canceling appointments & using the kids to harass me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm sure I'm not the first to deal with this.

Hubby is in a major dysregulation period.  He sends me texts all day saying he has urgent questions about the kids.  He finds various ways to harass me, but he doesn't (usually) send nasty texts or call me names, so he could someday make the case that he had legitimate concerns.  He asks the same questions over and over just to get my attention.  It's part of the disorder and eventually it will stop (after days, weeks, who knows... . ), but it creates a situation in which I can barely work or take care of the kids due to constant texts and calls.

More scary, he vindictively canceled a doctor's appointment this week that I have been waiting to take one of the kids to, saying he doesn't need it (even though he agreed before).  (This may sound familiar, as he did this last month too, but this appointment is more necessary).  I can't get it back any time soon because the doc is a specialist.  Also, the receptionist seemed pissed about the fact that I kept confirming the appointment with her and he kept canceling and rescheduling.  What do you do about someone putting receptionists in the middle of these things, and scaring away all of your kids' providers?  I can't ask them to refuse to listen to him.  They aren't part of this.

If I make another appointment and take our kids, over his objections, he will use this to someday do something that *I* didn't approve of, and say, "Well, you took him to the doctor over my objections."

I am going to talk to my lawyer.  My options seem to be:  Restraining order (but for what?), go to court (but he lies and says *I* changed the appointment!  A judge won't know what really has happened in the short time we are in court, and what remedy would I seek anyway?), send a lawyer letter (didn't work last month) or just sit through it and hope it doesn't get worse.  Our divorce is not final yet but we have a court date in mid sept.

Thing is:  I have the majority of custody now, with him only seeing the kids a few times a month.   But we have joint legal so he believes he can cancel all of my decisions even when we agreed before.  He feels out of power because I usually have the kids, which is driving his need to do all these things to feel like he has some power.  I understand that, but I am afraid of how far it will go, since he canceled an appointment that we had both agreed our child needs.

Sorry if this rambles.  What would you do, realistically?

[momtara]

I'm sure I'm not the first to deal with this.

Hubby is in a major dysregulation period.  He sends me texts all day saying he has urgent questions about the kids.  He finds various ways to harass me, but he doesn't (usually) send nasty texts or call me names, so he could someday make the case that he had legitimate concerns.  He asks the same questions over and over just to get my attention.  It's part of the disorder and eventually it will stop (after days, weeks, who knows... . ), but it creates a situation in which I can barely work or take care of the kids due to constant texts and calls.

More scary, he vindictively canceled a doctor's appointment this week that I have been waiting to take one of the kids to, saying he doesn't need it (even though he agreed before).  (This may sound familiar, as he did this last month too, but this appointment is more necessary).  I can't get it back any time soon because the doc is a specialist.  Also, the receptionist seemed pissed about the fact that I kept confirming the appointment with her and he kept canceling and rescheduling.  What do you do about someone putting receptionists in the middle of these things, and scaring away all of your kids' providers?  I can't ask them to refuse to listen to him.  They aren't part of this.

If I make another appointment and take our kids, over his objections, he will use this to someday do something that *I* didn't approve of, and say, "Well, you took him to the doctor over my objections."

I am going to talk to my lawyer.  My options seem to be:  Restraining order (but for what?), go to court (but he lies and says *I* changed the appointment!  A judge won't know what really has happened in the short time we are in court, and what remedy would I seek anyway?), send a lawyer letter (didn't work last month) or just sit through it and hope it doesn't get worse.  Our divorce is not final yet but we have a court date in mid sept.

Thing is:  I have the majority of custody now, with him only seeing the kids a few times a month.   But we have joint legal so he believes he can cancel all of my decisions even when we agreed before.  He feels out of power because I usually have the kids, which is driving his need to do all these things to feel like he has some power.  I understand that, but I am afraid of how far it will go, since he canceled an appointment that we had both agreed our child needs.

Sorry if this rambles.  What would you do, realistically?

[Rubies]

Get statements from the receptionist on who made appointments, who cancels them.  Judges want to see facts from 3rd party professionals.

Document, document, document.

My BPDxh was that way.  If  I wouldn't tell him  about appointments, he couldn't interfere. 

One issue I had is her prescheduled orthodontic appointments.  He knew we'd be gone for the day.  He'd break in my house.  I put him in charge of her braces and appointments.  He neglected that responsibility, I stuck it in front of the judge.  "Here is a record of her missed orthodontic appointments, her braces are overdue for an adjustment by X months."

Judges want to see a parent do what's in the best interest of the children.  They will reward and protect you in that.  YOU set and keep regular appointments for the children with doctors, dentists, specialists and therapists; all mandated reporters.  Request copies of records for the court.

Judges don't respect parents who put their X's emotional needs or their own emotional safety above their children's needs.

Really seriously... . think about it.  BPD in courtroom after making a filing,  "Waa, waa, waa, she took the kid to a referred specialist after I cancelled the appointment 3 times.  Court order states we are to agree and I don't believe my kid needs a doctor or any medical treatment.  Waa, waa, waa, blah, blah, blah... . "

To the judge it looks like BPD is hiding something.

The judge told me DD and I only had to honor visitation, Mr. BPD could take a flying leap on everything else.  If there any further problems, don't wait to bring it to his attention.  He (the judge) would deal with BPDxh.

[momtara]

I don't know that a receptionist - who hasn't even really met us yet - would want to do that.  Do they tend to do that?  Other than that, you are right.  I can make another appointment, but I am supposed to let him know when and where so he can attend, I assume.  That's the problem.

[Rubies]

I don't know that a receptionist - who hasn't even really met us yet - would want to do that.  Do they tend to do that?  Other than that, you are right.  I can make another appointment, but I am supposed to let him know when and where so he can attend, I assume.  That's the problem.

Don't assume.  ASK the judge for clarification  when you bring up the issue of cancelled appointments.  X is interfering with your children's basic human rights of medical care, that needs to stop.  He doesn't need to be at every Dr. visit or know about them in advance, or give permission for your kid to go to the emergency room.    Dr. appointments are not Legal decisions like whether to pull the plug and donate organs. 

All a receptionist has to do is bring up a computer page and hit "print."  It should note who cancelled the appointments.  All you do is ASK.

[david]

I agree. I would physically go there and ask for the records. They have to provide that since you are a parent of a minor. You do not have to get into the specifics of why. Make appointments from now on with out letting him know. If he takes you to court you can show the judge the evidence and also how things did not work before and how they worked after. I have on several occasions done things that did not follow the court order. At one time we had a parent coordinator so ex would always bring these things up. I showed what I was doing was in the best interest of the children and I never was reprimanded, punished, etc.

Document,document,document.

[momtara]

My lawyer wants to send his lawyer a letter saying he did this.  Is this a good idea, or will it just agitate him?  I do have my own emails I sent him about it, and cc'd my lawyer.  Don't know if the lawyer letter will make a diff.

[eeyore]

momtara, I suggest you ask the receptionist for a record of the appointments and cancellations.  Just wondering but you seem afraid to ask.  Is it because the situation embarrasses you?  I found that the receptionists to be more sympathetic than many doctors I have seen. 

Years ago there was a girl receptionist at my PCP.  I needed an appointment with the doctor.  As I was making the appointment, I broke down and tears ran down my face--nothing to do with medical, just my own happenings that day.  She chatted with me and shared a personal experience of her own which assured me in a way that I shouldn't be embarrassed about anything.  You would be surprised how often your situation happens and how understanding the receptionists are. She got me into the Dr. and to this day every time I see her I give her a big hug.  She has now become a nurse that assists that doctor.   

[momtara]

OK.  I didn't realize this happens so often.  Very frustrating.  I asked her to include a notation that no one should change the appointment, but I guess he somehow changed it anyway. 

I was reluctant because we haven't even had an appointment there yet.  Nothing like ruining our reputations before we even go in!

[david]

Sending a letter through your atty only costs you more money and will not change his behavior. Negative engagement is still engagement. He will get what he wants and your children will not get what they need.

[eeyore]

OK.  I didn't realize this happens so often.  Very frustrating.  I asked her to include a notation that no one should change the appointment, but I guess he somehow changed it anyway. 

I was reluctant because we haven't even had an appointment there yet.  Nothing like ruining our reputations before we even go in!

Be kind to the receptionist and apologetic for the confusion.  it will be ok.

[Rubies]

The thing is, the rules for joint parenting are for normal parents.  We are stuck with a person who is not normal.  It is easy to document they are incapable of putting their children's needs as any priority in their lives.   They actually make it easy for us.  Step up and get it in front of the judge.   

Stop the letter writing between lawyers.  That is pointless and only costs money.   Every letter written, every letter read, every phone call costs money.  The only thing that count is what's in front of the judge, what he says and what he signs.  The rest is expensive BS.

[Nope]

Stop the letter writing between lawyers.  That is pointless and only costs money.   Every letter written, every letter read, every phone call costs money.  The only thing that count is what's in front of the judge, what he says and what he signs.  The rest is expensive BS.

I think that advice depends on a couple of different things. 1) When you cost yourself money you also usually cost the other party money. In my case my fiancés uBPDxw loves the drama but can't stand having to pay a lawyer. She has very little money and badly missuses the child support she gets so when things get heated up she sometimes doesn't have the funds to make them worse. Secondly, it matters if the other lawyer has a soul. In our case she has had two lawyers quit on her after they realized she was the problem. The latest one actually went in front of the judge to get herself removed and this is the same judge who will be hearing our custody case.

[Rubies]

Attorneys have to dump clients in front of the judge so it's a matter of record.  The two reasons they dump them is client is out of money, or client is ruining their credibility and reputation, their "win" record.  It sucks to have a lying whackjob as a client.  Yes, some attorneys have souls.  To find one, see who is doing pro bono and low pay child advocacy work.  Most are trying to fast track to judgeship.

Yes, judges want stuff worked out between attorneys before the courtroom.  You can tell your attorney to limit the letter writing and phone calls to 10 minutes per issue and still be able to tell the judge you tried but were unable to reach an agreement.  You can also write the letter yourself, or bullet outline the issue for your attorney.  Divorce attorneys are notorious for running the clock on combative couples, playing on high emotions and making things seem way more complicated than they actually are.  They work together all the time and are often friends outside the courtroom.   Beware of slimy lawyer tricks.

I represented myself against a high dollar attorney.  I walked away with almost everything, but most importantly I was able to protect my child and get her needs met.   I understand my opponent is a nice lady and incredibly good.  She had an emotionally unstable, abusive liar and manipulator for a client.  What I didn't put in front of the judge, the judge saw for himself.  Since the legal work cost me nothing but TIME and filing fees, but cost him money and credibility, plus his attorney's credibility, his BS in my life was kept to a minimum.  Even his attorney sent me an abusive letter, I filed THAT for the judge to read.  The judge outlined specifically what each statement of the orders means to the court and not "whatever you want it to mean."

So I think what I'm trying to say, the judge can't protect you and the children if he doesn't know the issues you need relief from.   You attorney cannot represent you to the best of his ability until you can directly bullet point the problems.   It costs you money to emote to your attorney, save it for your therapist.