Broken hearted, but why?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, looks like the leaving board is my friend now. UBPDh is divorcing me. He said God gives permission with abuse. I threw a folder at him, yes a big folder, I snapped and I was wrong. He pushed me too far. I tried and tried to go to bed and ignore the dysregulation but he just kept on and kept on. My D9 was puking and sick, had stressful day at work and dealing with his constant dysregulation anymore pushed me to my breaking point. Here's the details if the fight.

He came in and took my phone and started checking it because my best friend across the street was outside and didnt respond to him and he thought I told her bad stuff about him. (Of course he tells me this later, not at the moment). So I told him its ridiculous he's checking my phone. I've done nothing wrong, every time he's out later than he's supposed to be he does this and maybe I should be the one worried.So then he doesn't find anything and still starts in on me about how he's going to change and be the old Playboy single jerk he used to be and he will come and go as he pleases and even though we are married he's not going to act like it. He said very mean things and considering I'd done nothing wrong I was baffled and I tried to ignore it so I went to bed in the spare room and tried and tried to ignore him.He just kept coming in and being hateful and over and over and over he did it. I finally got up and tried to figure out why he felt dysregulated with me since it wasn't me and that's when I found out about my friend and then the fight he got into woth my exhusband sunday and work and etc. then he started in on me again and I thought he'd been drinking so I tossed one beer on the floor (he claims I threw it, too but I didn't, he wasn't even in the kitchen).Then after he cleaned it up he syarted again so I tried to dump his other beer and he got mad and threw a cup hard enough to break dishes in the sink and I said that was uncalled for and he started yelling and I snapped. I couldn't take anymore. I saw his folder on the counter and I picked it up and threw it at him. It hit his shoulder. He then took a glass and threw it at the wall and it shattered. After that he decided to divorce me. No matter how I apologize for throwing the folder at him, he doesn't realize his part. Yes, I was wrong. He accuses me of verbally abusing him when mostly I keep my mouth shut because it makes things worse to talk and he tells me to shut my f'ing mouth. He seems to have issues with my ex lately. I'm not sure why. Off and on he's made comments about me still wanting him -furthest thing from truth- but lately is way beyond that. Why?

You'd think by now I'd be ok with him leaving... . I'm not. My heart is broken like when my mom died. I was partly wrong this time in my actions. I've never done anything like that. I just found myself so full of confusion and sadness and hurt and rage... . any advice?

[wishfulthinking]

Well, looks like the leaving board is my friend now. UBPDh is divorcing me. He said God gives permission with abuse. I threw a folder at him, yes a big folder, I snapped and I was wrong. He pushed me too far. I tried and tried to go to bed and ignore the dysregulation but he just kept on and kept on. My D9 was puking and sick, had stressful day at work and dealing with his constant dysregulation anymore pushed me to my breaking point. Here's the details if the fight.

He came in and took my phone and started checking it because my best friend across the street was outside and didnt respond to him and he thought I told her bad stuff about him. (Of course he tells me this later, not at the moment). So I told him its ridiculous he's checking my phone. I've done nothing wrong, every time he's out later than he's supposed to be he does this and maybe I should be the one worried.So then he doesn't find anything and still starts in on me about how he's going to change and be the old Playboy single jerk he used to be and he will come and go as he pleases and even though we are married he's not going to act like it. He said very mean things and considering I'd done nothing wrong I was baffled and I tried to ignore it so I went to bed in the spare room and tried and tried to ignore him.He just kept coming in and being hateful and over and over and over he did it. I finally got up and tried to figure out why he felt dysregulated with me since it wasn't me and that's when I found out about my friend and then the fight he got into woth my exhusband sunday and work and etc. then he started in on me again and I thought he'd been drinking so I tossed one beer on the floor (he claims I threw it, too but I didn't, he wasn't even in the kitchen).Then after he cleaned it up he syarted again so I tried to dump his other beer and he got mad and threw a cup hard enough to break dishes in the sink and I said that was uncalled for and he started yelling and I snapped. I couldn't take anymore. I saw his folder on the counter and I picked it up and threw it at him. It hit his shoulder. He then took a glass and threw it at the wall and it shattered. After that he decided to divorce me. No matter how I apologize for throwing the folder at him, he doesn't realize his part. Yes, I was wrong. He accuses me of verbally abusing him when mostly I keep my mouth shut because it makes things worse to talk and he tells me to shut my f'ing mouth. He seems to have issues with my ex lately. I'm not sure why. Off and on he's made comments about me still wanting him -furthest thing from truth- but lately is way beyond that. Why?

You'd think by now I'd be ok with him leaving... . I'm not. My heart is broken like when my mom died. I was partly wrong this time in my actions. I've never done anything like that. I just found myself so full of confusion and sadness and hurt and rage... . any advice?

[Surnia]

lostinparadise

a big big 

for the confusion, the sadness, the anger

Can you take some deep, deep breaths?

My first thought was: Does he mean it serious with the divorce? If yes, you will going through very rough times and you will be better later. If not, there is the risk that you are going through hell, bc things are spiraling down. There is a dynamic which is scaring me. From both sides.

I hope I am not too direct.

What about your daughter? I reread your first post. Seems that he does not like her... .

How are your situation right now? Are you both in the same house? Are you and your daughter safe?

Please stay in touch, LostIP!

[wishfulthinking]

Surnia,

I honestly don't recognize myself anymore. I've NEVER been to that point emotionally. I feel ashamed, confused, sad, hopeless, helpless... .

My daughter and I are safe I believe. We are in the same house. UBPDh has been in and out and going over and over what happened and that he is filing for divorce over my abuse of him. I agree I was out of line. Not to downplay it, but it was a folder. I didn't actually touch him. I reminded him he's grabbed me hard enough to leave bruises but I didn't go on and on about it, but of course then I'm just bringing up the past and that's not fair.

Bottom line, I was wrong with my actions. But as I just got done cleaning up two different broken glasses in two different spots, I'm finding it hard not to compare, which is wrong of me, too.

He keeps yapping at me about how everyone disrespects him and treats him badly and thinks badly of him. I'm not the one that does, tho. He even admitted lady night I did nothing wrong but he was still cussing me out, calling me names, telling me how he'll do what he wants, etc. was horrible in the things he said. Horrible. He downplays how those names and words affect.

I told him that hurts me down to my very soul to be talked to like that esp when I didn't do anything. He told me its just words. Last stop in he did admit he said things he shouldn't have said, but I still think he's dying to leave and this is his excuse.

What am I missing? If anything? I don't talk to him like that. I go above and beyond to prove my love and he never sees it. I'm lost. Thank you for responding.

[Learning_curve74]

Big hug to you lostinparadise. 

It's natural to feel confused, sad, helpless and all those other feelings. Anybody who gets married has to have dreams of a long happy future together, and to see that dream slowly disappearing hurts. It's like a death, you said your heart is broken like when your mom died. But there's not that finality of never seeing the deceased again that pushes us to the final acceptance. It's tough to deal when things are uncertain.

Ask yourself what you want and also what you need.

Hopefully it will not escalate, but you should think of a plan if things get more physical. Take care of yourself and your daughter.

[wishfulthinking]

UBPDh is barely talking to me. Said wants everyone out of the living room so I'm in the guest room where I'll be sleeping and my D9 is drawing in her room. I'm just staying clear. My wrist hurts where he grabbed it last night but I have no room due to my throwing the folder at him. I am not looking for sympathy so I bring this up again because I just can't believe I hit that point. I can't fathom my emotions at that time. Is that what they feel constantly? I try my best to let him dysregulated without interruption, I don't know why I didn't just hide. He really struck a nerve. I couldn't stop myself and immediately I knew I'd crossed a line is never known before. I'll never let that happen again.

[Surnia]

Lostinparadise

I try my best to let him dysregulated without interruption, I don't know why I didn't just hide.

I agree with you, you were too long under his pressure, the yelling and blaming. I am not telling this to condemn you about the folder. When things get heated, leave the room, don't try to argue. Phone with you, keys, and change room, but only a room with exit.

And now he is punishing you bc of the folder... . it must be horrible for you. Do you have somebody near you you could go for a while with your daughter? Family, friends?

[aloha1983]

Wow, firstly big hugs and thinking of you.

Your situation sounds awful. I really hope you and your daughter are safe.

Being under the pressure and constant abuse from someone with BPD can make us act in ways we normally wouldn't. We are walking on eggshells and constantly anxious, and it's not unreasonable that you would snap and throw a folder if you were very hurt and feeling threatened.

However, you throwing a folder does not cancel out the years of pain and suffering, confusion and loss of identity you cop when you are with someone with BPD. He is accusing you of abuse when he constantly does the same. Words can be just as painful as fists.

If he is wanting to leave then as much as it breaks your heart perhaps you should let him, if only to keep you and your daughter safe. I know it's much easier said than done... . you will be heartbroken and you will need to take everything one day at a time. Look after you.

Have you got a therapist you can see? They can support you whether you stay with your partner or not.

Please know that you are precious and cared for by all of us on here.

[Lady31]

Hey Lost - I HAD to reply to your post when I read it.  I can relate to your dynamic as my exH (as of about 1 1/2 weeks go) played that sick, manipulative game with me.  The twisting is very similar.

Other's may have a different take on this, but I don't care, so here goes... .  The folder - OH WELL!  That's what I say to that.  This man is abusive as all get out on so many levels.  Should you have thrown it, uh - no.  Is it so big a deal that he can run around terming the word "abuse" towards you?  HECK NO.

What you have to realize is that he is living in a different reality than you.  When you engage to try to rationalize and see a more fair and balanced view of what happened to try to come to some closure on an issue - HE IS OPERATING FROM A DIFFERENT PLACE.

His goal in discussing what went down or what's wrong with "you", or WHATEVER he's raging about at the moment is NOT to try to COMMUNICATE and SOLVE ANYTHING.  NOTHING.  That is YOUR goal when you get pulled into his crazy world and you start discussing, arguing or whatever you want to call it.  You will NEVER "win" as even though he SEES & HEARS what you are saying and knows you are right, HE DOESN'T CARE.  He doesn't want to RESOLVE it.  He wants what is called "Power Over" - power over YOU.  

Look at all his disgusting behavior and abuse.  Now this is an attempt to make you the bad guy when HE IS THE BAD GUY.  SO WHAT!

Now I agree with not letting yourself get to that point and all that... . I get it.  However, if you look at the core aspects of an abuser - they do things to hurt/punish/get power, etc.  For example - the motivations behind their tactics of abuse are to create fear, intimidation, make you feel mentally unstable, or hurt you emotionally or physically, etc.  For instance - the types of things he says to hurt you, the mannerisms or behavior meant to arouse physical intimidation or fear of harm, etc.  Throwing a folder does not exhibit any of this, I'm sure if it was a hammer you would NOT have picked it up and thrown it even though you lost your temper.  Think about that for a second. So yes it's wrong, but let's put it in it's proper place.  You're right, COMPARING his attitudes and behaviors - it is NOT apples to apples my love.

Anyway - this is all going to be his "leverage" now - which actually btw the Bible does NOT give him permission to divorce you based on the fact that you threw a folder at him - LOLOLOLOL, throw me a friggin' bone! (Just don't hit me with it.)

Now notice his constant manipulation and mind games throwing this in your face and hyper focusing on this and taking it all to the extreme of divorce based on this.  THIS IS NOT HOW NORMAL PEOPLE BEHAVE.

If you look at this objectively (his latest and greatest) it is seriously manipulative and meant to mess with your mental stability.  The next time he started trying to make some big drama and talk about the DEMISE OF THE MARRIAGE – DOOM, DOOM, DOOM – ALL BECAUSE OF YOU THROWING THIS FOLDER IN HORRIBLE ABUSE TOWARD ME – This is what I would do:

LITERALLY laugh out loud.  Then say either one of two things:

A.) Wow – you’re serious. (Like you are absolutely astonished and concerned for HIS mental well being.) I’ve got an errand to run, I will be home shortly.  (Then just leave.)

OR

B.) All this over a folder? I obviously have more of a backbone than you with all the abuse I been able to tolerate over the years.  Maybe you should try growing a pair.  (Then just leave.)

OK – I know this probably isn’t conducive to what they tell you on these boards - only tell him off and get it out when he's not around.  But seriously – when he starts in on this ridiculousness, just shut it down.  Let him talk to the air about the divorce and how it’s all your fault.  I would no longer entertain any of these discussions, as in, leave and don’t be present for them.

Don't allow him to make you wear a false label.  That should actually be pinned on his lapel, not yours.

Too bad you couldn’t pick up the whole file cabinet – .  Ok, that is a joke too.  Sort of.

[wishfulthinking]

Thank you all for your viewpoints.  It's been a hard couple of days.  I'm an awful selfish person who never shows love and he does everything to show his love to me and treats me like a queen.  He's been very hateful when around when he's not ignoring me.  I have no idea what's going on, just waiting it out.  Though I'm not perfect and he brings up a couple of things that have hurt him that I could have done better, I don't believe I should be vilified to that degree and he could have said something long ago about it and not made me guess.  I don't do hints.  I'm logical and need stuff stated.  He is very creative and wordy, and he picks up things most people don't.  He doesn't understand that the position of a pen doesn't mean anything to most people and NO, they aren't going to notice if you changed the direction of it by the notepad.

Anyway,  he's mad because he moved into my house that I've had for 11 years and he's not brought anything but a couch to the upstairs part.  The rest is downstairs sitting.  I've told him many times he can bring up and incorporate anything he wants.  he always says to wait because he is going to start remodeling soon.  It's always soon and nothing is done yet.  Been 3 months.  He said I could have brought things up and jsut started asking because he works so hard and never has time... . yeah, for the past month and a half you've been working, before that you slept all day and did nothing, but you couldn't have done it then?  I didn't say that, though I thought it.

He said very hateful things last night, accused me of F'ing around.  I walked away to go to the bathroom after one of his put downs and he followed me in there and told me I would regret it.  Ummm... . regret going to the bathroom?  I already regret not kowing you were psycho before I fell for you.  He is so very hateful and full of vile.  I don't know how people can live with such hate.  I had an AWFUL childhood, filled with violence, drugs, alcohol, being left alone at night, etc... . but I just make choices to do better for my child and life.

Lady31, you are awesome, you made me laugh and I needed that.  I used to be pretty fun and funny but he gets mad about so many things.  I was quiet last night with him and he said... . what happened to us talking, you never talk anymore... . well, I'm tired of being wrong and belittled whenever I do!

[Surnia]

Hi lostinparadise

It must be really hard, being with him in the same house with all the hate and blame.

Yes, you are waiting it out. What about thinking about other options?

Beside the constant stress things can easily get heated again.

What about working with a therapiste? Do you ever considered this or do you have one?

[wishfulthinking]

I was going to see a therapist before, as my employer offers 6 visits free to start.  When uBPDh found out, he flipped out.  He fully believes God can fix all and all I need is the bible. I believe God gives us helpers in this life.  But his wrath was horrible, so I didn't go.

I'm not even sure how to act right now around him.  Do I be happy or just not talk or what?  I certainly don't want raged at anymore.

[aloha1983]

I was so sorry to read that you think you are an awful selfish person uncapable of showing love. No matter what happened in your past, you deserve kindness and a real relationship.

Him 'constantly showing his love' does not mean the abuse, the constant up and down (which can seem as if it's because their 'love' is so intense it tears them up) and so on.

This is not a healthy relationship and I'm so sorry he makes you feel this way.

Is there a therapist you can go and see, to at least start building up your self confidence again?

[Lady31]

aloha,

I'm think lost was saying her husband is saying that about her, not that she thinks that about herself.

[Surnia]

lostinparadise

Sounds that he does all to keep you under his control  :'(

I asked about the T bc I think you need support around you and yes, build up your self esteem.

Or what about reaching out to a help desk for Domestic violence?

[SadWifeofBPD]

I've NEVER been to that point emotionally

Believe me, many of us have "been there".   We're like cornered animals.  They follow us and taunt us and call us names.  They won't stop.  They'll even wake us up to keep on raging.  If we walk out, they call our phones demanding responses.

Years ago, when H was raging and wouldn't leave me alone, I snapped and threw water on him from a nearby cup.  H has NEVER forgotten that even tho he's done ten times worse things over and over again.  So, I've never done that again because I don't want to give him any ammunition. 

Since this is YOUR home, does he plan on leaving? 

[wishfulthinking]

Yes, those were things he said about me. Everyone looks out for themselves but I'm hardly selfish. I've been burned more times than I can count due to being to giving and loving. This marriage is now full of those times.

He does keep me awake. I tried so hard that night to hide in bed but he kept coming at me over and over. I'm only not exhausted right now because we've barely spoken in 2 days and not touched each other at all.

Part of me is relieved and part if me is sad.

[SadWifeofBPD]

 


It's so unfair, I know.  Here he's telling you that it's ok to divorce you because the bible allows divorce for abuse, yet YOU'RE the one who could have made that claim a million times.  I probably would not have been able to resist saying, "You're right, the bible allows a person to divorce their spouse for being abusive, that's why I'm divorcing YOU... . on those exact grounds for the many, many times you have been abusive."   But, it sounds like you're more restrained than I am in those situations. 

Anyway, if it's your home, I would tell him to get the heck out.  this will serve a purpose.  IF he's serious about the divorce, then you'll want him out anyway just to have peace in the home.  If he's not, you're calling his bluff. 

H used to do that thing of coming in the bedroom over and over to keep me awake (screaming: If I can't sleep because I'm upset then you can't either!).  Finally, I contacted his T and told him what he was doing and the T ordered him to stop doing that, so he stopped.  He used to also block my car to prevent me from leaving and his T ordered him to stop doing that, too.   (Heck, I need his T to order him to stop doing a lot of things.  )

[wishfulthinking]

I just pulled up my bank stuff online and he wrote 2 checks on my account.  He must have taken them out of my drawer because they are numbers I haven't gotten to yet.  He overdrafted me $200 and I haven't even been able to make my trash bill or car payment yet.  How can he be so selfish?  He accuses me of being selfish and he does things like this?  I am so far beyond livid right now.  I don't know how to let him have it without him rationalizing something about my throwing that stupid folder at him.  Now I'm wishing it were something harder and bigger!  AAARRRGGGHHHH!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Are you saying that he signed YOUR name on those checks?  Is he on that acct? 

If he signed your name and/or isn't on that acct, you need to call your bank and have them put that money BACK.  It can be done.  then wherever he wrote those checks to will lose that money.

You need to be strong. 

[wishfulthinking]

He did electronic checks, so there is no signature.  I told the bank he's not auth on my account and they said I'd have to press charges to have anything done.  They did waive the overdraft fee, but they won't waive any more.  I haven't been overdrawn since my last husband (who I now suspect was also BPD, but silent treatment instead of rages) 5 years ago.

[wishfulthinking]

In my head, my vision is to go rip up all remaining checks and use the shreds to spell out F.U.C.K. O.F.F. on the floor... . sorry if that offends anyone.  I don't even cuss that much... . I have to be furious, which I am right now.  I literally got off the phone with the bank 4 minutes ago.

[Surnia]

Lostinparadise

I would be angry too!

Is there more financial damage he can do to you?

[SadWifeofBPD]

electronic checks

It doesn't matter that he used electronic checks.  You can call the bank and tell them that you didn't make or authorize those electronic checks and you can demand that the money be put back. 

My H did this last year and I had the money put back.  The bank is req'd to do that.  Otherwise, ANYONE could take the routing numbers and acct numbers from your checks and use them electronically.   

I would call the bank back and insist that the money be put back.  You may have to sign something saying that you didn't authorize or make those payments... . I have done this.  it's not a big deal - banks are used to doing this.   

[wishfulthinking]

When I told the bank that these were unauthorized charges by someone that is not authorized to sign on my account, they said the only way they could do that is if I filed charges with the police, as well... . because I knew who did it.  Otherwise, they investigate the fraud, but they also get the police involved.  I don't feel like pressing charges RIGHT NOW, but I may depending on what reaction I get from him.  I asked the bank guy if I could block any future checks and he said only if I have the numbers and it's $15 to stop each individual check. REALLY?  That is crazy.  I feel stuck.

I may call on my lunch and talk to a supervisor, see if they will honor the funds like you said.

There isn't much more damage as I've blocked all overdraft access and anything not covered will be declined.  I get paid tomorrow, though... . so who knows... . my house payment comes from this check, though, so he'd better not mess it up.

I thought about texting this to him:

I know I was more than wrong with my reaction the other night and I regret it more than anything I've ever regretted. I know I do things that don't put you first or genuinely try to make a decision i think you'd want but chose wrong, or I don't think and I end up being self entered because of this. I DON'T do these things intentionally knowing they will hurt you. You cashed checks for yourself, knowing I was almost 300 behind on bills because I told you last week. I told you I would be over drafted when dish hit my account and its automatic. You still CHOSE to put those checks through anyway. Checks I didn't know were gone. You DELIBERATELY kept this from me. You HAD the money for your phone and you had the money I returned to you the other night. You keep making digs and comments about me wanting money and I rarely say anything unless I'm giving you an update on my side of things. I have nothing more to say. I'll be at SS10's practice tonight for him. No need to respond. I guess we are a little closer to even since I feel like I've been punched in the gut. Again.

[Surnia]

Lostinparadise

That he took your checks has nothing to do with the folder. I would not mix it together.

What is the intention behind your text?

[wishfulthinking]

I know they are not related, but he will bring up my actions to try to deflect his wrongdoing.

My text is to tell him that I know I'm far from perfect, all the things he accuses me of, I might as well say them before he does, as that's what he'll come back with if I don't... . but to call him out on him DELIBERATELY taking from an account that's not his when he KNOWS I don't have it... .

How should I approach?

[SadWifeofBPD]

Are you in the US?  If so, just demand that they put that money back and they can do their own investigation.  I doubt that they'll do much. 

What did he do... . did he pay a bill with those checks or did he cash them in some way at a store or something.  What did he do?

[Surnia]

I know they are not related, but he will bring up my actions to try to deflect his wrongdoing.

Yes, probably. So no need to say it for him and first... .

You want to call him out. Thats probably what he wants. He did something and now you are texting which gives him a possibility to fight with you or blame you... .

I would not text him anything.

[wishfulthinking]

So, how do I handle this? He was wrong and needs to know it.  He hurt me and needs to know it.  He shouldn't get away with this or being off scott free on any repercusions.  At this point, he's ready to leave and maybe looking for a concrete reason, so maybe this is it.  It's almost as if he doesn't fear abandonment at all.  If not for the fact that he hits every other single piece of criteria and my story is the same as so many others on here, I would think he didn't care at all if he lost me.

I'm trying to be rude or disrespectful to any of this, I'm so far beyond frustrated, angry, and hurt.  I just am at the end of my rope.  I'm so lost and have no idea what to do or where even to start.  I've been working on the tools and it's helped, but he constantly pushes.

Yes, I'm in the US... . I'll call the bank again.

[SadWifeofBPD]

So, how do I handle this? He was wrong and needs to know it.  He hurt me and needs to know it.  He shouldn't get away with this or being off scott free on any repercusions.  At this point, he's ready to leave and maybe looking for a concrete reason, so maybe this is it.  It's almost as if he doesn't fear abandonment at all.  If not for the fact that he hits every other single piece of criteria and my story is the same as so many others on here, I would think he didn't care at all if he lost me.

I'm trying to be rude or disrespectful to any of this, I'm so far beyond frustrated, angry, and hurt.  I just am at the end of my rope.  I'm so lost and have no idea what to do or where even to start.  I've been working on the tools and it's helped, but he constantly pushes.

Yes, I'm in the US... . I'll call the bank again.

Yes, I would call the bank and demand that they put that money back since you never authorized those e-checks.  Insist on talking to the bank manager and go higher if heeded.  If they need you to sign an affadavit stating that you didn't authorize those checks then do so. 

Were those e-checks for cash or did he pay something with those checks? 


"It's almost as if he doesn't fear abandonment at all" 

When they're acting this way, they're "above fear" in some ways.  They think they're in control with all of their huffing and puffing.