How to rein in a pwBPDs' excessive spending habits in a productive way

[SadWifeofBPD]

I was wondering if anyone had effective methods for reining in the excessive or impulsive spending habits of the pwBPD?

How have you been able to implement a budget?

This has been an on-going problem for us and leads to horrible budget problems.  Along with the impulsive/excessive spending, H will forget that a bill is due or that he VERY recently has spent a lot of money (so the check hasn't yet come thru) and then he'll "respend" the money thinking it's still in the account.  

The worst part is actually the frequent smallish amount spending since (to H) "it's only $20 bucks, so what's the big deal?"    Of course, if it was only $30 once in awhile, it wouldn't be a big deal, but when these unnecessary extra expenses are daily or near-daily, it really adds up quickly.  

Today H took me to a property that he wants us to buy.  I would like to buy it, too, but I really can't trust the budget to cover the costs.  Everytime I've NICELY suggested an "allowance system" or "writing up a budget", H has gotten upset because he realizes that it will put a severe cramp on his spending and that a budget would expose how much his expenses really cost the family.  

As it is, I have to keep my smallish earnings separate just so that I can pay for one property that we own, its utilities, most of my gasoline, my own personal expenses and our cell phone plan and some food, while his MUCH bigger earnings (4-5 times more than mine) pays for our primary home, some food, home utilities, car insurance, his many expenses, and other misc family expenses.   If I didn't keep my earnings separate, I'm sure that the mortgage for that other property would never get paid and I wouldn't even have gas money for my car (recently when I needed gas money, he told me to only put a small amount in, and then fill it up on Friday (today) when he got paid.  I did that, but it's ridiculous considering how much he earns.  Things shouldn't be that tight!.

What have people here been able to successfully do?

[Aussie0zborn]

Good question and I'm sorry I don't have an answer.  I stopped paying off her credit cards nearly 18 months before the end of the marriage and this still didn't stop her from spending. She had $30,000 racked up on two cards and looked at me with puppy dog eyes each month. I looked back at her with my puppy dog eyes and said, "30 grand? that's a bummer". We did this dance almost every month.

Your idea of working to a budget is fair. If he wants to buy another property why don't you ask him to draw up the budget and show YOU where the money is going to come from? Just play it vague as if you are seeking clarification and guidance from your SO.

[SadWifeofBPD]

If he wants to buy another property why don't you ask him to draw up the budget and show YOU where the money is going to come from? Just play it vague as if you are seeking clarification and guidance from your SO.

I was thinking of doing just that. 

In the meantime, I'm trying to help him become more aware of how much things cost.  He really doesn't pay attention, he just swipes his debit card without looking at the total.  We have very good insurance, but sometimes the pharmacy makes a mistake and will charge the whole cost instead of just the small co-payment.  H won't even notice!   I can't imagine not noticing that I'm being charged $200 for a Rx when I should be charged only $10.  (He does have one VERY pricey Rx that our insurance won't cover because it's not necessary and that costs us several hundred a month... . just so he can grow more muscles!)

[waverider]

My partner has an inability to regulate anything, emotions, finances or behavior in general. That is her disorder, to expect her to regulate her spending is like expecting her to not BPD.

In order to protect essential expenses i found no other way than to isolate them and make them my responsibility. Any other form of negotiated agreement was always reneged on in favor of the latest impulse, and a source of endless conflict

Its a pain but it is one I found easier to accept as just as, rather than fight a never ending conflict over.

[SadWifeofBPD]

In order to protect essential expenses i found no other way than to isolate them and make them my responsibility. Any other form of negotiated agreement was always reneged on in favor of the latest impulse, and a source of endless conflict

Yes, in your case that would work.  I believe that you're the primary breadwinner?  If so, that is very possible to do that.

In my case, H once agreed to doing this, and had his check deposited into an acct for me to pay the bills.  However, once he realized that his impulses were curtailed by that, he immediately changed it to have his check deposited into an acct that ONLY he has access to. 

Recently, he's promised to give me X dollars from each paycheck, but when he gets his check, he'll come up with some excuse as to why I have to wait til the "next check" (and so forth).  If I remind him that he has said (promised) that before, that upsets him because he likes to believe that he's a "man of his word" (something his dad always said about himself). 

He got paid yesterday and promised to give me $700.  I reminded him, and he said to wait for him to "look things over".  I'll be surprised if I get more than $100.  Likely, he'll say, "well, I forgot that I have to pay for X, Y, Z (all unnecessary expenses).  It doesn't dawn on him that I'm living on pennies (because my check already goes to fixed expenses) while he's living on thousands. 

I really don't know what the answer is in a case like this. 

[suffering_parent]

I would agree there is simply no way to regulate it.   They can't control any aspect of their lives.

My wife put me about 60k in debt our first year of marriage.   I had no debt coming into marriage, owned a house and had a very good job.   I maintained a budget and tried to go over it with her regularly.   All I would get was RAGE though.

It only goes downhill with their spending.   As debt piles up there gets to be less cash in your pocket.   Being blamers it will be all your fault.

Only thing that I found to work was to get rid of all credit.   My wife had very little credit history - so if I had no credit cards it helped a lot.    It avoided more debt at least.

My wife is preparing to file a lawsuit against me for financial abuse.   She spent every dime I made and I was rarely allowed to get anything for myself.

[longroad06]

Two options: totally separate finances.  Unfortunately this will affect you as if he blows his money he won't have the cash to pay his portion of bills.

2.) Take away the ability to spend it. Ie: move all but his "allowance" to an account be has zero access to. Once his money is gone in the allowance account well... . its gone. This puts some of the onus on him to budget. Be prepared for conflict when he runs out of money and wants more (and you tell him no.)

Pretend you are dealing with a small child as thats what its probably going to be like

[waverider]

  I believe that you're the primary breadwinner? 

Actually i am not, disability  pension, and carers pension respectively with some part time work. Not playing ball means no food on the table.It took a lot of boundaries about not providing for needs and allowing for things to become a mess before I adopted a stance of either its all my responsibility or her mess option. As opposed to me working around her mess ups.

I take all responsibility or none, I dont do split responsibilties, it just doesn't work