uBPDh interfering in son's new marriage

[wikawea]

It's been three years since I've posted on this site. I have been married to my uBPDh for 28 years. I didn't realize he had this disorder until 5 years ago. Our family (kids) as a whole have seemed to have learned how to communicate with my husband in a way where he feels emotionally secure, but he had an outburst with my new daughter in law last week (they split their time between the US and abroad as she is from another country and going to medical school.) and things have gone downhill fast. We had plans as a family to get away for Labor Day holiday. Because of this outburst he said: you guys go on without me. He said he's "ok being the bad guy... . I just want to be alone and don't want to see anyone. It's best, trust me"  Well, we did leave for our holiday.  I honored his wishes to be alone (plus I needed time to help my new daughter in law understand what was going on with my husband, who up until last week only showed love and adoration to her).  Now he feels unwanted and bitter. Before I left town, I tried to call him but he didn't answer. I told him I loved him and wanted to tell him bye in person. I know they need reassurance, so I tried. He texted me back and told me he would be very busy at work and don't come by. I sent him several I love you texts on my drive down with no reply.  I am growing very tired of this. I have so much invested in our marriage and when it's good it's good and when its bad its really bad. I haven't spoken to him since Friday when I left. I texted him today to tell him I loved him and we all will be back tomorrow. He told me in all caps, DON'T COME HOME. I don't know what to do. I have my daughter in law calmed down and told her we will all sit down and talk to him when we go home. Now I'm confused because usually he is reaching out and is calm by now since it's been several days. He is mad at me for not taking his side in the conversation with my daughter in law. I told him that his demands is not what my son and his wife have as their plans. I really didn't want to stay home this weekend and battle it out. I just don't have it in me anymore. I love him with all my heart, but I am losing myself in this. So... . do I give him more space and stay away? I'm at our second home 8 hours away... . or do I go home and face the music, even though he tells me not to come.  Does he really want me to come?  Really, I'm lost.

[Validation78]

Hi Wikawea!

I'm sorry to hear your story and of the anguish that being married to a pwBPD can cause. As you already know, it's a complex illness and confusing to us when we don't know how to respond.

BPD is a disorder fueled by guilt and shame, and my guess is that he feels bad for raging at your DIL who has not yet been the victim of his outbursts. Now that you've had a talk with her, hopefully she can understand better that the blow up was really not about her.

As far as going home, I don't think he means to never come home. pwBPD fear abandonment, and even though he says not to come home, it is the thing he fears the most. He is terrified that you will abandon him, especially since he has done some damage with your DIL. You mention that you are growing weary of this as well, and he probably senses it. My suggestion is to check out The Lessons on The Staying Board. If there's any chance of continuing on in your marriage, without you feeling the way you are now, or worse, it will be through learning better communication techniques. You mentioned learning yourselves over the years ways that work, which is great. However, it sounds like you've also done a lot of walking on eggshells, and just putting up with behaviors that are wearing you down. There are better ways, you can learn them! 

Best Wishes,

Val78

[wikawea]

Dear Val,

Thank you so much for responding. I really need support. I love my husband with all my heart, but I'm having trouble communicating. I'm scared to not go home today because he will feel more unwanted and things will get worse. I think I've been operating out of fear for a while. I try to keep the peace. But it backfires on me.

I am getting the silent treatment now. He will not answer his phone to talk and he hasn't texted me since he told me to stay away.I left two messages and used S.E.T. techniques. I'm really not sure when is a safe time for me to go home, since he told me by text he was very bitter. I would like to speak to him on the phone first before I drive 8 hours home. I wouldn't know what I'm walking into. It is possible he has NPD as well.

I am trying to find a therapist to speak with today. I searched various local people in the town I'm currently in and I am going to try to get an appointment today. If I don't get in, I'm going to need some support on this site.

Again thank you so much for listening to me.

[Validation78]

Hi Wikawea!

Sorry things have yet to improve. I hope that during the day, he has reached out. Check out this workshop on the silent treatment, I found it interesting:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

You mention that it may not be safe to go home. What do you mean, and are you afraid  for your safety? Only you know what is best and how to handle a situation with him. Of course, if it is a safety concern, we always tell folks here that safety comes first. If it's something else, let's talk about it, and come up with a plan to handle it using some of the techniques we talk about here.

Good for you, using SET. It's only one of many tools you can learn. Now that you have tried to call him, and he won't answer or respond, I would back off a little and let him think about things, and learn how to soothe himself. It's something pwBPD seem to have trouble doing, and they can learn when we don't try to do it for them.

Keep posting, we are here to support you!

Best Wishes,

Val78 

[wikawea]

Well I went to a psychologist yesterday that has experience with BPD. He helped me tremendously. My uBPDh and I spoke on the phone yesterday several times. Yes, he did get very angry but I didn't feel it directed toward me. I felt his frustration this time. I need to set some boundaries in our relationship now. Trying to figure this all out. I've always danced around it. I'm going home today.

Yes I do have fear of my safety sometimes. My father would go into a rage when I was younger and we never knew who was in trouble or why. Always the belt first. My husband grabbed my neck once 11 years ago when I threatened to leave him with the kids. Hasn't touched me since, though, but I still have that fear. So I try to avoid a situation that could turn volatile.

Wish me luck today