Dreading 10 year anniversary this weekend

[Evalon]

Our 10 year anniversary is this Saturday.  I am dreading it.  Depending on the day, my husband switches between blaming tirades and gushing about how wonderful and loved I am.  The dysregulated episodes are becoming more frequent lately and he seems to be less remorseful about them afterwards.  Instead, he brushes them aside and acts as if we had a small disagreement or as if he is forgiving ME for treating HIM badly.  His treatment of me feels abusive and it has become unbearable.  I get scared when I hear the garage door open at night when he comes home from work.

Nevertheless, I am sure my husband is going to try to pretend we have a loving relationship and "celebrate" somehow on Saturday, especially since he forgot our anniversary last year.  However, every conversation we have had over the last week has turned into him blaming me for something and storming off yelling at me about how bad I treat him etc. I am scared of interacting with him.

Any advice on how to handle it?  Thank you.

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[nevaeh]

When H asks what I want to do for our anniversary (we are coming up on #18) I either suggest a movie or suggest we take the kids out to dinner.  I don't like spending time with him, especially alone, and I certainly don't feel like celebrating our marriage. 

On our 10th anniversary, H was in Iraq cheating on me while on active duty.  Ironically, the woman he was cheating on me with ALSO had the same anniversary with HER husband... .  so I remember H telling me that he got her flowers "since her H couldn't send anything overseas" and they went out to dinner.  I had no idea they were having an affair at the time so when I found out about the affair after he got home 3 months later it basically ruined our anniversary for me.  I hate celebrating our anniversary.  I don't buy cards and I don't ask for gifts.   

I know how you feel... .  if you go out with him for your anniversary you never know which husband you'll get.  Sometimes I would just tell him that I would think about what I wanted to do and then depending on his mental state when it came to the time/evening when we would be doing something then I would make a suggestion.  I have found that when you make plans too far in advance, then if H becomes unstable then it's hard to get out of the plans because then he gets more mad.  Catch 22 because you don't want to spend the evening with someone you can't stand at the moment but also don't want to make the situation worse by cancelling plans.

Our 18th anniversary is coming up in November.  I am hoping to separate around that time so I'm thinking about whether I do it before or after anniversary. 

Keep us posted on how it goes for you.

[briefcase]

When times are tough in the relationship, anniversaries can be more bitter than sweet.  Mixed feelings about anniversaries aren't uncommon here. 

I suggest you prepare for a good day by having a card and small, thoughful gift ready in case it is a good day and you feel like celebrating.  Ten years is a milestone anniversary, even if those years, in some ways, have been long ones.  I hope you have a happy anniversary, and make the best of your day.   

[AnitaL]

I sympathize with the difficulties you're facing.  My 14 yr anniversary is tomorrow with my uBPDh, and I am struggling too.  He rarely wants to celebrates anniversary or birthdays -- I can't remember the last time I got a card or gift for an occasion.  Usually I try to plan something simple (and as was already said, not too far in advance).  However, this year I am the one not in the mood for celebrating due to my H's telling me last week while he was dysregulated that our anniversary is a reminder of the worst day of his life, the day he made the worst decision ever, and he doesn't want to do anything to mark it.  I knew he'd probably want to pretend later that he didn't say this or that I should ignore it because he didn't mean it.  Sure enough, a few minutes ago he said, "Hey, isn't our anniversary today?".  My only response was, "No, it's tomorrow."  If he brings it up again, my plan is to point out what he said last week, that it was hurtful, and that I don't feel much like celebrating.  I let so many comments like these just slide off because I know he was dysregulated while saying them, but this time I feel like he should be reminded that his words do have consequences.  He probably won't care much one way or the other, but I don't really feel in a celebratory mood so it's just as well.

I think if it makes you feel good to give a card/gift, to mark the date in a way you enjoy, then you should go for it.  Then, always make a backup plan to have a nice time for yourself in case he is not in a place to enjoy it with you.  You could also try to write an honest message on the card that acknowledges the difficulties you've been facing rather than glossing over his treatment of you.  It's not easy, so just try to take care of yourself as much as you can.

[Foreverhopefull]

I used to dread anniversaries and special occasions too.

Then I changed my way of facing them... . I say "Happy anniversary. I'm happy we are together to enjoy this day and be thankful for the last XX years together." and leave at that. No expectations, no stress for anything and we "wing it".

Since I started doing this, the stress levels for both of us has been lower and neither of us dread them.

I had to do this for myself foremost, I was spending all special occasions crying more than celebrating.

For the first time in many years (5+), dBPDh and I sat in a restaurant and ate together a month after our anniversary and he brought it up. Of course he teased that he brought me to Dairy Queen for burgers and shakes for our 11th (19th of being a couple)anniversary, but we enjoyed it.

My thoughts are : "We have enough to worry about, we don't need to add stress where there isn't any need for it."

Hope it turns out better than you expect it.