So freaking worn out.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

First of all, thank you to who ever reads this as it will mean so much to have your input and advice.

My wife and I have been married for just under 3 years.  When we first dated, it was great, we had the same Christian beliefs and were so happy... . she left to go overseas doing mission work for a year, and I left shortly thereafter and did the same in a different part of the world.  We communicated over email and skype for that year... . it seemed great, and I believe now that the feelings of love were intensified due to the distance apart.  When I got back, she was back in the States and ready for marriage immediately.  I resisted as we had only been on the same continent for 5 months prior to us both leaving the States.  It was a rough time coming back for both of us, the adjustment to each other and to 1st world life... . this is when things began to change. 

She was very upset that I was withdrawn a bit from the relationship, I felt the pressure to get married and just wanted some time to be in the same place and really get to know each other.  She broke up with me and I missed her so much and we got back together after a month of being apart.  I thought much of her dissatisfaction with me was because she wanted to be married to me... . and that would "fix" her negative undertones that she had begun to express to me.

We got engaged and it all started to go down hill from there.  First, the proposal wasn't romantic enough and didn't sweep her off her feet like she had dreamed it would.  She became so upset that when my mother and her family came in town to celebrate two days after the engagement she wouldn't answer my phone calls.  I ended up taking my mother to dinner, embarrassed that my new fiance didn't even show up to greet her and celebrate with her and her family.

Once we got married she was continually upset with me.  She couldn't stand my family, she said my relationship with my mother was not healthy, my relationship with my brother was only on his terms (not true), my sister-in-law was mean and so on and so on. 

Christmas two years ago was the giant explosion.  My wife was distant, not talking to anyone in my family, looking at her phone all night.  She was being so anti-social, at dinner she wouldn't engage anyone in conversation, kept her head down and would only give one word answers... . after dinner my sister-in-law pulled her aside and asked why she was sensing so much tension between them and it eventually it escalated into a full blown argument.  My sister-in-law apologized the next day but it wasn't good enough.  My wife went into full blown hate-mode on my family.  It was my moms fault for allowing my sister-in-law to "berate" her, it was my fault for not "protecting" her.

I didn't see my brother for 1 year and 9 months or his newborn son for a year after that Christmas explosion.  My wife called every person in my family awful names.  She directed hate and blame and shame towards me.  She has continually called me names and texts me hundreds (literally) of text messages while I'm at work, blaming me for all that is wrong in our marriage.  She tells me I am just a little boy and that I'm not a man... . despite the fact that I make a good living, and have started my own business, and earned two degrees.  The names she has called me would probably get this post taken down if you get my drift.  She has blamed me for infertility (medically the problem is with her), she has accused me of having an affair which has never even come close to happening.  But she has told me that she should go out to a bar and cheat on me if she ever wanted to.  It's sad but I just don't think I can fully communicate the way she has twisted my words and never forgiven me for one thing ever.  I used to try and apologize for whatever it was that I had done thinking that I was wrong... . but she never moved past it, she can't forgive, she just remembers everything and files it away to use against me at some point in the future.  I find my self arguing over things that happened three years ago that I have apologized for so many times.  This goes on and on.  She puts me in the negative position in our relationship for almost everything and it feels like I can't have an opinion about so many things because it's already been stated that I am the problem for whatever we are talking about, ie children, family, sex, where we live, friends etc.

She demanded that we adopt children and I put my foot down and told her that we have to get the problems in our marriage worked out before we have children.  We have been to 4 different therapists, one of which called me and told me he wouldn't work with her anymore because she wasn't participating with the therapy after she sent him two emails blasting me for various things and blaming me for being a passive husband that won't lead our family.  She has told me that I am holding her desire to have a family hostage so that "I can do what I want".

I agreed to go to adoption classes if she would go to marriage counseling.  She agreed to this, but before the classes were completed, the adoption agency informed us they wouldn't be working with us due to class observation and information they had discovered in interview with references.  I was blamed for sabotaging the adoption process even though she shamed me in front of the entire class various times.  We got into a huge fight were she demanded that we be divorced and she lost complete control, she broke things in our house and was throwing things at me and punched me in the face.  I left immediately without touching her.  I admit I have lost my cool at times and screamed and yelled but never touched her in a harmful way.  A man can only take so much. 

After the rejection from the adoption agency things have steadily gone further down hill.  Currently we are not communicating and I have been staying at friends house.  I told her I wouldn't put up with the blaming, shaming and name calling anymore.  Of course she says that that is me blaming her for everything wrong in our marriage.  I have finally reconnected with my family and have opened up to friends about the state of our marriage.  I always tried to hide what was going on in our home because I didn't want to dishonor her by telling people about how she acted.  But now it is just too much.  I seriously think she has twisted my way of thinking... . I always think that all the problems are my fault.  She sprinkles in just enough truth to confuse me... . I now am just wondering what to do... . I never thought I would be divorced at 31 but I just can't see how we can ever move forward.

I've read and read about BPD but don't know how to bring it up with her as I think that would blow the roof of the whole thing... . I fear what she might do if I told her I thought that she was struggling with a mental disorder.  Her family is full of bipolar and mood disorders and she was diagnosed with a "mild" mood disorder before we were married but she somehow detaches her behavior from that.  I read "stop walking on eggshells" in my car on lunch breaks... . it blew my mind how accurate everything was minus a few of the indicators.  She had a suicide attempt in high school but has never threatened herself sense we have been married.  I just don't know what to do.  Where do my responsibilities end as a caring and loving husband and just get out?  I can't imagine a lifetime with this type of unpredictable behavior.  I'm just so tired and don't know what to do.  I care so much for her, but I feel that when we get into arguments, I'm the only one that walks away feeling like hell.

Someone please tell me you've figured out when to call it quits or help me find a way to discuss BPD with her.

[CAD_50]

First of all, thank you to who ever reads this as it will mean so much to have your input and advice.

My wife and I have been married for just under 3 years.  When we first dated, it was great, we had the same Christian beliefs and were so happy... . she left to go overseas doing mission work for a year, and I left shortly thereafter and did the same in a different part of the world.  We communicated over email and skype for that year... . it seemed great, and I believe now that the feelings of love were intensified due to the distance apart.  When I got back, she was back in the States and ready for marriage immediately.  I resisted as we had only been on the same continent for 5 months prior to us both leaving the States.  It was a rough time coming back for both of us, the adjustment to each other and to 1st world life... . this is when things began to change. 

She was very upset that I was withdrawn a bit from the relationship, I felt the pressure to get married and just wanted some time to be in the same place and really get to know each other.  She broke up with me and I missed her so much and we got back together after a month of being apart.  I thought much of her dissatisfaction with me was because she wanted to be married to me... . and that would "fix" her negative undertones that she had begun to express to me.

We got engaged and it all started to go down hill from there.  First, the proposal wasn't romantic enough and didn't sweep her off her feet like she had dreamed it would.  She became so upset that when my mother and her family came in town to celebrate two days after the engagement she wouldn't answer my phone calls.  I ended up taking my mother to dinner, embarrassed that my new fiance didn't even show up to greet her and celebrate with her and her family.

Once we got married she was continually upset with me.  She couldn't stand my family, she said my relationship with my mother was not healthy, my relationship with my brother was only on his terms (not true), my sister-in-law was mean and so on and so on. 

Christmas two years ago was the giant explosion.  My wife was distant, not talking to anyone in my family, looking at her phone all night.  She was being so anti-social, at dinner she wouldn't engage anyone in conversation, kept her head down and would only give one word answers... . after dinner my sister-in-law pulled her aside and asked why she was sensing so much tension between them and it eventually it escalated into a full blown argument.  My sister-in-law apologized the next day but it wasn't good enough.  My wife went into full blown hate-mode on my family.  It was my moms fault for allowing my sister-in-law to "berate" her, it was my fault for not "protecting" her.

I didn't see my brother for 1 year and 9 months or his newborn son for a year after that Christmas explosion.  My wife called every person in my family awful names.  She directed hate and blame and shame towards me.  She has continually called me names and texts me hundreds (literally) of text messages while I'm at work, blaming me for all that is wrong in our marriage.  She tells me I am just a little boy and that I'm not a man... . despite the fact that I make a good living, and have started my own business, and earned two degrees.  The names she has called me would probably get this post taken down if you get my drift.  She has blamed me for infertility (medically the problem is with her), she has accused me of having an affair which has never even come close to happening.  But she has told me that she should go out to a bar and cheat on me if she ever wanted to.  It's sad but I just don't think I can fully communicate the way she has twisted my words and never forgiven me for one thing ever.  I used to try and apologize for whatever it was that I had done thinking that I was wrong... . but she never moved past it, she can't forgive, she just remembers everything and files it away to use against me at some point in the future.  I find my self arguing over things that happened three years ago that I have apologized for so many times.  This goes on and on.  She puts me in the negative position in our relationship for almost everything and it feels like I can't have an opinion about so many things because it's already been stated that I am the problem for whatever we are talking about, ie children, family, sex, where we live, friends etc.

She demanded that we adopt children and I put my foot down and told her that we have to get the problems in our marriage worked out before we have children.  We have been to 4 different therapists, one of which called me and told me he wouldn't work with her anymore because she wasn't participating with the therapy after she sent him two emails blasting me for various things and blaming me for being a passive husband that won't lead our family.  She has told me that I am holding her desire to have a family hostage so that "I can do what I want".

I agreed to go to adoption classes if she would go to marriage counseling.  She agreed to this, but before the classes were completed, the adoption agency informed us they wouldn't be working with us due to class observation and information they had discovered in interview with references.  I was blamed for sabotaging the adoption process even though she shamed me in front of the entire class various times.  We got into a huge fight were she demanded that we be divorced and she lost complete control, she broke things in our house and was throwing things at me and punched me in the face.  I left immediately without touching her.  I admit I have lost my cool at times and screamed and yelled but never touched her in a harmful way.  A man can only take so much. 

After the rejection from the adoption agency things have steadily gone further down hill.  Currently we are not communicating and I have been staying at friends house.  I told her I wouldn't put up with the blaming, shaming and name calling anymore.  Of course she says that that is me blaming her for everything wrong in our marriage.  I have finally reconnected with my family and have opened up to friends about the state of our marriage.  I always tried to hide what was going on in our home because I didn't want to dishonor her by telling people about how she acted.  But now it is just too much.  I seriously think she has twisted my way of thinking... . I always think that all the problems are my fault.  She sprinkles in just enough truth to confuse me... . I now am just wondering what to do... . I never thought I would be divorced at 31 but I just can't see how we can ever move forward.

I've read and read about BPD but don't know how to bring it up with her as I think that would blow the roof of the whole thing... . I fear what she might do if I told her I thought that she was struggling with a mental disorder.  Her family is full of bipolar and mood disorders and she was diagnosed with a "mild" mood disorder before we were married but she somehow detaches her behavior from that.  I read "stop walking on eggshells" in my car on lunch breaks... . it blew my mind how accurate everything was minus a few of the indicators.  She had a suicide attempt in high school but has never threatened herself sense we have been married.  I just don't know what to do.  Where do my responsibilities end as a caring and loving husband and just get out?  I can't imagine a lifetime with this type of unpredictable behavior.  I'm just so tired and don't know what to do.  I care so much for her, but I feel that when we get into arguments, I'm the only one that walks away feeling like hell.

Someone please tell me you've figured out when to call it quits or help me find a way to discuss BPD with her.

[Surnia]

 

Cad_50

So sorry to hear about your very difficult relationship! And yes, it can be mind blowing to read "walking on eggshells" to see that there is a pattern and that many others are dealing with the same.

Great you found this board. It is so important to have a place to share. Quite often we get more and more isolated in a marriage like yours.

As for your question about telling your wife: A difficult question. Perhaps this workshop could be interesting for you: PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD.

Beside this: I would recommend you to read some parts of the Lessons from the Staying board.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I hope this helps a bit as a starter. 

[CAD_50]

Surnia, thank you so much for the links!  I'll definitely be checking these out. 

[Surnia]

 

You are welcome, CAD_50

Feel free to ask more questions, we are here for you.

[Washisheart]

I don't know how long we are supposed to fight to save a relationship for. I believe everyone has a breaking point and sooner or later, everyone gets tired of the insults & redicule, condescending behavior.

My uBPDfiance spent three years blaming me for not getting pregnant. I was in birth control, or had my tubes tied and wouldn't tell him. It was his excuse for cheating on me it was his excuse for leaving me. When he came back around last time I made him take a fertility test and his tanks have no soldiers. The self hatred and personal disappointment I went threw for not being able to give my man the one thing he wanted most flew right out the window. However, do you think he appreciates my sacrifice being with him knowing I won't have any more kids? No. Not at all.

No one in my life likes the way he talks to me. They all think he's a (donkey). He's immature.

I've gotten to the point now that when he talks I pretend I don't hear what he's saying. Alot if the time I really don't because I am not paying him any mind.

My heart wants him to be my best friend again. My brain says give up

[yeager1003]

So much of this is familiar, painfully familiar. The rages, the accusations and name calling and smothering jealousy for nothing at all. The turning against my family, the devaluation of me and anyone close to me. The constant criticisms and put downs and the total lack of empathy. I remember fights that lasted well over four or five hours, sometimes till 3 or 4 in the morning, me feeling helpless and trapped while she verbally abused me, accusing me of being the most despicable person on the planet. I know what it's like, man. I've been there.

I hang in. I don't know why sometimes. Or maybe I do. Our son is almost 17. In a couple of years, he'll be off to college. Right now he's having some serious medical issues and I just can't imagine him dealing with his parents splitting on top of that. I wrestle with feelings of failure, of being stupid and naive, of wasting years on a unhealthy relationship I had no hope of fixing. Living with a pwBPD can feel like a prison sentence with no possibility of parole. 

[CAD_50]

yeager1003, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Hearing the things you have gone through make my anxiety go up just like it does when I walk in my own house.  I hope you can find a way not to beat yourself up over failures and feeling like your stupid.  I don't see how many men would be able to deal with BPD type abuse and not feel that way... . but it's not your fault.  I commend you for sticking it out with your sons well being in mind.  I hope his medical issues can be resolved, I'll be praying for you and your family.

[blurry]

Cad, in my experience, you call it quits the second you see the BPD behavior, the illness is incurable. Of couse I don't follow my own advice. Also, at one point, back when I was at my wits end, I made my wife, during one of her recycles of me, when she was in the midst of 5 weeks of begging me to come back, "apparently" at my mercy, I point blank told her she was BPD, I didn't ask her or suggest maybe she was, I told her. She accepted it and promised to get in therapy. Of course, soon as I get back, between the short lived honeymoon phase and outside drama/issues, she never got in therapy.

Anyway, second part of your question, BPD are well known for denying the need for therapy, or if you somehow get them in it, the chances are not good that they're gonna stay in it. They wont even stay in our relationships half the time, why would they stay in therapy? denial, lack of commitment, stunted emotions... .

Of course I'm no expert, just my thoughts on the subject from my chaotic, insane experience with this. I feel like in the future, if I ever run into another BPD, I will be sure not to catch feelings, that's the only way I can see a relationship like this working, and what kind of a relationship is one where you have zero expectations, no trust, and refuse to catch feelings in?

[purpleavocado]

Cad, I really feel for you. I also struggled with how much was too much and how long was enough.

My ex had the same issues with my family and was completely irrational about it. When we visited, which was rare because I moved far away to be with her, it was always tense and awkward and she would rail on me for not "protecting her enough" and "not making her a priority." She was so convincing I would always return home with her feeling completely guilty and awful, but looking back on it, the whole thing was a mind control game. Of course her family was painted white even though they were *in reality* pretty unkind to me. If I said one word about this of course I became the villian.

They do all of this because it serves them. And the longer your'e in the situation, the murkier it becomes. If you are unhappy and you don't see it getting any better, do not be ashamed to leave. You deserve to be happy, and people with this illness are not conducive to happiness for their partners unless they commit to getting better... which she isn't doing. You both have responsibilities to your spouse, and she is not living up to her end.