Hi SweetCharlotte,
It's been a month and a half since my long-distance uBPDh walked out on me in the middle of the night, got a hotel room and then caught a plane back to his city the next day. We both had a two-month summer break and we were supposed to spend it together. I had a work-related project due, so I needed to be at my home base for the majority of the summer and I thought he had agreed to spending this time at my place. He picked a fight in order to push me away, then spent three-quarters of the summer on his own.
So in spite of your plans together, he up and left you in the middle of the night. You can see this as a metaphor for what could happen to you at any point in your marriage with him. If you are ok with this, then I guess nothing will happen to you that you won't be ok with.
I don't think he cheats on me physically, but he likes to be on the prowl, giving girls the eye, texting female friends and meeting them for lunch, etc.
Why be on the prowl? Except in order to cheat on you? Of course in *his* mind he isn't cheating on you. You see if he's suffering from BPD, then on occasions he will imagine that you are going to abandon him. And the best way to avoid abandonment (even if it is only imagined) is to be the one who abandons first. So from his perspective, he is just doing to you what you are planning to do to him. To him, it's fair play.
This is what he did when he left you in the middle of the night. He left you before you could leave him.
And in a sense every time he suffers from these imagined abandonments, a possible way in which he might "deal" with this fear, is to find someone else to be with, in order to abandon you first. And I'm not saying these are always physical affairs. Perhaps they are emotional affairs. Perhaps all he needs is just the "potential" to be with someone else; thus he prowls. But as I see it, he does this in order to abandon you before you can abandon him.
And once his disordered fear of abandonment subsides, then he can come back to you. From his perspective, it's a brand new start, even though your attachment to him has been more or less continuous. And all this might be happening many times over, while you are away back in your city, without knowing that any of this has happened. "How was your day, honey?" "Fine."
We've been together four years and it's always been long-distance.
I think that because you have been in a long-distance relationship with him, this is the principle reason why you've been able to stay together for as long as you have. I wonder how things would be different if you did not have this distance.
First six months were heady and euphoric idealization, then we sank into the cycle of him finding fault with me every six to twelve months in order to dump me and then come back as though it never happened.
He dumps you. Or "abandons" you. And comes back as though it never happened. Brand new start.
He has paranoid episodes in which he throws around the most incredible accusations Once in a while he does something really crazy like opening the car door while I'm driving as if to jump out (with my kids in the back seat ). Never a dull moment.
But these kinds of things don't happen often enough to really light a fire beneath you. The physical distance you have with him gives you a break from these kinds of events. It would be a different story if these kinds of events happened more often. Or say every other day.
Now our summer vacations are over and it's back to work for both of us. I've been on the fence over what to do, and it shows no sign of ending. I filed for divorce in April of 2012 only to cave in to regret and his feeble "I love you's" and "Haven't we had good times together?" He's texting more often his "Love you's" and "Miss you's" and even sent me a greeting card with a cartoon of a on a platter . However, there's no real communication.
No real communication. But anything and everything, in order to avoid the perceived "abandonment." Because that's how he sees divorce. You abandoning him. Unless he can abandon you first.
I know that nobody out there has a crystal ball, but is anything going to fly up and hit me in the face if I just stay married to him but refuse to see him, and keep insisting that he get therapy?
I don't know. What would be the metaphorical equivalent of him jumping out of a moving vehicle? For someone capable of doing that, what kind of behavior would he have to exhibit that would surprise you more?
In the meantime, I have sought counseling myself, to begin soon (I have a dx of mild bipolar 2 and take no meds). I myself don't know how long I will stay in this holding pattern. Sometimes I feel like I still love him, other times I feel detached. At least he is not actively kicking my heart around, but on the other hand I am not healing. My kids are pretty relieved that we have no plans to see him, which is sad. :'(
I think it's a good idea to start finding extra ways to take care of yourself and your kids. I think that if he senses that abandonment is immiment, then he is more likely to act out. Then again, you have no idea what he's doing to cope, so it's just a matter of him leaving you alone. I really think it would be a completely different story if you didn't have this distance. And if you choose to stay with him. One day, there won't be this distance to insulate you from how he handles his disorder.
I hope some of this helps.
Best wishes, Schwing
