Another terrible weekend

[Ritarodriguez]

Hi i had not been writting because as always i was happy my 17 son was doing good.  I tried being calm and understanding with him, i even gave him freedom and more privileges.  But is like a tornado, you never know when is going to hit.

He was allowed to use my car in the neighbourhood, yesterday he came saying the car was not working properly, and of course he hit it with the sidewalk and destroy the rim, tire and is unlined.

I asked him and before i started things were flowing all in the air, crystals smashing on the floor, clothes all over the place, luggage, curses kicks and the usual rest.

Today he continued and for the first time i wasnt adraid to call 911, they came and talked to him, they can not do anything, just warn him if he touches me they will come and take him to jail.  Thought this was going to calm him down but of course not.

Im very tired, upset, heart broken, disappointed and all you can imagine.

Dont know what else to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, dear, Rita... . I'm so terribly sorry that all of this happened! It stinks, and you must feel so much pain and stress over this... . First of all: Are you safe? When he was raging like that it was really the right thing to doto  call 911; I sincerely hope it made an impression on him. But, how are you today? Are you fearful of him? Do you need a Safety Plan? Can you just check this link out, in case you do? Safety First. I'll feel a lot better if you click that link and learn all you can, OK?   

So, I know that your son has been diagnosed with BPD, but is he actually in therapy? Doing any treatments at all? He is underage at 17, so is there a way you could get him into some sort of program to help him? My own son (36) just completed a 21-day inpatient Dual Diagnosis Program (he was suicidal at the time, had already been diagnosed with ADD/Clinical Depression/Anxiety and substance abuse) and it saved his life. That was where he was diagnosed with BPD, and learned DBT and the tools toward recovery. Once I learned the communication tools and techniques on this site, things majorly turned around and he is recovering really well. Is there any way you can get your son into some sort of program to get help?

Anyhow, I'm glad that what you've been learning here has been helping, and there's a good chance that he will regulate himself again--with your help like before--and possibly become more stable for a while. But, without ongoing treatment and therapy, he might not be able to sustain it... . Do you know of anything available to him? Maybe he's already being treated?

I'm really hoping things get regulated and stable with your son soon, and you feel safe... . Take care, OK?   

[MammaMia]

Rita

I am so sorry.  We know how frightening rages can be.  Calling 911 was exactly the right thing to do.  Your son may be very angry now, but, hopefully, when he regulates, he will come to realize that in his rage he could have hurt you.  AND, he should be thankful you saved him from himself... . however, with BPD, we all know that will not happen.

Your dBPDs needs to understand this behavior cannot be tolerated.  If he rages and/or threatens you, the police WILL be called.  I hope your son is in therapy.  When he turns 18, the rules all change, and it will be much more difficult to get him into treatment.  

Do you have family or friends who can help you with a place of safety if needed?  If no one knows about your son's disorder, please tell someone who is close by in case you need immediate help.

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

Yes, being treated this way hurts, but we all recognize it is part of the disorder.  Make plans for your safety, and please keep in touch with us.  We are here for you... . You are part of the family.

[vivekananda]

Oh Rita   I am so sorry you had this rude return to the raging and threats of violence that seem very real to me. Are you scared? I think you must feel scared and worried and so, so sad.   

I am glad you rang 911. You must be safe. Like RR I want to know if you have a safety plan... .

I suspect it's back to basics for you. Do you have boundaries solid in place? Are you practised enough at validation? What can we do to help?

Let us know how things are with you, ok?

Sending you Cheers,

Vivek    

[js friend]

Oh RitaO, Im so sorry to hear this  

I can imagine how you must feel having to call the police for your son.

I havent had to do this but i can imagine how you must feel today, but you have to protect yourself is the is any chance of violence.

Making a safety plan is a good idea. Even having a neighbour you can run to in case of emergency.

Your son is upset now with you now, but When he is calmer you wil be able to talk to him.

Dont see this as the the end to things being good again.

Give it time and Stay stong  

[Kate4queen]

I've had to call the police on my son too when he was raging and threatening us with a kitchen knife. And our police dept actually could do something, because after they gave him a lecture about living in his parents house and having to do what they said, he decided to be rude to the female cop. She then decided to send him off to the County Mental Health unit for a mental health evaluation-72 Hours hold? I can't remember the specifics, but they took him off in an ambulance. it was actually very helpful to us and to be honest scared the cr*p out of our then 16 year old son.

So if this happens again, you might want to ask if the police can do that for your son.

[Ritarodriguez]

Thank you all for taking time to read my story.

Today im feeling empty, sad, hopeless, upset.  I don't want to deal with all his nonsense again.  He is still very defiant with me and i just dont feel like empathizing with him.

He continues telling me he hates me and that his father that doesnt live here will be happy to take him, when that is not true.

Today he has his therapy and i warned the dr. About everything that had happened.

Im just very tired! :'(

[vivekananda]

Hi Rita,

I hear the exhaustion in your words. Please accept these blunt words of advice that I offer you.

It's time to put everything else on hold and work on a plan for yourself - so you can stay strong. If you get ill, you are of no help to anyone.

1) Exercise is needed - many of us just walk, to get out into the fresh air is a way of working our body and letting our minds get washed by the breeze.

2) Meditation would good for you immediately. One of our members brought this to our attention. It is a good start. There are others too.

Neff, Kristin PhD: Self-Compassion: A Healthier Way of Relating to Yourself a website with video introductions to the ideas behind self compassion www.self-compassion.org/

3) A routine for yourself that includes exercise and meditation should be developed. I believe it takes 3 weeks of consistent application to develop a habit, and this needs to be a habit.

4) find face to face support for yourself. A therapist, a support group. Perhaps you could find a support group that you could meet with on either of these sites:

NEA - BPD Family Connections

tara4BPD

I hope you are sleeping through the night. Probably not and this is an issue too, isn't it? Perhaps you could purchase a 'meditation' cd that you could play to go to sleep to and if you woke in the night, you could just reach out and play it again. It isn't helpful to toss and turn and worry. It is helpful to have a plan to make things better. Worrying is wasted energy.

"Give me strength to change what I can, to accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference between the two." that's our prayer.

Rita, I hope you can take care of yourself, we are here for you,

Vivek