Sex

[yeager1003]

I've searched the boards and across the net for this. Can't find it mentioned, so I'm going to throw it out for some feedback.

Married 18 years. First few, the sex was the best I've ever had (not that I've had a great deal). I've read most BP relationships begin this way. Sleeping together very early on (we slept together on the second or third date), adulation of the lover, a rush to intimacy and talk very early on of marriage and family, etc. I.e., the "love-bomb" stage of idealization. We were living together within 4 months, married within 8.

To make a long story short, the sex at first was intense and frequent (which is true of nearly all relationships, of course). It tapered off. It eventually stopped. We haven't had sex in months. She said she grew tired of initiating it (which wasn't the truth, but who am I going to believe, her or my lyin' memory?). Now, when I do try to initiate sex, she is either totally non-responsive or brings up the fact that I have failed her in the past in that department. The next day, what does she do? Complains we don't have sex!

We talk about it a great deal. We even have "scheduled" intimacy, only to have something happen. She falls asleep. She's had a bad day. When I make a spontaneous overture, she pulls away.

Of course, the lack of action in the bedroom is all my fault. She is a woman, she has needs, I must be getting it somewhere else, etc., etc. I've read BPs also use the silent treatment or withdrawal as a coping mechanism - is this a form of that?

On the upside, the lack of intimacy gives me perfect cover for talking to a therapist. I'm going to fix what is clearly my fault!

Well, it isn't exactly cover.  I DO want to understand my responsibility in this dynamic. Have I pulled away because of issues of self-worth after years of hearing how awful/uncaring/mean/selfish/evil I am?

I know one thought might be she's having an affair, but there have been absolutely no red flags. If she is she's being extremely clever about it.

[Cipher13]

You story reads much liek mine. 12 years married. Great intamacy right at first. Frequenty and often. Dated dated maybe 3 to 4 months then engaged. married 7 months later. The sex tapered off. I was a dumb and thought I needed to get it mysefl then and turned to the internet to just do it alone. She didn't like that when she found out and now that is the source of her rages continuing 11 years later. So there again were an even longer periods of drought 3 to 4 months. i time it was 6 months. Now its changed and liek you mentioned she wants to schedule and said what about everyday? You are a man and 24/7 is what you need right? And the second I am too tired I am getting some place else or don't love her anymore.

So you are not alone my friend. I too am going to therapy to "fix me" becasue I am whats wrong and have always been why can't i just figure that out and stop doing everything wrong.

Go to T anyway. You can actually fix you but more than likely it won't be the fix she wants but it will be the fix you need for yourself... It helps keep you mind from going bonkers.

[yeager1003]

thanks, it's a relief to hear I'm not alone, and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. I turn to porn from time to time, which feeds right into the cycle of "confirming" in my mind all her accusations that it's all my fault, I'm bad, I'm the problem, I'm evil, increasing my guilt and depression and my avoidance. Lately I've been struggling with thoughts that we are so enmeshed that kills all desire. To be completely honest, most times I'm RELIEVED when she falls asleep and I don't have to deal with it!

[Cipher13]

I hear you. I go to work to enjoy my day. That is until she feels the need to have constant contact.  Thats a boundary I trying to put up right now. I wish she would go to sleep first. She doesn't fall asleep easily and we have never gone to bed at different times. If she is tired and I am not I have to lay there until I am tired. I had to by a nintendo ds for something to do.