MOST HORRIFYING DAY OF MY LIFE Staying & Manipulation

[confusedhubby]

I had an interesting experience with my diagnosed BPD/w of 14 years. It was the most horrifying experience of my life!

We were in year 9 or so of our marriage and for the previous 2-3 years she had begun to act very oddly (become very anxious, self harming herself, pacing back and forth, acting oddly like she was in her own world etc). Every time I tried to talk to her about this she would claim to not know what I was talking about or deny there was anything wrong with her behavior. This lasted for a couple of years on and off and it was driving kids and I crazy.

Then one day I got a brilliant idea that I would video tape her odd behavior so I could show her what I was talking about. So the next time she started to act this way I pulled out the video recorder and the most horrifying thing imaginable happened. The moment she noticed she was being video taped she suddenly stopped the odd behavior and acted completely normal! Like there was absolutely nothing wrong! I was just horrified. Here was a person that had claimed for years to not know what I was referring to and the moment I pulled out the camera she just completely turned it off.

I will never forget this day. It was the day I realized there was something deeply troubling going on inside of her and that the kids and I were in potential danger.

FYI My wife and I have been together for 14 years and have two children (age 7 & 8). After the above incident happened I tried everything I could to help her. At first, things really did work for the better. However we filed for divorce last June and she has become extremely self destructive in the last 12 months. So much so that she has lost the kids and I. In June she told me that she was going to find herself so she could be there in the future for the kids. She fell in love with someone within 3 weeks of meeting him and he has moved in. Kids and I have been deeply harmed by what we have gone through but I do not see any remorse from her whatsoever for what she did or put us through.

For anyone who is contemplating staying with a BPD they should really think long and hard about what to do. Yes they will try and recycle you and everything will seem wonderful at first but the train wreck has not been avoided, just delayed a little longer. When the wreck finally does happen the victims will be you and your kids. The BPD partner because of there emotional immaturity will not feel a thing. Rather they will further lie and manipulate others (as well as themselves) to make it sound like everything turned out wonderfully. This is what most Non's complain about the most. The BPD caused the train wreck in such a manipulative fashion yet has no shame or guilt for what she has done. Indeed, they just pick up the pieces and continue to party on and let the good times flow!

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Friend:  I notice that you are posting in the "Staying" board.  So please allow me to ask you to actively and diligently research the various available tools that will make your and the children's lives better.

You can love your wife, respect her, support her emotionally and financially, care for her... . but you are her husband.  You are not a trained clinician and therefore, have no skills to cure/manage mental illness.

Having a loved one with mental disorder can cause havoc... . as is evident in your post... . so please do not hesitate to consider counseling for yourself and the children.

The only person you can change for better or for worse, is you... . not anyone else.  It is a tragic statement that she will only change when she can and at her own terms and in her own ways.

Please take care of your children---your and theirs' emotional, mental, physical and fiscal health... . yes, the last one is as critical as the others.

God Bless.

[Inside]

ConfusedHub... , I hardly feel ‘qualified’ to give you advice, but appreciate your observations.  After a long-term marriage of nearly 30 years, the last 2.4 years I’ve spent with an uBPDgf have been quite intense.  

When attempting to decipher the behavior of my BPgf I find myself bouncing between the disease -- and normality.  As she vehemently denies the disorder, we end up hashing out events in the perspective of ‘normal.’  When her behavior is viewed through the disease, it fits – but she can’t/ won’t go there.  So when hashing it out with her, or friends, each attempting to put it in the realm of ‘normal,’ it generally remains a mess.

Your post brought to mind, if they were to accept, recognize and fight against their ... disorder, we’d be more than willing to help!  As is, in denial, and apparently capable of turning it off & on at will -- we can’t do a thing.

I hope some ‘experts’ are reading around here – I can not imagine a more valuable tool for understanding the behavior of BPDed people.  When confronted about their behavior, by a professional or significant other, they deny it.  …So, with denial as their default position, there must be a very small percentage that actually gain the courage (or hit rock-bottom) to the point of opening up to anyone.  “We’re” the ones that should be interviewed – we’ve likely seen it all!  They’re obviously going to play innocent and ‘normal.’  Mine does… and most people eat it up.  

Again, sorry I’ve not much to add – but, after an extended question about the same ( https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207370.0 ) – I think you may have answered my question with your following summery:

“For anyone who is contemplating staying with a BPD they should really think long and hard about what to do. Yes they will try and recycle you and everything will seem wonderful at first but the train wreck has not been avoided, just delayed a little longer. When the wreck finally does happen the victims will be you and your kids. The BPD partner because of there emotional immaturity will not feel a thing. Rather they will further lie and manipulate others (as well as themselves) to make it sound like everything turned out wonderfully.”

Furthermore: “The BPD caused the train wreck in such a manipulative fashion yet has no shame or guilt for what she has done. Indeed, they just pick up the pieces and continue to party on and let the good times flow!”

…that is unfortunately as good a summarization as anything I’ve read or learned about this condition...  How sad.  

[maxsterling]

There has been twice now with my dBPDgf that she was in the middle of the worst rage, but immediately turned it off when other people came around.

The first she was raging at me in the car on the way to her friends' house.   As soon as we got out, she was fine, put her arm around me like everything was normal.  We stayed the night at this friend's house in the basement, and as soon as the door was shut, she raged at me again, but was sure to keep her voice down.  And when I went upstairs to use the bathroom the next morning, she made me swear I would not tell her friends what was going on.  The second time was before my dad was to come over to my house.  She raged and raged until my dad showed up, and suddenly it was over and she was nice and inviting my dad to lunch.  

This just says to me she does have control over her actions, if she chooses.  It also shows she knows her actions would be considered hurtful if viewed by others.  Scary thought.

[waverider]

The ability to switched from lost the plot to full control and back again like a chameleon to suit a situation is certainly is very unnerving to see, but it is common.

I dont think it is always deliberate manipulation, but certainly has the same effect. It is more subconciously tied to a survival mode and a means of extreme self expression. Black and white thought process means they can switch mode/mood quickly. The expression of feelings is always extreme. so the switch from functional to dysfunctional is startlingly swift.

Denial of responsibility and sweeping the past under the carpet with a distorted view of culpability is also pretty normal, and again a subconcious survival action, as to hold guilt would also be extreme so they need to avoid guilt.

Extreme emotions are overpowering and so need to be discarded completely once exhausted, before they become overwhelmed

[Aussie0zborn]

This is the first time I've seen this mentioned here. Mine would rage at me or her kids and then answer the phone or receive visitors to the house all happy and chirpy as if she was on top of the world. I often asked her how she did it - just flicking a switch and going from one persona to another.

If I was upset by her bad behavior I would withdraw and then get abused for "sulking" by both the BPD wife and her always-stepping-on-eggshells teenage daughter.  The reason for this withdrawal was to take stock and assess what just happened, why it happened and where the heck it came from. All very confusing.

Her take on it was that she had strength to get over things quickly whereas I was weak and petulant.

This flicking of the switch is amazing to see, especially when you have never heard of BPD as I hadn't at the time.