was going on with any other ex.  It seemed like she accepted my reassurance.

This past Saturday, we had a few drinks at a bbq together, and that ex from 10th grade texted me.  Obivously I have nothing to hide, and since I was driving, I asked my gf to check the text.  It seriously said something along the lines of she just bumped into someone we knew back in high school, but my gf FLIPPED.  I mean, I have seen her get angry before, but I have never seen this RAGE before.  Of course she had 3 beers or so, mixed up with her anti depressants, but this was different.  She began to verbally attack me, break me down, tell me how this girl doesn't want me, nobody wants me, im so worthless, she wants a big d*ck, not me, etc.  I kept my cool and just kept reassuring her there was nothing going on and I loved her, nobody else.  I tried to switch the radio station and she punched my radio.  Then she slapped me.  Its never been physical before.  She can get angry with me, but she never hit me.  Granted she is a tiny 100lb girl and it didn't hurt, and I can definitely defend myself, but it was just so shocking.  As we sat at the light before my house, I picked up my phone to check the time, and she asked if I was going to text my ex.  I sarcastically said, "seriously?", and she punched me.  She punched me!  What the hell?

I asked her not to drive home since she was too drunk or enraged or whatever to drive.  So she stayed.  She went from attacking me to crying hysterically on my floor.  I sat there and just talked calmly to her, reassuring her about my commitment to her.  Out of nowhere, she shook her head (kind of like she was dusting her hair off), and said "its hot in here".  Then, like a god damn light switch went off, she came to.  It was like she had an exorcism performed or something and the demon just left her body.  She was so upset and ashamed of how enraged she had gotten.  She kept saying "I lost my mind, I can't believe I just lost my mind".  I put her to bed and we slept it off.

The next morning she was still super ashamed and kept apologizing.  She left that morning, and later we talked about it.  She told me she was going to contact her DBT program, that she had dropped out of about four months ago, and start seeing her therapist again.  She also said she would e-mail her psychiatrist about what had happened.  She told me she hadn't had that much rage since she was "BPD".  (She seems to think that she has outgrown BPD and is cured.)  She was scared of her reaction to the text I guess. 

My question is what should I do here?  I've stuck by this girl's side through thick and thin with this relationship.  I know she needs DBT.  I know she needs meds.  I know she needs not to drink.  My problem is that it got phsyical, and I can't guarantee that she will stick to DBT or working on this stuff.  I love her, I really do, but it was scary.  Do I try to maybe go to DBT with her?  I've done that before in the past.  My family wants me to run.  My friends want me to be happy but don't want me to get punched around.  I don't know what I want.  I love the girl, but I don't want to be constantly accused of nonsense, when she is simply projecting her guilt and bad behavior onto me.  I'm innocent.  I've done nothing but be faithful and treat her like gold.

[Aussie0zborn]

This is a good question and you need to be aware with what happens once you accept physical assault. Mine was "shocked" that she punched me repeatedly in the face leaving a bruise and apologized unreservedly promising it will never happen again. a week later she said, "gee, you mark easily" like I was a wimp or something and inferred that i brought it upon myself.

They then spend a lot of time making up for it so you get blindsided and overlook it. Your male ego forces you to forget it happened and so now there are two people working on covering it up and enabling that behavior for next time. And there is always a next time, and next time it's your fault because you know what she is like and she will point this out to you.

As you will see from other posts on these boards, when you call the police and report an assault they claim THEY were assaulted and YOU get arrested, especially when you are physically bigger than her.

My BPDw assaulted my daughter and a cop and the police have taken restraining orders against my daughter and I. The BPDw is the aggressor and we are the victims but she managed to turn this around and convince the police that we are the aggressors and she is the hapless victim. The police did not charge her with assaulting them or my daughter but instead issued restraining orders against us as she is a "person in need of protection". Go figure.

Once you accept being her punching bag that will be your role in the relationship. And you will never get any thanks for it. Guaranteed.

[popeye6031]

I am not a physical person at all.  I played rugby for many years and never struck anyone and have never struck anyone at any point outside of playing rugby.  But my uBPDgf has got physical with me many times and a coupe of times I have reacted (when drinking) and pushed her away.  One time it took her grabbing and twisting the skin on my side, back and arms about 30 times before I reacted.  And of course everyone saw me pushing her away, no one saw the 30 bruises I was left with.

If you put up with this and the cheating she has done, she is going to think she can do whatever she wants and you will stil accept her.

I just found out my fiance cheated many times (some after we got enaged 7 months ago) and it killed me.  And all the time she was doing this, she was accusing me on a daily basis of cheating.  My initial reaction was to forgive her but having really thought about it and everything else she has put me through, this is the end for me.  I am just deciding how to handle ending it.

Have a good think mate and decide if this is how you want your life to be.  How long have you been together?

[babyducks]

Morrison,

Don't know how it will play out for you but my r/s got physical and once it did things went down hill very quickly.

Like it says here in the workshops its very hard to stop yourself from reacting when attacked.   All the willpower in the world won't matter, human nature is wired to react in certain ways.

I ended up with a broken bone that required surgery, a plate and four screws to put back together.  I have a permanent scar and loss of mobility.   

I thought I was bigger, tougher, stronger and it would never happen to me.   Until it did.

babyducks

[Vindi]

is this the 1st time she was physical with the punching with you? or has this happened b4?

either way, it doesn't sound good, and you don't deserve verbal and/or physical abuse... . and if you let her do this, well get away with this, without setting boundaries, she will most likely do this again.

You do have choices and I do wish you the best... .

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Mo,

     It has been my (unfortunately) considerable experience that when smaller people get repeatedly enraged and find they can't manage to inflict much damage on their 'loved' one with their hands, they switch to small weapons.  Favorites I've seen over the years have been razor blades and small kitchen knives, such as steak knives.  It takes little strength to use these; mostly just "temporary" crazy will manage quite well.  Physical abuse is a boundary that must never be crossed, even once.  Don't think you are invulnerable.  I could tell you stories that would curl your hair.

LT 

[Morrison11]

Thank you all for your kind advice in this really overwhelming situation.

I've experienced a lot of the BPD issues during our time together, starting from day one, but I never really saw the rage until this past weekend.

The texts are flowing in from her, begging me not to leave.  I guess in our few days of NC, she has been struggling (of course) with the lonelieness factor.  She doesnt have any relationship with family members and really only has one close friend.  She is feeling extra lonesome because a couple of aquantainces are purposly leaving her out of things (or so she says... . could be a projection or overanalyzing a situation).  Either way, I hate that I can't support her in this moment.  I hated leaving, knowing she'd be alone, but I had to go with NC after it blew up and she punched me.

Of course now I am getting the whole "I can't live without you" "life isn't worth living anymore" and so on and so forth.  Its hard because I've dealt with the suicidal thoughts with her before.  They only happen when she feels alone and distant from me.  In the past, I've notified her mother about it and put it in her hands, but that only made her hate me and rage at me more.

I know going back isn't the smart option, its just so darn hard because I do love the girl, and I hate being on the long list of people she has felt abandoned by.  In reality, she asked me to leave, but now that shes come running back and I am hesitating, she will file me under "abandoned me".

[dotSlash]

Hey morrison, I know what you're going through. I have been nothing but caring and faithful to my uBPD gf and during moments of rage she has become physical a few times. And like you, my tiny 110ib woman did not afflict much damage on me with a few hits (which I took) and punches (which I blocked). After I held her down until she calmed down, she also broke down crying and screaming and then apologizing, and finally after that, like you experienced as well, she just switched back on to her normal state, acting like it never happened. Recently she was acting very awful to me and I set some firm boundaries with her, one being if she ever gets physical again, I'm leaving and never speaking to her again. This I plan to stick by, for my own well being and happiness. I should also note that she really liked the other boundaries, telling me she was happy I was "putting her in her place" for once. If any of them are crossed, I will be leaving her, and so far things have been well so far. I also told her that if she gets upset (rages) I am leaving and discussing it with her later when she's cooled down. Too many times did I try to discuss things with her when in that state what absolutely anything I say is not processed and increases the anger

[Newton]

Morrison11... . I too was the recipient of physical abuse when my ex was dysregulating... . very scary... . but fortunately for me she was arrested and received a police caution (she admitted the attack during a 999 call that SHE made which was recorded    )... .

Lets flip your question... .

Are YOU willing to stay now it has become physical?... .

Are you willing to set a strong boundary that you can stick to?... . She has escalated things... . it is frightening you... . (understandably)... . you could get hurt, or in a lot of trouble with the law who do not participate on this website!... .

[Morrison11]

dotslash-I definitely like your boundary about rages.  In my case, I stayed completely calm, which is something I learned early on about arguments of any kind with her, and waited until she snapped into reality to talk to her.  We talked through it together that night, and spent the night together.  The problem for me I guess is that I was still in such shock the next morning that it had even taken place.  I would set that boundary, about walking away during her rage and only speaking when she is calm, but I'm not completely sure that I'll have the chance.  If her track record holds true, she is probably on her way to or two hours into visiting an ex at this point.  Thats a whole other boundary, which has been set already, and if she has crossed it, there is no going back for me.

Newt-I guess the reason part of me is willing to stay is because I'm not scared of her.  The punches didn't hurt, since she is such a small girl.  The scarier part, and the part that I can still feel in my chest, is the way her words burned out of her mouth with such rage at me.  Its like any time she is unhappy, she will find a reason to project it onto me, making me the scapegoat for her irrational fears, and dig at me by hitting me with the words that hurt me the most.

Lao-I have always promised myself that I would respect myself enough to never stay with a cheater or an abuser.  Looks like I let my love for this girl break my own boundaries, eh?  Why is that BPD romantic relationships are the exception to the rule?  Why are BPD romantic relationships so damn hard to quit?  I love this girl, even after all of the dysregulation, projections, imagined fears, rage, infidelity, etc. 

[Clearmind]

It can escalate and I agree with Newton - Are you willing to stay now the goal posts have been moved?

And be mindful of false allegations of abuse.