Feeling alone and stuck

[Mase11]

Just a quick overview of the last year.

- married two years and been together 3 1/2 years

- wife has BPD and a year ago was the peak of spending and the relationship was on it's way down then

- eating disorder, 80 lbs gained since we got together

- psychosis where I thought I was looking the devil in the eyes, her speaking differently didn't help either

- worked with a counsellor to get through this

- suicide attempt which was real

- found out an affair was the cause of the attempted suicide, which she had to travel to do multiple times

Why do I feel stuck? Why can't I just read what I wrote and move on? Does anyone have any ideas what helps you come to this realization?

I have a feeling that I have issues with being alone and also do not want to hurt this woman more than she already is hurting. She's good though, she's doing everything she needs to do (starting tomorrow) but this has been the cycle her whole life. I mean I just found out this was her 8th suicide attempt.

Am I ignorant for leaving this person at a time like this? Should I wait to see if she gets back on her feet? Should I be more understanding of an affair with someone who has BPD?

I've removed myself from the house because it's too difficult.

A lot of questions but my head is spinning.

[Overseas1899]

I think that you will be able to see the situation more clearly since you have left and can have a break from it.  You are definitely not alone.  You have control over your choices and what you choose to do about it.  Stick around on these boards - I have found tremendous help just knowing that I am not alone.  Indecision is the hard part and it sounds like that is where you are at.  Once you have decided one way or another, you will feel better.  Not fun. Not how I envisioned my life, but not alone in it.  Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells?

[Mase11]

Thanks for the response.

I have heard of the book but have not read it. I should probably read that one. Any info at this point is valuable to me. I'm not in any rush to make a decision but the longer it drags the greater the impact it will have on me. I also believe that if I can't seem to make a decision (say a couple months) or seem to be closer to making one, then I think the answer would be obvious to leave.

I was finding it very difficult to deal with the financial stress, immaturity, and lack of support (I work full-time and study for an accounting designation). Then at any time you could be hit with not just one but multiple haymakers and be left wondering what the hell just happened.

I get along with her family well and her friends. Her family and life long best friend have said great things to me about how I've dealt with things. However, they have struggled to continue to support her. She does nothing to help herself. I respect them a lot so how do I not take that as a sign?

I guess it takes time. This is the most difficult situation I've been presented in my life.

[Validation78]

Hi Mase!

Sorry to hear of the difficulties in your marriage. Your story is not unlike many of our members, sadly!

You feel stuck because of what we call FOG, fear, obligation and guilt. Not unusual when we are taught that marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, in sickness and health. The problem is, that much of the BPD behaviors are abusive, and harmful to our well being. Her family doesn't live with it day in and out, and cannot begin to know the toll it takes on you, so I hope you will not allow that to influence your decision. Your decision should be made based on what is best for you.

There are many members here who do choose to stay in their marriages/relationships. They have to accept that the relationships will not be all they bargained for, and if they can manage to adapt themselves by learning communication skills, and other coping techniques, can salvage the relationships. It's not easy, and unless the pwBPD gets appropriate therapy, the only choice we have is to make changes in our behaviors, as we cannot control anyone else. While you are in the decision making process, take a look at The Lessons on The Staying Board. Learn all you can about BPD and what you can do yourself to improve things. This way, whatever decision you ultimately make will be done with information and without guilt.

Best Wishes,

Val78