The first clue should have been...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I ponder what or how my life is about to continue with my uBPDw I had time to reflect over this volitile weekend about when I first should have gotten a glimpse of what I was in for. Shouldn't I have seen some sings some somewhere? Maybe she is right and it is all my fault and I am the one making this up? After all my past hasn't been perfect with her. I may have lied to her in order to prevent outbursts that latter turn out to be bigger outburst... learned that leason quick... . no need for advice on that. I got to thinking about 6 months into our marriage is where it seemed to come from at least hats where all the outburst have there origin so I'm told... .

Great so it is my fault. Then yesterday it came to me I was think about the times before we were married. Sure there were times that we argued or fought about something sometimes they seemed silly to me like when we talked on the phone she would tell me that my voice sounds likes its not confident and its to weak and unsure of itself... . ? huh?  Then the whole security blanet even though she is 21 should maybe caused soem sort of  .  Ok so I'm not the smartest but I was commited to making this work. Then I remebered the first major outburst... .

It was 3 weeks or so priot to our wedding. First part of December. My dad had asked me to go up to the cabin for the weekend to get in the last weekend of deer hunting and to help close the cabin up for the year.   This was something we hd been doing for several years. She did not want me to leave.  If you leave don't ever come back. Why do you wan tot leave me. All those sort of things came out. I was only going for a couple days. She tore up our engangement phots and thrpough stuff and was crying and yelling. I don't know why she had to do that. After the first day after she was trying to call my cell phone a number of times. Little to no service in that area. I went to apay phone and called her. She convinced me to come back witht e whole wedding thing we need to plan. I did know what 1 day was going to hurt but I left early. She was still angry whenI got home and said why do you have to leave me to do this stuff.


Then the second thing that should have made me say "What the heck"?  Finacial things were worse than tight and with not having jobs for either of us I joind the Army.  BIG mistake. That type of separation and abondonment feeling  sent her over the moon I was told. She cryied  every single day and would just scream  and not come out of her room according to her parents. They took her to see T where they said she had maybe bipolar and separation anxiety. She was able to on her own call teh Army canget them to send me home while i boot camp. She rose sucha stick that teh comander of the base  pulled me into his office and said get out. I was a pee on in basic training  and she made the Army's lives such a hell that they just said get this guy out so she will leave us alone. I'm sure that not exactly how it went but several of the other drill seagents pulled me aside and said they never see anyone wife ever do what she did. The whoel base was aware of it it seemed.

Yes I should have gotten that clear as a bell. Prety obvious clues I seemed to have missed.

[Cipher13]

As I ponder what or how my life is about to continue with my uBPDw I had time to reflect over this volitile weekend about when I first should have gotten a glimpse of what I was in for. Shouldn't I have seen some sings some somewhere? Maybe she is right and it is all my fault and I am the one making this up? After all my past hasn't been perfect with her. I may have lied to her in order to prevent outbursts that latter turn out to be bigger outburst... learned that leason quick... . no need for advice on that. I got to thinking about 6 months into our marriage is where it seemed to come from at least hats where all the outburst have there origin so I'm told... .

Great so it is my fault. Then yesterday it came to me I was think about the times before we were married. Sure there were times that we argued or fought about something sometimes they seemed silly to me like when we talked on the phone she would tell me that my voice sounds likes its not confident and its to weak and unsure of itself... . ? huh?  Then the whole security blanet even though she is 21 should maybe caused soem sort of  .  Ok so I'm not the smartest but I was commited to making this work. Then I remebered the first major outburst... .

It was 3 weeks or so priot to our wedding. First part of December. My dad had asked me to go up to the cabin for the weekend to get in the last weekend of deer hunting and to help close the cabin up for the year.   This was something we hd been doing for several years. She did not want me to leave.  If you leave don't ever come back. Why do you wan tot leave me. All those sort of things came out. I was only going for a couple days. She tore up our engangement phots and thrpough stuff and was crying and yelling. I don't know why she had to do that. After the first day after she was trying to call my cell phone a number of times. Little to no service in that area. I went to apay phone and called her. She convinced me to come back witht e whole wedding thing we need to plan. I did know what 1 day was going to hurt but I left early. She was still angry whenI got home and said why do you have to leave me to do this stuff.


Then the second thing that should have made me say "What the heck"?  Finacial things were worse than tight and with not having jobs for either of us I joind the Army.  BIG mistake. That type of separation and abondonment feeling  sent her over the moon I was told. She cryied  every single day and would just scream  and not come out of her room according to her parents. They took her to see T where they said she had maybe bipolar and separation anxiety. She was able to on her own call teh Army canget them to send me home while i boot camp. She rose sucha stick that teh comander of the base  pulled me into his office and said get out. I was a pee on in basic training  and she made the Army's lives such a hell that they just said get this guy out so she will leave us alone. I'm sure that not exactly how it went but several of the other drill seagents pulled me aside and said they never see anyone wife ever do what she did. The whoel base was aware of it it seemed.

Yes I should have gotten that clear as a bell. Prety obvious clues I seemed to have missed.

[popeye6031]

Some heavy stuff there Cipher.  At the time she was dong these things, what did you put it down to?

[Cipher13]

Insert Quote

Some heavy stuff there Cipher.  At the time she was dong these things, what did you put it down to?

Situation #1 I assumed she didn't want me to go due to the wedding coming up.

Situation #2 I thought it had to do with her panic and anxiety which I knew she delt with in the past.

It wasn't until 10 years later I found out it is probbaly BPD... . After these situations all her outbursts have been centered on me so I figured it was about that... . then when it never changed over time I began looking into it.  Dang if it took long enough. 

As a result I do not have a family I can talk to or friends I can vent to... . Aside from everyone on this site. Thank you everyone... . Her insecurities about everything are a constant source of anguish.  I moved so many time si can't count. She can't be happy with any jpob she gets for long. She says I need to change my mindset when I don't feel in a good mood but lashed out at me when I pointed that out for her... . "its not the same you cause this".  So when I do put on a good mod front... . "Why are you sao happy what are you hidding".  "I hate that you liek everythign and I get screwed".


Oh the everyday topics of converstion. Music to my ears... .  

I

[popeye6031]

So, you say you have had to move many times and you are alineated from most friends and family?  That is tough!  Talking to people realyl does help a lot.  Chances are that most of your bad moods are cuased by the years of resentment that have built up as a result of the relationship.

[Cipher13]

Yes I would agree to that. I have recently tried to put the first foot forward on getting the ship back on track with friends. I had a co-worker ask to come over to his property to see if I would like to hunt on it as I live only 20 mins away and he is 1-1/2 and can't use it as much as he would like. My W imediately put the cobash to that and said no way. I suggested she go to... . she would maybe but that it spointless becasue then I can't go after work when season starts. She won't let me unless she goes... I said ok weekends... . she wont get up for morning hunts so thats out. I'm still working this angle. I havn't given up. I am not fighting tooth and nail as that just adds fuel to the rage.

Now family... . havn't touched that one yet. I think it will be a source of great turmpoil just brining it up. I could be wrong but some how I don't think I am wrong... .

If it were not for this site I might be completely crazy. Its helped so much. I have a place to vent. I don't hold so much in when I am with my wife now... . Problem is that she sees that I have began to create a small backbone and it sets her off at smaller and smaller things.

[SadWifeofBPD]

My W imediately put the cobash to that and said no way. I suggested she go to... . she would maybe but that it spointless becasue then I can't go after work when season starts. She won't let me unless she goes... I said ok weekends... . she wont get up for morning hunts so thats out

WHY is she calling all the shots?  Aren't you an equal partner in this marriage.  You need to say "no way" sometimes too.  You've given away ALL of your power to the point that you're a child in the relationship with a "child" acting as the parent and leading the way

[Cipher13]

WHY is she calling all the shots?  Aren't you an equal partner in this marriage.  You need to say "no way" sometimes too.  You've given away ALL of your power to the point that you're a child in the relationship with a "child" acting as the parent and leading the way

She calls the shots because she says she can't trust me and until she can she needs that control over me. I have tried to give some leway inthis so she can begin to feel some sort of confidence that what i say is what i end up doing. Example: I am going to store to get a couple things for dinner. I text her that I got to the store, I text her that I am done at the store. I text her that I am on my way home... . That kind of thing is comon. But its starting to show its ugly head as not being enough or that its working.

I have been trying to off suggestions with things liek this were she can go and that allows me to still participate. If a co worker asked if I could come over for an hour to help say move something or unload some wood or soemthing I know if i asked she would say no. If I said I was going to she would have a fit and say no and we would be at it. Even if I was texting her I think it would be an issue.   Going to T tonight to discuss this very topic.  Oh I am fully aware I have let this be the behavior. Now I am trying to do something about it and its a volitile at best situation.

Iwish at soem tiems would take my dads advice when it comes to the small stuff liek this "Its easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission."

[allibaba]

She calls the shots because she says she can't trust me and until she can she needs that control over me. I have tried to give some leway inthis so she can begin to feel some sort of confidence that what i say is what i end up doing. Example: I am going to store to get a couple things for dinner. I text her that I got to the store, I text her that I am done at the store. I text her that I am on my way home... . That kind of thing is comon. But its starting to show its ugly head as not being enough or that its working.

I'm so sorry Cipher13   This seems like such an incredibly painful situation.  She is controlling and abusing you by making you feel guilty.  By the way, I remember you mentioning a while back that she busted you looking at naked ladies on the internet and she has been using this against you for years.  SO WHAT.  I mean SO WHAT that you were looking at ladies on the internet a million years ago.  If its something that you agreed that you wouldn't do anymore then great... . move on.  Don't let her control you because you feel guilty, my friend.

Also... . checking in every 5 seconds (or periodically on a regular basis) is enabling her controlling behavior.  You are actively saying -- its ok to be like this and I condone it.  She's going to look for more and more. 

It sounds like you a desperate for a better life.  You can do it man!  At this point you don't sound very happy with the life that you have.  What is the worst case scenario for you here?  Can you live with it?

Allibaba

[SadWifeofBPD]

She calls the shots because she says she can't trust me and until she can she needs that control over me

Ok... . time to put the Big Boy pants on. 

Don't you see that she'll always say that she can't trust you JUST so she can control you?  She could know 100% that you're not going to misbehave, but she's still going to SAY that she can't trust you just so she can veto any of your plans.

As for your dad's advice, that's true to a point.  However, it's wrong for you to even be thinking that you need her "forgiveness" just to go hunting or wherever.

At some point, you're going to have to tell yourself (and your wife) that you only have ONE LIFE, and you're not going to waste it by only doing things that she allows you to do.  Imagine yourself on your deathbed reflecting on your life... . what will you be thinking?  You'll probably be thinking of all the things you never ever got to do because you weren't given "permission."

[popeye6031]

Totally agree with sadwife.  Her perceived lack of trust in you is just a means to control you.  My fiance accused me on a very regualr basis of cheating on her and kept tabs on everything I was doing throughout the day using viber or whatever.  I just discovered that while she was accusing me she was in fact cheating all along.  Hence, she was just making sure I was fully compliant to her demands while she did what she wanted.  The tables have turned now I tell you.  I have told her I am no longer accepting her controlling, abusive behaviour.  Not heard from her for 5 days now.  And whatever happens, I ain't going back to that relationship, which inevitably means the end of us because she will never change.

So, put the foot down mate.  If this pushes her away, then that is on her, not you. 

[Cipher13]

Ok... . time to put the Big Boy pants on.

Ha so true! Thanks for that one.

As for your dad's advice, that's true to a point.  However, it's wrong for you to even be thinking that you need her "forgiveness" just to go hunting or wherever.

No i understand its to a point. The relationship my parents have is really great. And by quote I was meaning to be be about small things. And by no means hiding them.

I am fully aware of what I am doing to contributeto my own issue here. I may lack the "Big Boy Pants" to carry it out.  She is good with the guilt. That is for sure. We came to the brink of ending the relationship over the weekend... . so go ahead and ask me when she said we should just end it gave me everythign I needed to just go... . I said no as I always do. She has a way to word it that you go along with it then it will be worse than if you don't even though she is giving me what I wanted... . That phrase is"Why don't you just admit it, you wan thtis to end to and you always have. Can't we just end this?"  You might say wht dodn't you just agree and say yes lets end it.  I have always always always said I think we can work this out and I don't want to. The second I admit to it I am then guilty again of lying and cheating and all that stuff.

I can't handle that. I was close so sloce this time though. 1 comment she made this weekend that I nearly got in the car and left. She said I wish you would go some place and die.  Now this is the second time in a month or 2 that she wished I would just not come home due to dying... . You know that should probably hurt... . It didn't. I think thats bad when she says that and I don't even feel hurt by it. I tred to make a bg deal by demanding an apology... . Never got one. Yet I waspolite by responding to a lady's question about the bike trail and she demanded an apology for being nice to a stranger and mean to her. I said I am still waitign form my apology about wanting me to be dead. She claims she gave it me.

[sunnywind]

they are like a dog from a dogs home,looks ok and a joy at first but just when you relax they come at you and bite .  no matter how much you try to be kind it wont work.

    you will never regret leaving a BPD in my opinion , longer you delay more your self esteem will suffer

if they accuse you of lying,cheating ,stealing etc  you can bet that they are doing whatever it is they are accusing you of-and doing it right now

[Cipher13]

I am hoping I have set in place what will determine if I am going to stay or if there is no hope to stay.  Went to 2nd T apt last night and I think I have made it clear to what is really going on. T said the last time we had a joint session she thought there might be more to the situation than my wife was lettign her know. As at that time instead of taking what my wife was saying and turning to me and saying you shoul ddo x then y then z becasue for what your wife is telling me... No instead she said your husband may need x, or y, or z from you.  That did seem to help. By letting T know that she said good then maybe we are on the right track here. I wasn't completely sure at first.

I have the support of bpdfamily on this site to help with me. I have my parents (via email only for now) doing the same and now 2 separate T that have all have brought up such similar suggestions for me that I know that I am on the right track. I know I can confidently keep my self healthy and get better about what I can and can't do, along with what I should and should not do.

However I am not so blind that I don't ecpect thing sto get a whole lot worse before it gets better. The only other piece I wonder if I should bring on board is  my wifes parents. I know they see to a certain extent of the things she does and the struggles she has gone through and is going through. Right now I do not require there support but it would be good to know they are aware of this. So I am debating that to a small extent... . Any thoughts?