Parenting, BPD, alcoholism, and why they still contact us

[confusedhubby]

My diagnosed BPD wife and I are going through a divorce. She is a serious alcoholic (drinks about .5 to 1 liter of vodka a day). I also believe she has developed a serious drug problem. We have two girls (age 7 & 8). Her drinking is so bad she has had two convictions for child neglect in last 4 years and Child Welfare Department has removed the children from her custody. I have sole custody and se can only have supervised visitation with me having to approve the supervisor. Last time she saw kids she was caught sneaking sips from vodka hidden in a water bottle. Her drinking is so bad that we have had to end evening calls with the kids as she has called drunk and incoherent in the past.

I had been trying for quite some time to try and help her and reunite our family. About 6 weeks ago she informed me that she had to "go and find herself so she could be there for the children one day in the future". What this meant was that she was leaving us for good. I was devastated at the news! Since then she has met someone and fallen in love in 2 weeks. He moved in on week 3. Now she is calling and saying that she wants to see the children, wants to be able to talk to them etc. All of her actions however seem to indicate that she is just so smitten by this new man (and her continued drinking) that she has no time for the kids.  For example: she spends all of her money buying expensive gifts on him (no support for the children whatsoever), she has missed seeing kids in the past to go out drinking with him and other men, promises made to the children are broken, lies to kids as to why she cannot see them (ie claims that she has a doctors appointment at 9 PM in the evening) etc. All of this has had a tremendous negative effect on my girls.

I am also wondering if she is still contacting me in an attempt to recycle (either consciously or subconsciously)?

I am trying to understand what is going on so I can make an informed decision as to what inputs I should let her have in our kids lives. 

[DreamGirl]

I'm so sorry confusedhubby... .  

I think the supervised visitation is a good solution for everyone right now.

She's gotta want recovery for herself. The girls have to understand that she has to want it for herself and nothing they do affects her decision. This is on her. Not them.

Have you considered Al-anon or other program of the sort? A therapist for the girls? For you?

How often does she see them? For how long? Any constistency at all?

Are there any conditions for her? Rehab? Counseling?

[Matt]

Have you considered Al-anon or other program of the sort? A therapist for the girls? For you?

Where I live, Al-Anon has lots of meetings for adults but none for kids.  I don't think it would hurt the kids to go with you to an Al-Anon meeting, but it's probably not a good fit for them.

But it is super-important to help them learn about addiction and recovery, and you probably can't do that by yourself.  A counselor for them - or for all of you together - someone with good knowledge and experience with substance abuse issues, is probably best.

I bet you can find some good books to help kids understand addiction too - I would suggest one if I knew of one.

My adult son began drinking at 12, drugs in high school, never sober for 15 years, but now after rehab he's been clean and sober 4 1/2 years.  With the right help it can happen, but not til your ex decides to do it, and it sounds like she hasn't made that decision.  It could be a long time before she gets help, if ever.  The kids will need a lot of help to deal with it.

And DreamGirl is right to suggest help for you too.  Al-Anon is great, and free.  I had a counselor for myself for a few years and that helped me a lot too.

[LynnieRe]

similar situation.  exBPD cycles in and out of our lives on a steady basis.  Is in the process of leaving again.  Either he's all friendly and over thehouse working on things and being supportive father, or he is just gone.  my daughter, who shows signs of BPD mostly related to her father's frequent abandonment, absolutely cannot stand him, and cries herself to sleep because no matter what she does she can't please him.  Whenever he gets a GF, all of his kids (he has another ex with kids) are just an inconvenience to him.  MY daughter, in particular, is treated like she has leprosy.  Casey and I are never to be involved in his life, he only takes her to social events when he wants to parade her around like a show pony.  "Look I'm reconciled with my daughter"

And God forbid I ever introduce myself to anyone in his life. 

[LynnieRe]

They call us or use us when they need something.  validation that they're ok, public display of their sudden return to mental health, nursing care, or the appearance of a "family" unit.  The minute we've fulfilled our role for that interval, they're done with us. 

[LynnieRe]

confused hubby:  see if the kids' school has some sort of counseling.  Many schools do.  If not, see if a kid's club.  Like a big brother/big sister thing.  If supervised visitation is needed, and it's hard to find an objective family member, get a social worker or guardian ad litem (spelling) appointed.  Many churches have Celebrate Recovery, it's a church version of AA (very similar) and they have kid's clubs.  They need a woman who can mentor.  If you have a stable relationship, and you have a stable household, that's the ticket.  I know a BPD with boys who have bonded with their step dad and although they see their dad, they know they have a stable place without him.  I know I posted 3 times here, but I'm finally thinking clearer and thought I'd pass along what I've used and seen in my own life.  thanks for allowing me to rant a little.