His behavior never ceases to confuse me.

[pecia]

Well the husband and I had a wedding to go to this weekend. It went ok. He was at least polite to me. Once we got back home -he went back to ignoring me- which I was ok with because at least it wasn't rage. Then we resumed our work week. I didn't get any texts from him until about 2 am (he should have been asleep). He raged and raged. He did his usual rant about my emotional affair. He claims that he is moving of by the end of this month ( a reoccurring theme). Then he tells me that he read my journal (which I figured he would) and that he is amazed that I lie to myself. He kept reiterating that he is aware that he gets no say in my personal life if he leaves. He then went back on the "you are a whore and you discust me" rant. I just let him ramble. I told him I under stand why he would feel that way and that I loved him and wanted him to heal- even if that meant we had to split up. He just kept on and on. He eventually got tired and fell asleep. I went to bed when I got home. This afternoon when it was time to get up- be crawled in bed and snuggled with me then initiated sex. I went along with it but I wasn't very enthusiastic about it - given 6 hrs prior to that he said I disgusted him. He told me how beautiful I am (which seems to be his monthly lure me back in phrase ) but it is starting to lose its potency. I have just been trying to remain calm and detached. He ignored me for the rest of the afternoon and then went out on the town tonight. I was just glad for some peace and quiet actually. Sorry I just needed to vent

[LynnieRe]

Oh I know your life.  Right now I have a situation where we have agreed, amicably, to split. 

Actually he's been saying for months when he gets a GF, I'm gonna be mad.  Well, he's been threatening that for a while, and I'm beyond getting mad.  He wants a jealous rage.  It's not going to happen.  We have broken up 3 times this year.  THREE.  He has made some steps, he's in therapy, he's on medication, he is growing.  And I want him to.  However, I want to panic and beg cause I don't want him to go, but that feeds the cycle.  So I'm not freaking on him and I'm telling him it's ok to go.  Of course, being supportive and wanting him to get better is kind of being misread as I'm pushing him out and I'm wanting another relationship, when, he's already in one, come to find out TODAY!

[pecia]

Lynniere, thanks for replying. I know it feeds the cycle. But it is very hard to refrain from flying into a jealous rage. I don't have anyone outside of the marriage. He has several "friends" he talks to - and apparently buys jewelry for... . I digress. I guess I have decided he best way to try and save my relationship is to detach. I have been with him for 18 yrs so u have to believe that at some point I meant something real to him. I think he loves me I. The only way he can. My poor responses have just encouraged the bad behavior. I am really working on not rewarding it. I know he must feel some shame for what he has done to me. I know he must be terrified that I will leave. So I will not leave him but I am no longer accepting his punishment. And finally after months of nonstop chaos it is occurring to me finally that I would survive him leaving. Maybe even find another love one day. Sad part is that I am very attached to this one. It makes it very hard.

[LynnieRe]

Me too.  and we have a child.  but she only wants to see him when I'm around, as she feels afraid of his moods, and she feels "put down" by him.  Yesterday was the worst.  He's already found someone, but he's telling me I told him to go and do this.  I watched him text her the entire time I was there.  The only civil discussion came when he told me his plans with his "friends" and asked me to leave early so his mother's friends wouldn't see me.  Last week we went away and he didn't have the money to cover some of the expenses so he asked me to do it. 

His daughter, who has BPD herself, doesn't want him in her life.  and she doesn't want him with me. 

[Siamese Rescue]

I almost didn't reply because I have no worthy advice.  Just an observation. Life is so short and can turn on a dime. It's heartbreaking to read your original post. My life is screwed up.  I allowed myself to become involved with my ex BPD bf again and it's pure agony. I wish we weren't living under these conditions because time just ticks away.

[pecia]

Siamese rescue, thanks for replying. I am sorry you are are in the same crappy boat that I am. It is easy to get lured back in. My BPDh treats me horrible most of the time but I just wait around like a fool for some small sign that there is a small piece of humanity left in him. I know our relationship will never be stable and loving like it would with a normal man. I just don't know anything else so it makes it easier to cope with. My life has always been dramatic. Sometimes I think I wouldn't know how to deal with a normal relationship. The lessons on here have helped some. Now I just ignore his cutting comments and don't let them get to me. I have stopped hanging onto my resentment so that I am able to enjoy it when he is nice to me. Maybe in time he will learn to heal as well. My hope is that I will be a positive role model for him and that it will make him want to stop hurting me and cheating on me.

[LynnieRe]

pecia, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news.  However it may never get better.  Even if he gets the help he needs.  My BPDbf got help, went to therapy, got meds for his other issues, is healthier and better looking and calmer than ever.  And someone messaged him on FB that he hadn't seen in a while, and yesterday he admitted he's been seeing her for a while and "was afraid to tell me"

I was calm, I was pleasant, we talked.  He wants us to stay friends and coparent our child in a positive manner, but I was no longer a part of his life.  I ran with it.  I don't know if it was God or whatever force in me, but I as gracious and as positive as I could be and I told him to go do what he wants and I hope for the best for him.  This is part of his getting his life together and getting sober, figuring out what he wants. 

I haven't slept since the last time I saw him, and the fact that he could just go sleep with someone while I'm working and just forget totally me and everything we've done and said to each other and all we've been through in the last year ALONE!  just has me physically ill.  And that's the cycle.  But this time, I've met some nice people, I have good friends, and I need to cultivate those relationships. 

My daughter has been ill, she has her own BPD issues, and a new issue with possible Bipolar.  I asked him if he wanted to see her and he said "no, I don't think she wants me now" and told me instead he had a date with his new woman.  He told me to tell his daughter that he loved her and would see her soon. 

This is how it goes.  There is never any stability.  I am on leave for my job, my daughter is suicidal and facing mental illness issues herself, I am broke from paying his bills, and he has left me for someone he met a week ago while I was at work.  Working overtime I might add. 

This is not the life that any of us were taught to live.  My house growing up too Pecia was chaotic, but my parents grew up, outgrew their childhood ways, learned to put each other first and raised their children in a stable home.  He's over 40 and it's still the same cycle. 

I can't do it anymore, and I'm not putting my child in it. 

At some point, detach.  Develop your own life and hobbies.  Get outside interests so you can breathe. 

And don't force it anymore.  Let the universe go where it should.  And keep yourself together.