And the beat goes on...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am not sure when I last posted here.  Has probably been February?  March?

Today was not the first episode since I last posted but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today at the events that started my day.

Wife asked me to leave this morning.  Asked is not the right word.  Pleaded?  Demanded? 

That was part of her screaming at me for half an hour before I left to go to work.  Telling me I make her feel worthless (by not giving her the kind words she needs) and further that it doesn't matter how she asks... . quietly, loudly, from her knees or laying down... . I just refuse to do what she needs.

A few times during this session, she faked hitting me.  Startled me.  She seemed to either be doing it for just that purpose... . to scare me or to try to get me to fight back... . which I won't do.  But now I have been anxious all day.  It very much got to me.  All of this was with our 5yo sitting 20 feet away.  I hate that.  He is afraid of disappointing her.  He rejects me when she acts like this so she can see he is on her side.  Quite literally... . when she is yelling, he will run through, hit me and run back out.  Then, 15 seconds later, he will do it again.  I have been plastic light saber'ed to death.  This is the progression of his coping from what was originally going up to her, hugging her, and saying "I love you" when she yells.  Please note, I am not raising my voice in any of this. 

Everyone says "keep the kids away from it".  I don't control her.  I can't.  Every time I have taken steps to protect them from it, she escalates higher to get them back into her control.  Mostly the 5yo... . but all of them recognize the behavior and are afraid to oppose her or be comforted by me.

It is frustrating, exhausting, and depressing to deal with. 

[thefisherman]

I am not sure when I last posted here.  Has probably been February?  March?

Today was not the first episode since I last posted but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed today at the events that started my day.

Wife asked me to leave this morning.  Asked is not the right word.  Pleaded?  Demanded? 

That was part of her screaming at me for half an hour before I left to go to work.  Telling me I make her feel worthless (by not giving her the kind words she needs) and further that it doesn't matter how she asks... . quietly, loudly, from her knees or laying down... . I just refuse to do what she needs.

A few times during this session, she faked hitting me.  Startled me.  She seemed to either be doing it for just that purpose... . to scare me or to try to get me to fight back... . which I won't do.  But now I have been anxious all day.  It very much got to me.  All of this was with our 5yo sitting 20 feet away.  I hate that.  He is afraid of disappointing her.  He rejects me when she acts like this so she can see he is on her side.  Quite literally... . when she is yelling, he will run through, hit me and run back out.  Then, 15 seconds later, he will do it again.  I have been plastic light saber'ed to death.  This is the progression of his coping from what was originally going up to her, hugging her, and saying "I love you" when she yells.  Please note, I am not raising my voice in any of this. 

Everyone says "keep the kids away from it".  I don't control her.  I can't.  Every time I have taken steps to protect them from it, she escalates higher to get them back into her control.  Mostly the 5yo... . but all of them recognize the behavior and are afraid to oppose her or be comforted by me.

It is frustrating, exhausting, and depressing to deal with. 

[maxsterling]

I'm really sorry that you are experiencing this.  And even more heartbreaking to learn she is doing this in front of your 5 year old child, because exposure to this kind of behavior will negatively affect the development of a child.  It sounds like you are trying to do something about it - but nothing is working.  I can't really offer any suggestions right now other than when she acts that way to simply leave, or ask her to discuss things with you in another room or outside or someplace away from the children. 

[DreamGirl]

Did you move back in with her, fisherman?

Or are you still living separately?

[thefisherman]

I have been in the house since at least February.  Haven't consistently had a bed, but I have been in the house.  She got a part-time night job that has given me a lot of opportunity to get back a lot of time with my kiddos.  It also limits her appetite to argue late at night and gives her a chance to get out of the house, though I think she would prefer if it were at a more opportune time as far as her own sleep goes. 

Her perspective on me hasn't improved much, though she has had better control... .which i guess is odd that I say that.  She briefly attacked me about a month ago, pushing and slapping me and then the stuff I described earlier in this thread.  It is both tough to take and tough to leave.

[DreamGirl]

So were there any expectations to you moving back? From you? From her?

Still in counseling?

[thefisherman]

I think we both had and still have expectations.  Neither of us have fully live up to those expectations. 

Counseling has stopped all around for now.  She has not been to a counselor with or without me for more than 2 years, if I am recalling events correctly.  And she refuses every suggestion of it.  I was going last year and even earlier this year but have not for several months now.

Problem is, I have been unwilling to follow recommendations of the counselor.  Unhealthy as I am sure it is.  the recommendation?  Set boundaries that can not be crossed.  If they are crossed, file for divorce.  I state my boundaries.  She states why she thinks those boundaries are not reasonable.  She has crossed every boundary.  I have not filed for divorce.  Of course the other expectation that was/is a MUST according to everyone, is for her to get into counseling.  Since she flat out refuses, I am supposed to file for divorce. 

Why?  I am not sure entirely.  Stubborn.  Scared.  Comfortable with the situation I know.  All of those and financially broke and then plenty of my own faults too.

[DreamGirl]

So you're kinda stuck on the hamster wheel?

The only way to get off it... .is to well, get off it.

If you keep repeating the same patterns here, fisherman, the result is probably going to continue to be the same. You're telling her that what she's doing is acceptable (and telling the children that it's OK too) when you don't set the boundaries (like your therapist suggested) and enforce them. Logically you know all of this, but you're just not ready to commit either way - accept that this your life and make the best of it vs. leaving the marriage.  

It's a tough place to be. I know that you are battling your own fears here and if you stay, none of those fears come to fruition. But I also think that the hamster wheel will eventually be too tiring for you.

It's why I asked you about expectations. You seem to be caught up in the same stuff you were 7 months ago. Did moving back into together solve anything? Make things worse? What was the ultimate goal in moving back in together?

~DreamGirl

[thefisherman]

The interim goal was to re-establish the patterns of daily physical interaction with my kids.  That goal has been met and my position with them improved past what it was before moving out.

The long term goal was to improve the relationship so it has good qualities for both of us.  Seems I am unable to do that with just the level of support she is willing to give.  Which tells me the goal is not a complete goal, in that I have not established an alternate path that ends the spinning or a timescale to when milestones must be met or the plug pulled.

I have turned into jello.  I just sit there... .wiggle a little if you poke me but I eventually just sit there.

[DreamGirl]

So do you want to be Jello?

Or do you want to be something else?

[thefisherman]

So do you want to be Jello?

Or do you want to be something else?

Sigh... .something other than jello.

[DreamGirl]

So do you want to be Jello?

Or do you want to be something else?

Sigh... .something other than jello.

So you gotta either accept your jiggly ways... .

Or do something about it.