So, today is DS birthday, But after last night...

[Venusmaria]

I can't even find it in me to say Happy Birthday to him.  He turns 14 today.  Yesterday was the 2nd day of school and he decided to not come home.  I had no idea where he was, and after several hours called the police yet again.  (In the last 6 months I have had to do this 7 times because he takes off) 

Well, when they found him this time, he tried to tell them how much my fiancé and I don't care about him, and basically insinuated that he was abused. 

Then this morning he snuck out before I was awake.  I am a light sleeper, but he is very sneaky and quiet when he wants to be!  I called the school and he did show up, but I am just feeling at a loss.  My mother is still in denial and making excuses for his every behavior, my fiancé is at his breaking point and wants nothing to do with him.  And I am empty, completely and absolutely empty.  On the one hand I Love him more than life, and on the other hand he makes me sick inside and at the same time like a total failure as a parent.

How do you keep hoping and moving forward when you feel like there is nothing left?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello VenusMaria,

So very glad that you are here on the site and the Supporting Board. 

I have walked in your shoes with my daughter.  She is 16 now and was dx with "emerging BPD" officially at age 12 amongst other disorders (odd, mdd).  Like your son, outpatient therapy was ineffective for her... . very effective for me.  Did you and your son attend therapy together?

Happy to report that my d is now 16, 17 next month and doing very well.  We took the bull by the horns and got her the help she needed.  What resources are you able to access?  How can we help you begin the process of moving in a more deliberate and positive direction regarding his treatment?

Can we answer any questions you may have about BPD in teens and how to cope?

We are here to help you and your son.

lbjnltx

[Venusmaria]

His last hospitalization was in May, when they started him on Zoloft and Clonidine.  They have been trying to treat his anxiety in hopes that he would start to open up in therapy.  it hasn't worked.  We have done family therapy and he refuses to participate.  I am currently on a wait list to see someone myself just because between dealing with him and my 7 yr old son who has Autism, I am now having panic attacks and can't think straight most of the time.

We have an emergency apt with his Psychiatrist today and I am hoping she will try some new meds or have some options for us, but honestly between both my childrens dx'es I have been unabl to work for several yrs now and $ is a key factor.  How do you find residential treatment when you have no $ to pay for it?

And is residential treatment the answer?  I just feel like I don't know what to do anymore. 

I am willing to hear any suggestions

[lbjnltx]

Good questions VenusMaria

Meds can sometimes help level them out enough to benefit from therapy and they are not the answer to all the problems... . they are part of the bigger treatment picture.

RTC can be effective for kids who refuse to participate in outpatient recovery/treatment.  That is the route we took.  The key is to find the place where he will benefit and take hold of his recovery.  That process can be long and arduous ... . I did it full time for over a month before I found the place that was a perfect fit for my daughter.

Once the place is identified getting funding is the next step.  Placement in the wrong program can do more harm than good.  Most families get funding through their public school district through the IEP process.  This is a difficult course to navigate for some parents and easier for others.  Does your son have an IEP at school? 

Here is a link to a thread that discusses this process:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198796.0

[Venusmaria]

No, I have been trying for the past 5 yrs to get him an IEP, and everytime we do testing or meet they tell me he doesn't qualify for one.  He does have a 504 plan though.  I have argued with them so much, because I don't understand why his Dx'es alone shouldn't qualify him.  he has half the darn alphabet after his name.  ADHD, ODD, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Unspecified mood disorder.  (And I truly believe BPD)

[lbjnltx]

No, I have been trying for the past 5 yrs to get him an IEP, and everytime we do testing or meet they tell me he doesn't qualify for one.  He does have a 504 plan though.  I have argued with them so much, because I don't understand why his Dx'es alone shouldn't qualify him.  he has half the darn alphabet after his name.  ADHD, ODD, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Unspecified mood disorder.  (And I truly believe BPD)

Can you get his psychiatrist/therapists to help intervene on his behalf with the school district?

[raytamtay3]

I can't even find it in me to say Happy Birthday to him.  He turns 14 today.  Yesterday was the 2nd day of school and he decided to not come home.  I had no idea where he was, and after several hours called the police yet again.  (In the last 6 months I have had to do this 7 times because he takes off) 

Well, when they found him this time, he tried to tell them how much my fiancé and I don't care about him, and basically insinuated that he was abused. 

Then this morning he snuck out before I was awake.  I am a light sleeper, but he is very sneaky and quiet when he wants to be!  I called the school and he did show up, but I am just feeling at a loss.  My mother is still in denial and making excuses for his every behavior, my fiancé is at his breaking point and wants nothing to do with him.  And I am empty, completely and absolutely empty.  On the one hand I Love him more than life, and on the other hand he makes me sick inside and at the same time like a total failure as a parent.

How do you keep hoping and moving forward when you feel like there is nothing left?

No advice just hugs   as I'm going through it too, and I'm new to the site and still learning. My DD turns 14 Saturday.

[Venusmaria]

Thank you for all your support!  Yesterday was a very rough day.  He was admitted into a psychiatric hospital, where they will assess him and try new meds.  The one they are talking about right now is abilify.  And we are talking about the possibility of residential treatment after this.  I hate the thought of not having him home with me, but I can NOT continue to live this way either.

Is there anything I should push for that I might not think of?

[Being Mindful]

Thank you for all your support!  Yesterday was a very rough day.  He was admitted into a psychiatric hospital, where they will assess him and try new meds.  The one they are talking about right now is abilify.  And we are talking about the possibility of residential treatment after this.  I hate the thought of not having him home with me, but I can NOT continue to live this way either.

Is there anything I should push for that I might not think of?

Hello Venumaria,

Yes, there is something you could push for. As lbj indicated the right residential treatment program is key. Don't take what they say as the only option. You need to thoroughly look at programs and determine what is the best one for your son. The wrong treatment center can do more harm than good. Start your own research right away. Being Mindful

[Venusmaria]

I have been spending a lot of time looking into different places, but there aren't very many here in Maine.  I was offered "virtual residential" but I CAN NOT have people in my home all the time,  my youngest with Autism would never tolerate it and that would just make matters worse, so my options are very limited, but I put a few calls out today and hopefully I will get to talk to some different places before the meeting at the hospital on Monday

[lbjnltx]

Where a place is located is not the first on priority lists... . find the best program regardless of location and work from there.  I would also look at programs that have Positive Peer Culture as their peer accountability model.  There is a "brother/sister" facility to the one my daughter attended that is co ed... . Red Rock Canyon in St George Utah.  Excellent staff, I worked with many of them interchangeably at Falcon Ridge (all girls).

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crumblingdad]

If you have DX of PTSD, Anxiety etc there is absolutely no way he shouldn't qualify for an IEP.  I would involve psychiatrist and psychologists/therapists with writing a letter if you haven't already.  I would also appeal any such decision that says he doesn't qualify and appeal the appeals if that doesn't work.  Have you gone tried either approach?

We went through the same thing with our DD16 initially with our school system and they said no but wrote a lengthy appeal letter to them and we were simultaneously doing a Child in Need of Services(CHINS) petition.  Luckily her JPPO got wind that they had denied the IEP and was incredulous (and pretty irritated by it) and stepped in and called the school's special ed coordinator just about same time I sent some pointed letters telling them I was appealing the decision and they almost immediately reversed it and suddenly became attentive.

An IEP is an expensive situation for schools strapped with cash and they will be happy to deny it if they think they can get away with it.  They usually have a different twist when they realize you are going to start throwing a fit and appealing.

If you can find a way to get one it may open the door to some better treatment possibilities.

You may also want to consider a CHINS petition - I assume Maine may have such a program but not sure - you could contact the local DHHS/CFS office and ask about it as another option.

[Being Mindful]

We too had to push for an IEP and push hard. School systems have a hard time "seeing" IEP's for our mentally ill kids. They just don't get it. Appeal and appeal. Do whatever it takes to get visibility and approval. We went to our superintendent with our several inch file of evaluations, treatment plans, including documentation of interactions with school officials. He couldn't believe it. He cleared the path and became our best advocate for the years to come.

[Kate4queen]

Interesting about the IEP's this might sound cynical but in our old California school district, which was the best large public school district in the country they would give almost any kid a 504 or IEP just to get them off the school stats so their test scores looked better.

Unbelievable but true My DD who is 11 (and is not BPD)  had an IEP and spent 25% of her school day in Resource. Recently moved to a different state and testing put her absolutely at grade level in all classes. Actually 3 of my kids ended up with IEP's the only one who didn't qualify unfortunately was my oldest, my Aspie who really could've done with the help.

So keep pushing for one, it's your right.

[vivekananda]

Hi Venusmaria,

It is so hard to be a mom to a 14 yr old boy with BPD. You have experienced a mountain of hurt. Now that you have found us all, I hope you can feel a bit easier.   

I just wanted to let you know I am here too. You are getting excellent advice from others, no need for more from me 

please take care of yourself,

Vivek    

[Venusmaria]

Thank you, Everyone!

Well the decided to NOT change his meds and he does NOT meet the criteria for Residential.  They are discharging him tomorrow morning against my wishes.  He told me straight out he doesn't want to live here with my Fiance' (we have been together 9 yrs and he has been an excellent step Dad, but my son doesn't want to follow the rules of the house). 

So, this entire hospital stay was a huge waste of time.  They just keep pushing us to repeat more of the same inhome supports that we have tried repeatedly. 

Then to top everything off my 7 yr old (dx Autism) said he doesn't want his brother to come home cuz he's "a big bully"... .

Feeling lost and empty yet again... .Do you all ever feel like you are beating your head against the same damn wall in hopes of finally breaking through it?

[lbjnltx]

Just another route to explore... .may or may not pan out for your family... .there are a great deal of resources and programs for the families of people with autism... .do you have a family advocate?  can you check and see if they have any programs that your son (s) could benefit from?

BTW... .is it the hospital that says he doesn't meet the criteria for rtc or the school district?  One focuses on "medically necessary" the other "academically necessary"... .2 different ball parks.

[Venusmaria]

Both school district and hospital!  And yes we have a lot of programs for our Autistic son, but my other son (BPD) I can't seem to get services for that help

[vivekananda]

Hi Venusmaria   

I can't give you feedback about the system you work within for your ds with BPD. I do expect that you would be struggling with the boundaries that you have set and that this is likely to be causing you and your dh a lot of worry. I expect that you are familiar with how to validate your son also, but find that a challenge in the circumstances. It is possible to look at your situation with a long term view and a short term one too. I expect you have been focussed on the immediacy of the short term. From the distance where I am, I can also see the long term.

You are probably familiar with the concept that teenage brains are undergoing considerable change as they develop into adulthood. You are also probably familiar with the idea that BPD is a deficiency in neural pathways between the amygdala (emotion part of the brain) and the pre frontal cortex (logic part of the brain). And that these teen years are an important time to effect change to improve those neural pathways. BPD is manifest with dysfunctional behaviours and if we can teach better behaviours with our own behaviours as a model and take advantage of any teaching opportunities, then as hard as it may be, it is where we should also channel our energies.

I would like to suggest to you two books. They are not about BPD but are about the two tools we use here to help us improve our relationships with our children. They are excellent starts to the technique of Boundary setting and Validation. They come highly recommended and I believe you will find them enormously helpful. Also, a generalist book on BPD is an excellent start to coming to grips with what this disorder is and the one I recommend to you also has chapters on Boundary setting and Validation. I understand you are exhausted and want more immediate answers, but I think it would prove helpful to be also considering the longer term and I think you would find great support in these books.

1) "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend

2) "You don't have to make everything all better" by G & J Lundsberg

3) "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr

Now, Venusmaria, do you have any support system for yourself in this? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you a part of a BPD support group?

take care

Vivek      

[Venusmaria]

Thank you Vivek ananda  ,  I will get those books asap. 

I try to look at the long term, but it all seems so bleak its hard.

I have been waitlisted for counseling myself, I live in a small community so there are not a ton of options.  I have been unable to find a BPD support group but our case manager is looking for me as well.

my ds gets discharged tomorrow and I am taking him to my fathers, where he will stay for about a week.  My father wants to talk with him and spend some time with him, I figure it can't make anything worse at this point and it will give me a little more time to regroup and move forward with the next step whatever that ends up being. 

[vivekananda]

I can hear how sad you feel. Venusmaria, I know it sounds bleak but the perspective of distance tells me there is hope. My concern right now is how you find the strength to get through the short term.

I would like to suggest three things:

1) get a cd that has a relaxation meditation. Take it to beside your bed and go to sleep with it each night. Also, use during the day whenever you feel you need and can.

2) in the week you have, begin the practice of just sitting with good posture, eyes almost closed and concentrate on just breathing in and out for 5 mins. Try to slow your breathe down, relax your shoulders, your tummy etc. This is a mindfulness practice and is so good. the idea is to think of nothing and when a thought comes into your mind, just let it go away again.

3) Be prepared for a learning curve that is steep. There are resources here on validation and boundaries you can read while you get the books. We are here to support and guide you, use us. When I felt like you do, I totally immersed myself in learning as much as I could. It was a real challenge, but it made a difference to me.

Finally, I'm sure you know this 'prayer': "give me the strength to change what I can, to accept what I can't and the wisdom to learn the difference between the two."

What do you think you can change Venusmaria?

thinking of you and sending best wishes,

Vivek    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders