The new phrase.."Now apologize to me"

[Cipher13]

Now over the years Ihave become some what numb to the raging and name calling. In fact I was just told over the weeknd that I should just die.  More than 2 years ago that would have stung. Now not so much.  There is now something she has found that I still need to work on deadening my senses to.  After a rage where she calls me every name you can think of that would make the Sapranos blush I remain calm and mention I have a diferenc eof opnion on how I am treating her. She is now telling me I need to apologize for it. Just now I sent her a text on my lunch break to please please limit the texting my lunch break only.  Well I was mean in how I responded to her.  Now apologize.    I bugs me because I know I didn't but it doesn't matter... So I sort of turned it around liek I'm sorry you didn't understand what I meant. That worked for now but once that fails then what.

If I got paid over the years for how many times I said I am sorry I'd be as rich as Bill Gates. I have no problem admiting a mistake and owning it. Now I have t admit to no mistake and own her issues... . I don't think so. This is going ot get ugly.

[yeager1003]

This happens with me every time I try to set or enforce a boundary. Hold your ground. You have a right to establish limits. Validate she is feeling you've wronged her (her feelings are neither right nor wrong), and apologize if anything you've done caused her pain, but don't apologize for the boundary - THEN STICK TO IT. If she continues to text during times you've asked her not to, ignore them. Answer one time, and you've reinforced the behavior. It can be hard and you can expect her to pull out every weapon in her arsenal. She made create a "crisis" to force to answer. If it gets bad (a threat to harm herself if you don't answer), don't reply, call 911. If the threat is real, that's exactly what you should do. If not, you've called her bluff and though you will pay for it, it teaches her you won't be manipulated by threats.

[Cipher13]

She has never made any theats ther entire time I have known her. She did tell me she tried to cut her slef when a teen.  I had an issue today and held my ground  with texting. Its so much easier when she is working then she can't text. Glad to see she is goign back to work full tiome next week. It helps a lot.

Liek you said the only apologies I give are deserved and for her feelings. It seems to work well enough for now but this isa new requirement. Wonder what is next once in master this one. I know her mind will come up with something else.

[yeager1003]

My wife is extremely clever about boundary breaking. When I made one about the name-calling, her solution was to make them indirect. Instead of "you ass," she changed it to, "you're acting like an ass [or an abuser]." An especially subtle one is by comparison. "Who do you think you are, that ass brother-in-law of mine?" See? She's very smart. And it implies it isn't all subconscious, even in the most out of control rages.

So what happens when I point out the semantic trick she's using? Denial first. Then I'm being too sensitive. Then I'm the one in denial (the "truth hurts" excuse.). Finally, always, the classic, "I can't help it, that's how I FEEL about you."

[Cipher13]

I never have tried to set boundaries about name calling... I should try because I'd liek to see her run the table like your wife. Mine to is very clever. However I think she will just be like "I don't care if I feel you are a a-hole then i will call you one. Deal with it you a-hole."

I tried to turn her words back on her on Sunday. She said Iwas in a bad mood. All I needed to do was just stop and change it to be a good mood. Just change my mind set becasue it feels better to be happy... . After the bike ride she was angry that I "changed my mindset and was friendly to a strange when I was asked a question about directions" Sure you are nice with a strange and mean to me all day. I said you seem upset maybe you should change your mindset an be happy liek me its more fun... . "F-you it not the same thing."   

I am still going to use the change you mind set it seems like a good one to keep reminding her that I am taking her words to heart.

[SadWifeofBPD]

After the bike ride she was angry that I "changed my mindset and was friendly to a strange when I was asked a question about directions" Sure you are nice with a strange and mean to me all day. I said you seem upset maybe you should change your mindset an be happy liek me its more fun... . "F-you it not the same thing."   

Even if she SAYS "it's not the same thing," likely she KNOWS that it is and it will make an impression on her.  H would say stuff like that after I used his own words against him, but it would get thru at some point.  They do "hear/absorb" some of their hypocrisies.

[Cipher13]

They do "hear/absorb" some of their hypocrisies.

Well thats some comfort to know.