GUILT

[Abigayle]

It has been 2 months now since my BPDh has seen our 4yr old daughter. I have been trying for those two months to come to a visitation agreement. The last court date was this Tuesday - his lawyer and mine drew up an agreement that we both agreed to sign the next day in front of the judge. He came in on Wednesday and refused. Part of me is glad because I had made some concessions that I really did not want to make. But part of me is just dying with guilt. If I hadn't seen our d4 in that amount of time I would be beside myself.

The reason I have been withholding is because in the beginning of the split he had her and rather than caring for her he sent me a 2 hr barrage of text messages including one that said 'if he wanted to, he could just change the locks and keep her from me.' That is when I drew the line and as soon as I had her back I went and got a lawyer. He was served with a complaint the next week and ever since then he could have responded legally but refuses to. Keeps calling me and emailing that he doesn't want to go through the courts. I keep referring him back to my lawyer or not answering. His behavior has been really scary and erratic for the past 6 months and I have been so worried the times he did have her. Then I would get her back from an overnight stay in the clothes from the day before, dirty, hungry, stating that she didn't need a mommy, etc.

I have been encouraged that my actions are in the best interest of me and my child by my parents friends lawyer and counselor but I still feel bad. I just hate this but I am afraid of him and don't know how else I can proceed. If he really wanted to see her wouldn't he be willing to come up with some type of agreement? I think he is just using her to hurt me.  Ugh. This process is absolute hell. I can't even believe that I am here right now. In my parents house with little more than the clothes I left with, my dogs and my d4. Jumping every time the phone rings, being painted black all over facebook and any other venue he can access, being hated by his family for 'stealing his child'. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I'm just never going to wake up.

Apologies for the ramble. And the poor use of abbreviations - I will learn.

[momtara]

Welcome.  I am in a similar situation that I've been posting about.  My hubby is not overtly abusive to our young kids, but does things to get back at me and I worry when they're with him.  I managed to avoid psych evals and custody evaluations because he got a few overnights per month and we agreed to a parenting plan.  But still, when he is raging, I am worried he might hurt the kids to get back at me.

It may be comforting to know that this is a common fear of moms and usually proves unfounded.  That said, it's good to be vigilant.  I'm sure during the marriage you learned to read and react to your hubby to protect both of you.  That experience will help you now.

As for him agreeing to a plan, he's disordered so his mind isn't going to follow the normal rules.

A few questions:  What ideally do you want in the agreement?  And did you try to get supervised visitation or psych evals or any of that, or are you just hoping to agree?  

[DreamGirl]

I have been encouraged that my actions are in the best interest of me and my child by my parents friends lawyer and counselor but I still feel bad. I just hate this but I am afraid of him and don't know how else I can proceed. If he really wanted to see her wouldn't he be willing to come up with some type of agreement? I think he is just using her to hurt me.  Ugh. This process is absolute hell. I can't even believe that I am here right now. In my parents house with little more than the clothes I left with, my dogs and my d4. Jumping every time the phone rings, being painted black all over facebook and any other venue he can access, being hated by his family for 'stealing his child'. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I'm just never going to wake up.

This stuff is so hard.

When I get wrapped up in these feelings (guilt, fear) - the people in my life who I trust in keeping me grounded become very important.  Your parents, your friends, your lawyer, and your counselor are there to help keep you grounded as you move forward. You feeling bad isn't because you're doing a bad thing.   

You want him to see his child. You need to make sure that your daughter is OK. His words are just words and you are absolutely right that he does have power in this. I'm thinking that it's just easier and less painful for him to blame you for not being able to see his daughter.

I also wonder if court ordered supervised visitation would be a viable option for your situation? This would allow him some time with his daughter to focus solely on her in a safe environment. There are often requirements that must be met before unsupervised visitation is granted. So it takes it out of your hands at that point and leaves it with him.

~DreamGirl    

[livednlearned]

I'm thinking that it's just easier and less painful for him to blame you for not being able to see his daughter.

My ex did something similar, and his actions ultimately made it possible for me to get sole custody. S12 only sees his dad 16 hours a month now.

N/BPDxh seemed to almost methodically try to lose custody of S12, while simultaneously attempting to control everything I did. And like your ex, mine blamed me for all of it.

Recognizing that you feel guilt is good, but don't let it weaken your resolve about doing what's best for your daughter. A lot of pwBPD have the emotional maturity of someone roughly 6 or 7 years old. You would probably hesitate to leave your child for any extended period with a child that young. We often feel guilty because we want our kids to know their other parent, but that parent needs to be reasonably healthy first. And pwBPD aren't.

Also, the stuff about your D not needing a mommy. That's early parental alienation stuff -- if you don't already have a copy of Divorce Poison, I highly recommend getting a copy. The advice is essential for people dealing with BPD, divorce, and kids.