A brief glimpse of a forewarning.

[Emelie Emelie]

He flat out warned me.  Before he told me about the BPD even.  Said I'd get tired of his BS.  I'd leave him.  Over and over again.  I said you get a little irritable some times but I think you are a great guy.  He said yeah, I've heard that before.  You'll get tired of it.  You'll leave me.

[Clearmind]

I was never able to reign her in. My personality is not equipped for that.

It was a forewarning of what was in store for me.

Idealize. Devalue. Discard. Again and again. I tumble still.

Yes it was a forewarning Ironman!

One of those glaring red flags that we chose to ignore.

What did this relationship provide you with?

she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... .

What would you think and feel now if the same were to occur with your next date?

[Ironmanrises]

Emelie,

She told me similar words too.

Clearmind,

What did this relationship provide me with?

The answer scares me.

What would i think and feel if the same were to occur with my next date?

I would remember the massive amount of pain that would inevitably follow if i followed on that same path... . that would immediately halt any further pursuit of that.

I would only be hurt again.

[KellyO]

The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

You know what, I heard this same line in the very beginning of our rs from my ex-bf, and my reaction was same as yours... . stupid, stubborn me! He said:"I must be treated like a dog and kept in tight leash, I can't be a leader in any rs". And in my mind I thought: "What the hell, I'm not responsible for anyones actions, I don't understand what he means". Boy did I learn what he meant!

I don't actually understand what is the meaning of this warning, because these people can't be controlled, they can't be kept in leash and they perfectly know it. Maybe it is a projection? Like real meaning is "I'm going to treat YOU like a dog, and keep YOU in a thight leash, and make sure that YOU will not lead this relationship, and you have no right to complain because I did warn you and you are still here"

Same as how my ex-bf gives an image of wanting nothing more than eguality and an egual relationship. In reality he would rather die than let it happen . It is all just acting and BS. He knows what kind of person he is and he seems to think that if he just keeps lieing about it, to himself and to the world, he can be BOTH. He can be a nice, gentle guy who everyone loves and he can be "himself" = disordered, powerhungry egocentric misogynist.

[viccijo]

I'd completely forgotten until I read some of your posts. At the start he was always breaking up with me and saying 'I'm not good enough for you', 'You deserve better than me'. I would argue that he was the one leaving me, i'm not going anywhere.

This thread has made me 100% certain what I have been dealing with all these years.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Yeeeeeepppppp... Heard them too,  's but ignored or overlooked them.

All my ex girlfriends left me for better blokes

I'm not some desperate loser crying into my Weetbix over you, (insert my name here).

You don't want to get involved with me, (and gives me a list of why nots).

I am the Devil

Everybody hates me, but they all like you, (and then proceeds to hate me for that twisted belief!)

In answer to how many partners he had had (relationships or flings), when he hinted at a colourful past, "I don't know, 100?"

I'm a bit mentally unwell or shell-shocked, from the things that have happened to me in my life... (said often)

Everybody leaves me in the end, for someone better!, (and then continues to set it up so you can't stand his behaviour, or he dumps you himself)

My friend (inserts his friends name here) was really good looking, a real women puller, they were all over him, (I lost count of how often I heard this story, and I think he was alluding to how he met so many himself and how great that was). I really got sick of hearing this focus on the glory days of his past... his favourite subject... .

I used to be really popular too you know!, but not now...

"I just want to find a 'nice friend' to hang out with'. (how many guys would you describe as 'nice friends' if your a guy looking for 'friends'. This told me he was always on the lookout for someone new and better.

I'm lonely, and don't have any friends or anyone to hang out with... (this I heard the whole time he was with me!)

I used to smoke a lot of pot, but I gave up 6 months ago...

There were others too, along the way, but I overlooked them, as he seemed to be joking around at the time...

"I'm thinking about finding a 14 year old (certain native to this country, ethnic group) girl for a wife and breeding with her".

I used to peruse porn/teenage porn, but only for a short time a long time ago...

I once visited prostitutes with my friends, when young and stupid, (as all young men apparently do!)

Biggest of all, he was reading "The Collector" when he met me, and re-read it several times.



As of late and not having heard from him now for almost 3 weeks, (his longest ignoring ever in 3.5 years) I am finding out the extent of the great lies he told about the other females in his life when he met me, after he met me, and how he is still continuing to hunt the 'ones that got away', even if he didn't get deeply involved with them...

Over the last few months, his behaviour towards me deteriorated once again to the physical abuse, and very dangerous.

Saw him once on the 10/6 where he assaulted me, (resulting in a call to the police from neighbours by me) and damaged my property and threatened my life...

Second time, I was conned into going back up to see him on the 14/7 and again, he acted out very badly, raging in public, humiliating both of us, threatening me, and trying to damage my property again... Glad I got away relatively unscathed.

Since the 14/7 and before that, most of his contact was only by phone anyway, he was pretending I wasn't welcome at his parents either, (later found that out to be a lie). This was his 'punishment to me' for 'kicking him out of my house after 2 years of continual abuse and refusal to seek help or change his ways... also flat out refusal to take time outs when he got too angry/upset... there was also prevention of me leaving his attacks too...

So now, I have been ignored again, for two weeks going on three... The first time he did this was after he assaulted me on the 10/6 and he expected me to go back to see him on the 16/6 without a vow that he would not abuse me again...

I refused, so he painted me black and dumped me... ignoring me for 2 weeks. I did the NC thing too, not contacting him, or very little, and just went with it...

I was just getting over the worst of the assault/shock/being dumped again, when he rang out of the blue... This came with a promise to have cuddles and nice time together on the 14/7. But I was tricked once again, as almost soon after I had arrived, he was back to acting out, raging, denigrating, projecting and verbally abusing my close family, expecting me to sit there and listen to it all over again...

When I said I wasn't going to, he jumped out of the car, slammed it with great force, and proceeded to make more of an idiot of both of us... Eventually, I just drove away for a while... When I later went back to pick him up, he started raging/ranting again.

Eventually I drove off again, (this time for a good hour or so) then I drove back...

He returned to acting out. And eventually around 5am, I left and drove home, since he would not return affection, and was cruel and cold... When I drove off, he came running after my car like a lunatic, throwing rocks at me...

That was the last time I ever saw him in person...

On the 13/8 he rang, snarling in tone, after doing yet another few disappearing acts overnight, and called his parents C***'s, and then the same disgusting word was applied to my daughter and her partner.

I said No more, I don't agree and don't wish to hear that word between us any longer... I was about to remind him there was to be no more nastiness between us, that he could not expect me to act like a saint, and yet he continue to act and talk the same way he always had...

So, when I disagreed with his entitlement to abuse my family again, he called me the disgusting C word, and told me to F**K off, (this was screamed/snarled at me). Since then he has ignored me...

Several times I messaged him, no response...

I have noted there had been several hang up calls though, over the two weeks, randomly, but over the last week, there have been no more... I believe he is with someone new, (or at least sleeping with someone else).

Since I know his emotional dependence on having a woman in his life, as a source of narcissistic supply is needed, (he has his Mother, but believes his Mother hates him too), and lately I have found out the extent of his lies to me, about his interactions with other women 'friends' in his life when he met me and after too...

I feel the need to uncover as many more lies as I can, to remind me of why I don't want to return, should he ring again, out of the blue...

[eyvindr]

Wow -- scary. I've heard ALL of these too, Hazel:

... .

"I have no idea who I am sometimes."

"Why do you love me so much?"

"Promise me that you'll never leave me."

"How can you forgive me for... . X/Y/Z ?"

"You're never going to go anywhere, are you?"

"You're the only person that really believes in me."

Reading them back... . some make me sad for me, and some make me even sadder for her.

Amen.

[snappafcw]

Yeah mine were all similar... . sucks... .

[Ironmanrises]

"I dont know who i am"... . She told me this at very start of devaluation phase.

In reference to herself, "i only see things in black and white"... . Told me this in 2nd round of devaluation. I recoiled when she said that.

[snappafcw]

In the second last time I ever head from her the big thing she said was "Nothing you loved is here anymore im a different person now"

I realise the reason she never recycled me after this is because I called her out on her BS... . I told her how much i loved her but I wouldn't Put up with her behavior, her stonewalling or not communicating with me. She didn't meet me half way and I pretty much haven't heard from her again. She got sprung!

I guess this is something to be proud of myself for... . I've been focusing on how sad I am to be rejected when I should realise she is gone because i stuck my ground... . I guess this is a turn around point for me im not as big a pushover as i thought

Sorry to go off topic i just had the epiphany

[Ironmanrises]

Snap,

Even though you called her out on her awful behavior towards you(totally justifiable)... . if she has successfully re-engaged you at least once... . the likelihood of future attempts of contact her is high. Such chaos we are left to deal with.

I know that must have took a lot for you to come to that epiphany. Takes a lot of inner strength to get to that point.

[KHC_33]

The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

You know what, I heard this same line in the very beginning of our rs from my ex-bf, and my reaction was same as yours... . stupid, stubborn me! He said:"I must be treated like a dog and kept in tight leash, I can't be a leader in any rs". And in my mind I thought: "What the hell, I'm not responsible for anyones actions, I don't understand what he means". Boy did I learn what he meant!

I don't actually understand what is the meaning of this warning, because these people can't be controlled, they can't be kept in leash and they perfectly know it. Maybe it is a projection? Like real meaning is "I'm going to treat YOU like a dog, and keep YOU in a thight leash, and make sure that YOU will not lead this relationship, and you have no right to complain because I did warn you and you are still here"

Yep my partner said the same thing, oh well you knew I was depressed, you knew I had anger issues, you knew. You wanted to be in a relationship with me. You were warned, if you don't like it there is the hiting door. Yep... . it's amazing how they blame you when they are so delusional about their own behaviors and thoughts. He was very sweet in the beginning, I just thought he was hurting because of his failed marriage. WOW, wasn't hurting more like pissed off because his pride had been hurt. Nothing remorseful about what he did AT ALL.

Same as how my ex-bf gives an image of wanting nothing more than eguality and an egual relationship. In reality he would rather die than let it happen . It is all just acting and BS. He knows what kind of person he is and he seems to think that if he just keeps lieing about it, to himself and to the world, he can be BOTH. He can be a nice, gentle guy who everyone loves and he can be "himself" = disordered, powerhungry egocentric misogynist.

[Clearmind]

What did this relationship provide me with?

The answer scares me.

What would i think and feel if the same were to occur with my next date?

I would remember the massive amount of pain that would inevitably follow if i followed on that same path... . that would immediately halt any further pursuit of that.

I would only be hurt again.

Might be good to dig a little and find out what you were seeking out in this relationship. Many of us walk away victims when it was a relationship of our choosing. We got something from it.

If you heard that again it would not only equal pain it would equal going into rescuing tendencies again. There is a reason why we care take and rescue, instead of finding an emotional equal who is capable of a reciprocal relationship.

The first time i was in a relationship with my exUBPDgf... . one of the earliest things she told me was "I need you to be strong. I need you to reign me in when i get out of hand."... . This was way before i even knew anything about BPD and thought her odd behaviors she had exhibited even when i was just friends with her were due to personality quirks with her.

You know what, I heard this same line in the very beginning of our rs from my ex-bf, and my reaction was same as yours... . stupid, stubborn me! He said:"I must be treated like a dog and kept in tight leash, I can't be a leader in any rs". And in my mind I thought: "What the hell, I'm not responsible for anyones actions, I don't understand what he means". Boy did I learn what he meant!

I don't actually understand what is the meaning of this warning, because these people can't be controlled, they can't be kept in leash and they perfectly know it. Maybe it is a projection? Like real meaning is "I'm going to treat YOU like a dog, and keep YOU in a thight leash, and make sure that YOU will not lead this relationship, and you have no right to complain because I did warn you and you are still here"

Yep my partner said the same thing, oh well you knew I was depressed, you knew I had anger issues, you knew. You wanted to be in a relationship with me. You were warned, if you don't like it there is the ing door. Yep... . it's amazing how they blame you when they are so delusional about their own behaviors and thoughts. He was very sweet in the beginning, I just thought he was hurting because of his failed marriage. WOW, wasn't hurting more like pissed off because his pride had been hurt. Nothing remorseful about what he did AT ALL.

Same as how my ex-bf gives an image of wanting nothing more than eguality and an egual relationship. In reality he would rather die than let it happen . It is all just acting and BS. He knows what kind of person he is and he seems to think that if he just keeps lieing about it, to himself and to the world, he can be BOTH. He can be a nice, gentle guy who everyone loves and he can be "himself" = disordered, powerhungry egocentric misogynist.

Yep we did know and went on with the relationship anyway! The constantly showed us in their behaviour and reactions who they were - we didn't listen - Why?

[viccijo]

Ironmanfalls

I know you are not directing those questions to me but you may as well be! I am intrigued, do you know the answer to these questions because I certainly wish I did!

My first meeting with my udBPDexh was him jumping in as my knight when another guy ( a stranger) was being pretty abusive to me. He would always defend me, no matter what but then he would always treat me way worse than anyone else ever has. I have always had a need to 'save people' and I have no idea why but I know my initial attraction to him was him protecting me. It is all very confusing!

[Ironmanrises]

KHC,

Scary how you were told something so similar. The chaos these relationships produce... . Maddening.

Clearmind,

I am scared to realize that perhaps something in me craved this sort of relationship... . I knowingly let her back in with full knowledge my banishment from it was guaranteed.

What does that say about me? No idea. I just know it makes me feel so very low.

Such an awful feeling.

I knew i couldnt save her, i only wanted her to be happy. Thought my compassion and empathy might shine a beacon of light into the darkness that was within her.

Again, not to save her... . almost like to help guide her.

It had no effect. I lost myself in the process.

And the outcome in the end was like i knew it was going to be.

That she would leave. And that she did.


Viccijo,

Confusing... . Beyond words. I literally shut down trying to make sense of it.

When i think i have made one link... . more questions arise.

I tumble still.

[Clearmind]

Being scared is natural Ironman. There is something in our past that dicated how who we choose as partners.

For me I had a very invalidating childhood and I thought by rescuing a Borderline I would gain value and good girl points - my self worth was very low.

Dig deep - the reasons lie way back - before you met your ex.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi to viccijo

That part you said about your BPD jumping in to protect you from others abusing you, sounds very familiar... Mine was the same, he saw himself as some kind of knight in armour, protecting me from the 'sleaze' in my life, (his word).

Yet again, just like yourself, his behaviour was much worse than I have ever known from any men in my entire life, he was the most abusive man I have ever known...

And I didn't like being around it, and having no choice but to fight. It felt like being chained up and poked with a stick every week for 3.5 years... I was often left with no choice but to fight to save my own life or dignity...

But I learnt a lot about myself, all these years, I thought I deserved the abuse, (cause maybe I am just an argumentative, verbally abusive ***, but NO, I have learnt that I am actually quite a peaceful person, always was, a lover not a fighter... And I guess I can thank loving someone as toxic as him, for that big lesson...

I just kept picking controlling, abusive men, and the universe kept sending them to me until I finally got it...

Pretty powerful lesson for me to learn, but one I will most certainly never make the mistake of again now... I think I might have finally 'learnt the lesson' that the powers that be have been trying to teach me my whole life... Each time I entered into relationships, I thought I had learnt, but I got duped every time... this last dupe will be the last ever...

My blinkers are firmly on forever now... . I only hope this hasn't destroyed me forever... .

Thanks all...

[Ironmanrises]

Clearmind,

Ive always had self esteem issues stemming from my childhood. It has always been low.

Perhaps this the link of why i allowed this to happen.

Another realization i have to come to terms with.

I need to heal.

[Ironmanrises]

Rollercoaster,

I am truly sorry you endured such treatment. Your words literally echo that pain.

[peas]

I knew i couldnt save her, i only wanted her to be happy. Thought my compassion and empathy might shine a beacon of light into the darkness that was within her.

Again, not to save her... . almost like to help guide her.

It had no effect. I lost myself in the process.

I've been reading a lot about people, whether male or female, having this "savior" mechanism that draws them to pwBPD. That wasn't the case for me, I don't think. I'm still working that out, because maybe on some level I have a savior or mothering instinct.

Mostly I was looking to my uBPDbf to save me. He was a bad alcoholic with emotional problems and general life problems of temporary unemployment, unclear professional direction -- i.e., plenty of reasons for me to jump in and save him. But I was never interested in assuming the rescuer/caretaker role. I stuck with him for companionship, bargaining the whole time with his alcoholism and uBPD. I needed to be loved by him and to be there for me. 

I'm glad I typed that because it's the first time I'm expressing that thought and it has really got me thinking. Just as he sucked the life out of me, I probably sucked the life out of him.

[Clearmind]

Clearmind,

Ive always had self esteem issues stemming from my childhood. It has always been low.

Perhaps this the link of why i allowed this to happen.

Another realization i have to come to terms with.

I need to heal.

Could be Ironman! Being emotionally invalidated as kids certainly has a bearing on who we choose as partners.

Being idealized by a Borderline is pretty intoxicating for someone with low self esteem - it feels like we have been accepted by a person like no other. We beleive it fills it a gap - how wrong we were. That gap/void needs to be filled by us first and only then will we choose healthy partners.

In time you will be able to reach back to your childhood and find those invalidating moments and begin to relinquish the shame that has imposed on you as an adult.

Ironman - you and I are not to blame for our ex's behavior however we do need to be accountable to choosing dysfunction - our childhood dictated it - however we are now adults with adult privledges and we need to exercise some emotional maturity and understand our role.

@Peas - I think you are onto something. I know for certain that my ex and I were saving each other - fruitless effort that was. If he was a bad alcoholic - isn't there some cause for your rescuing tendencies to kick in? - "bargaining" with his behaviour maybe verging on enabling. Did you have any alcoholics in your family growing up Peas?

[snappafcw]

You make some amazing points clearmind... . My childhood was very much the same.

I just feel like its an uphill battle thats going to take forever. I've been working on myself and career wise things are the best they have been in years but i still feel pretty worthless I hate feeling like this.

[Clearmind]

I know snapp - I used my CV to provide me with worth. Often with an invalidating childhood we substitute that for over-achieving in areas of career and schooling - academic achievements, checking our pay packets and our yearly employer reviews. I treated those like KPI’s – tick them off one by one and still I was not personally satisfied. KPI's are quantifiable - unlike emotions  . Often partners of Borderlines feel very vulnerable with feeling so find ways to mask them.

Self worth needs to come from within, how you feel about you not what we “do”. It’s the small things – however often our thinking is skewed because its on repeat from what we told as kids.

All I can suggest is to post on Personal Inventory about your upbringing – writing certainly helps to draw out the details. Lots of members find many answers by posting there  .

We need to seek validation from us not from outsiders like a borderline idealizing!

[DeRetour]

We need to seek validation from us not from outsiders like a borderline idealizing!

Yes. Taking a mental snapshot. The trick is internalizing it, fleshing it out into something tangible. Thanks for this thought.