Just reread all my own posts...

[blurry]

And I can't believe I married this woman last month, and now she's gone already, were living in different states ( I moved for the 9th time in almost a year now over this), have spent two nights in jail since I started posting and now in about to go start looking for my 6th new job in 10 months... . NC starts today, wonder when ill get the call... .

Had a funny thought while I was reading my posts from the beginning, reminded me of the scene in Lord of the Rings, when they were down in the mines of moria and Gandalf was reading that journal as it described the goblins approaching... .

[allibaba]

Hi there,

That sounds really really painful. What do you think that you need to do to grt some stability back in your life?

[Vindi]

stick with NC it will work, and i wish you luck on finding stability and that job and sticking with it. And keep re reading your posts, seems like you have done alot in the past year... . and only being married a month, and all of this happening... . are you going to get your marriage "anulled"?

Unfort. she will most likely call you, and then you will have to decide how/when you want to respond, thing is you are still married, so eventually contact would have to happen, if that makes sense (whether you choose to get divorced, annulled or what not).

I wish you luck on this new NC path... .

[blurry]

I know the only option is to work on myself, I never expect to hear from or see her again every time this happens, but every other time, I have started over but I usually turn to heavy drinking, and end up just spinning wheels or adding more damage by the time she reels me back in. Sort of isolated myself this time and hoping it helps me completely focus on my own issues for once and that way, if I go back to her again, ill be healthier, and if I wake up one day and decide I'm done trying with her, ill be healthier. I've said it before, just hope I can follow through this time. Day two of nc started today and the job hunt begins, hopefully I get something quick that keeps me from constantly thinking about the past year with her.

[blurry]

Funny, thinking back, its a year ago this week I had just moved in with her for the first time, two weeks prior she had proposed to me. If you told me this was how the past year was gonna be, I wouldnt of believed it in a million years. Not in a million years, but that was the end of the initial honeymoon phase. I would of thought there was no way on earth a 38 year old woman with 5 kids would propose, ask a guy to quit his job, move 100 miles to live with and marry her, to somewhere he had no friends or family, only to dump him 24 days later, she seemed so in love, and I know I was... . and then I repeated the cycle 4, 5, 6 times more since then... . back and forth, back and forth, always trusting and believing in her, and even after the trust was gone. Guess the old saying is true " nothing changes without change". Gotta stand my ground this time even if it means never seeing her again, I have to.

[Seashells]

Dear Blurry,

I feel for you.  I know the feeling of thinking each time it's the last and starting to go through the grieving process only to have it not finish and repeat again. It wears on your soul.

Also have experienced the looking back and going wth?  How did I get here? In a million years I'd have never thought I'd follow along with something like this, repeatedly.    I think looking back is good if you're in the right place and can detach from the self judgement and not let the ruminating cause yourself more anguish.  (easier said than done). 

If you can view it objectively and accept it's happened and try to care enough about yourself to decide you can't keep allowing your life to go in these circles; and then decide to do whatever you need to pull yourself up by the boot straps and get on with it, it may give you some relief.   It's very hard.   

For me anyway, I had to start asking myself why I didn't listen to that little nagging voice telling me to pay attention to what I was seeing.  I've had to look at and accept my part in it.  As opposed to discounting the  's because I wanted to ignore them, and just staying stuck blaming him.

I think if we can address our own issues that made us vulnerable to ignoring those  's to begin with, and trying to address those things in positive ways (as opposed to feeling hopeless about them) and apply some salve to those core issues,  it's one of the keys or steps to accepting it and healing.   I hope that makes sense. 

One of the things I have been working and focusing on, is to address my own stress levels, and a mild but pervasive depression that I've realized has affected my outlook and thinking for a long time.  I've decided to pay attention and work towards getting myself to a point where I actually feel good again and not just accept feeling like crap and like I'm slugging through my life.  For me, I've had to address this in different ways, I started making appointments with doctors.   I had my thyroid tested, and other blood work done,  I started trying supplements, fish oil and magnesium, eat not only healthy but regularly so I had more energy.  I started with small things as it's all I could manage at first.

If you can just focus a little on yourself for awhile even if it's just to notice your own moods and feelings and work towards physically making yourself feel better, it builds upon itself.  I've found it hasn't happened overnight, but the better it gets, the more I'm motivated to keep it going.  Small set backs happen, but there is a whole lot to be said for having a general sense of well being.  And I think trying to find that for ourselves first is a crucial baby step when we've been depleted.  I'm still working on it. 

The geographic distance can also be a blessing when you need to do this. Just my 2 cents.

I wish you well.

[blurry]

Thanks for moving the post here, was wondering where my posts belonged and after my last few, was beginning to think that nothing productive was coming from me towards anyone who is definitely " staying". Me and my BPD wife, soon to be ex, according to her, have definitly not only hit the toxic levels but went flying above and beyond, so I might be better off here. Not to mention, no idea, as usual if ill ever see or hear from her again, so how can you stay in something that technically doesn't exist right now?

[Vindi]

just keep with the NC, and focus on you as you are... . see how hindsight comes into play, i don't think any of us would think we're in the boat we are in, but thinking back, I think we all saw red flags just ignored them. And hoping things would change, and they sometimes never do, unless WE change something and do something healthier for our own selves.

I wish you luck on day 3 of NC!one day at a time

[Inside]

Blurry, it’s apparently taken me decades to realize ‘alcohol’ abuse is mainly self-medication in an attempt to ‘treat’ a deeper, underlying problem…  I’ve not finished reading everything here, but it sounds like she’s your problem.  No more her, no more need to self-medicate?  

You said: “... . and then I repeated the cycle 4, 5, 6 times more since then... . back and forth, back and forth, always trusting and believing in her, and even after the trust was gone. Guess the old saying is true "nothing changes without change". Gotta stand my ground this time even if it means never seeing her again, I have to.”

Man, you’re no doubt among good company here… myself included.  I’d asked a question a couple of weeks ago about ‘how,’ and ‘if it’s worth’ attempting to make a BPD r/s work.  My uBPDgf’s spoken of marriage, getting a tattoo of my name ... . and having (more) children, but after each (inevitable) recycle (we're likely beginning round 7), we seem further apart... .  

The problem I’ve had with ‘standing my ground,’ and I have - never having been the one to make contact -- is just that - she always comes back.  Extremely intelligent, and manipulative …I give in.  Problem is, no normal woman sweeps us off our feet like a BP does, so as I begin to ‘look,’ even start up a ‘normal,’ if much slower going relationship – Bam!  She's back

That’s the hard part – they will return, and ya need to be prepared.  …and for that, I can’t help you … I’m apparently hopeless in that regard.  Strange thing, as I see her constantly plying guys for attention (if not bed), I’m the opposite; when I reconnect, I go into ‘faithful mode,’ thus blowing opportunities of meeting a normal woman as I’m back with my BP.  So, she’s always got the jump on me – cuz she’s always out there.  …maybe talking to myself here… but I can so relate to what you’re going through – and will let you know if I ever figure it out

[Inside]

Seashells… beautiful...   As I often read various posts to get a sense of where I may be headed with a BPD r/s, I rarely find the ‘topics’ I’d like to know more about, and am reluctant to start one as it takes a lot of time to follow it…

…like, have ‘we non’s’ ever posted about our known or suspected PD’s, insecurities, or behavior that might give an indication of ‘what it is within us’ that either attracts or causes us to hang on to pwBPD... ?

Your description of a “a mild but pervasive depression” is something I struggle with as well.  Might we get ‘down,’ are noticed by a ... manipulative pwBPD and be more vulnerable or susceptible than most to their style of manipulation and deceit... ? 

Your description of methods for improving your health and life are brilliant, thank you for sharing them.  As I’ve attempted to do the same (between BPD recycles), I’ve noticed what a delicate process it is to get in tune with our best interests …as the world seems to demand our constant energy and attention.  And if our BP’s return, even in a subtle way, it so easily interrupts our healing and growth… 

I do feel I get something from the BPD r/s ... . is it something I must be lacking... ?  She certainly feeds on what I have to offer, but how do I ignore her allure and remain focused on myself?  Distance would be nice; I’m still considering a serious move …but a move that would remove me from family and friends …mostly to escape her. 

As blurry described re-reading his posts …a few days ago I deleted nearly 4 years of e-mail correspondence, much of which was between BPDgf and me.  Weird – I could read something that had me on edge over two years ago regarding her behavior -- and it could have been written yesterday … so little has changed.  Yet I apparently cling to the hope that it will.  …and if I began re-reading my posts around here, I’d be further ashamed of myself for needing to be here right now!  …OK, I’ll shut up

[blurry]

Thanks for the positive responses all, funny how Inside mentions reading posts from a long time ago and its as if those same emails could be from yesterday, closest thing I can compare this bizarre relationship to is the movie "groundhog day". Right before this last breakup ( she has PMDD as well, and I suspect depression too) she was back to her 12+ hours of sleeping again, plus naps inbetween, and I was thinking it was her way of avoiding me, or who knows... . but I was trying to come up with a logical reason she would sleep that much. Anyway, looking back at a post from december, I think, I was posting back then about the alarming amounts of time she sleeps.