Bpdh wont let me go and wont stop the drama

[Cmjo]

I left him last October. I moved out with the kids. We live in a furnished residence, which my d11 hates she is ashamed to be seen here and doesnt have her own room. So I have found a new house, just two blocks away, and two blocks nearer to their dad, with a bedroom for each of us, in a closed housing complex where lots of their schoolfriends also live. Ideal, though no furniture I need to buy three new beds! The children are over the moon.

However 10 months on there is no real progress in the "separation". My ex just wont accept it. He says he has said sorry so why cant I go back and rebuild our relationship. When I explain the hurt, the conflict, the anxiety and my resulting depression he counters everything with if I still have feelings for him I would least try to make another go and he will change and not shout at me any more. But thats not enough, he cant give me the support I need in a relationship, he knows he is ill but wont admit it and expects me to do my duty and stay and look after him, because he is terrified of getting sick or dying.

Yesterday we had a phone call in the post office where he said again that I had "abandoned him like a dog" he never wants to see or hear from me again, I left him because I want to find a rich man that can afford restaurants and holidays, he was my right arm and mynrock and I have ripoed him away, I have destroyed the family, I have ruined his life.

I said I have an appointment for us to talk with a mediator he said whats the point, for her to tell me why you have left?

I have tried phase one of being nice and trying to get him to understand and accept we had to separate, and to talk to me about arrangements for the kids and money and everything, but he wont, I suppose because he cant.

So I am going to move on to stage two when I move to the new house this week, which is writing out a propsed agreement for the kids and money. For me it is really important we do this before the school year starts. He baits me with it saying I want to organize evryones lives with a timetable. He knows if we have a timetable I might be able to date other men and have a new life. Its true, but it would also allow me to hold down a job and give the children stability.

If that doesnt work by the end of this year I may have to play the final card, going to court for an order, which will allow him to go ballistic and bully and intimidate and threaten me even more. But I have to try to get stability for me and the kids, that is the whole reason I left him.

[Surnia]

This is tough, cmjo! 

I agree with you about your efforts to reduce instability and working on a regular timetable for your kids and you!

All I can say: Keep going! You and your kids deserve it.

And keep posting here, we are here for you!

[papawapa]

I doubt he will be receptive to a written agreement. Even if he does agree, what makes you think he will follow it? Take some time and go to the divorce/custody board and you can read all about how pwBPD won't even respect court orders.

[Cmjo]

Thank you, you are right and i would prefer not to go to court anyway! I am a lawyer and deal with other peoples dramas all the time.

I will go over the the other boards for some ideas of how to get a stable routine without his cooperation!

I havent healed enough yet as I am still letting the drama affect me. Today was his birthday. The kids told me he had tickets for a funpark and i was invited. But for the last two weeks he has ignored my calls and refused to talk to me. So i told the kids I am sorry I dont want to go, daddy is too angry it would not be right. Today I did try to ring because I wanted to see how the kids were, no answer. I sent a text just wishing him a happy birthday with the children and got a text back " happy? You missed a chance today to make amends... " I have to make amends?

So I am going to focus on doing what helps... . writing lists of the reasons why I left and why it is impossible for me to live with him again. So his bad behaviour doesnt make me try and placate him out of guilt, but just strengthens my resolve to stay away and get over this attachment to his cruelty.

[GreenMango]

Ah the good old fashioned guilt trip.

Cmjo you've done a great job getting stability for you and the kids.  He's not going to like it.  As you remove yourself from being a buffer to him dealing with and possibly fixing his problems those problems are going to hit him and he doesn't like it.

Rock bottom is an ugly place for people.  He's the solution he doesn't see it.

Keep doing what is healthy for you and the kids.  You obviously aren't alienating them just making a separate safe place for you guys.   

Maybe give some thought to the time you do spend together as a family.   It give him mixed messages and there's too many emotions that suggest a bond that it seems you no longer want with him.  The kids and him is one thing.