Is there any such thing as help for the innocent

[secret keeper]

I have had my grandchildren on and off the majority of the time since 2008. Just recently I have had to petition to get her (their mother my daughter) committed to the hospital. Which expired the first time because she hid from the police officers. I have had to call the crisis line at least 1x a wk not counting my case manager and family mentor also. Last time the crisis team was out here they filed the hospitization petition. This time she was taken in only to stay the minimion time and then be released though it is on file that she is a danger to herself and others including her children. CPS has been called in but they are living with me and have been since January this time that they said they would just be checking in on them every so often. She has had 2 other hospital stays since January one was volunteery the other was due to an overdose of her medication, suicide attempt. Again she was released within the minimium time they had to keep her. The last doctor she saw at the clinic told me he didn't want to put Borderline diagnosis on her record because that would raise a red flag instead he put clinical depression. Since adolecents I have had her in and out of hospitals due to suicide attempts, cutting on herself, she is now 34 yrs old. Today she is active in using meth and she has taken over my house because she said she will take the kids their ages are 3yrs, 10yrs, and 13yrs. I went to a class to get legal guardianship I need to have her give me a noterized guardianship paper, give her copies of all court documents that I am going to file and also get the same thing from all the childrens fathers. The 13 yr old has to go to diversion and a legal guardian was suppose to attend she wouldn't sign the paper then. I did go and they did accept me as her guardian. I was told to get an order of protection on her again she can and will take the children with her even if she is homeless. She has hit me she is abusive to all of us verbally and physically has distroyed my things  and I have had the cops come out and they wont do anything without an order of protection. She broke a window breaking into my house and because there isn't a wittness its her word against ours though the police have been called out before due to her violent behavior and trying to break windows before. Im so stuck. I just do not understand why she was in control of her hospital stay when it is documented that she is a danger not only to herself but to her children. I have a mental disorder also its depression the same clinic state run changed it to bi polar. If I was truely bi polar I sure would cash in (no pun intended) to a manic episode right now. FYI  one of the police officers told me to go to the news on my side and go public because of me being dammed if I do and dammed if I don't ... . Any suggestions would be very appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

secret keeper -

Yes, there is help. For you and for your gkids. There is help for your D, but she has to choose that for herself. In the meantime, we are here to give whatever support we can to help. There are many caring parents here coping with many different grandkids situations. The threat from your BPDDD is so real in the moment. The hard question is whether she would carry out the threat to take the kids.

Have you visited the board "Family, Law and Custody"  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0. There might be some good support there for you. There are limits to guardianship - it can be revoked at any time by the parents. My dh and I found it did not provide us much protection from our DD's threats of taking our gd. We found an advocate to help us file for custody, and a lawyer to help with the hearings. In the end, the dad helped convince DD to sign a voluntary stipulation for our custody. She is very resentful of this even after this past 7 years. She can alwasy get her life together and go to court to request changes to the order -- she has never done this. The legal part is really messy.

The family relationship part is even more messy. The grandkids needs make it harder to find ways to take care of ourselves. You have depression and possible bipolar II - what are you doing to manage this? Medications often help - they sure help me with both of these dx. And therapy, family support (does your social services have a kinship services department - mine does and they have been really really helpful). You do talk about getting some support. What can we help you with in the self-care area?

Boundaries are also really important - not to change our kids. They need to be to protect ourselves and our values -- and our gkids. As my self care increases, my ability to figure out and stick to good boundaries gets better. You gkids can make this feel so much more risky, or even impossible. It is possible. There is hope with this.

Try this workshop. It helped me:  Boundaries: Living our values    https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries ;all

It can feel so hopeless. There is hope. I have found it with my friends on this board. Soon others will be by to welcome you. Please, keep coming back and let us know how things are going. We care.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

Hello secret keeper,

Welcome to the parent's board, we are glad that you found us and hope to be a source of support and encouragement for you.

Your situation sounds heartbreaking... . having to make these choices is difficult, confusing, and well... . heartbreaking.  Educating yourself as much as you can about your d's disorder, taking care of self to stay strong for yourself, grandkids, and your daughter, and learning the skills to cope will help you all make it through.

We are here to help.

lbjnltx

[vivekananda]

Hi secret keeper   

I am glad you have found us. This site has been the best support and guidance for me with my dd (dear daughter) with BPD who is 32.

It seems as if there is so much in your life that is all a confused mess, it must be heartbreaking for you. To continue to provide support for your grandkids (and your dd) requires considerable strength from you. It must feel overwhelming at times.

Both qcr and lbj have said it clearly, there is hope and the promise of better things. It requires of you that you learn as much as you can about BPD and practise the skills we have learnt are so helpful: boundaries and validation.

The first rule though is to take care of yourself. If you are strong, you can help your loved ones. Do you have any support to help you through this?

Cheers,

Vivek