Wants a marriage and children, but can't commit?

[Valentina]

I am struggling to understand my uBPDh. He left me again a couple of months ago (which he has done 20-30 times in our 5 year relationship). He is begging to reconcile, and he has admitted he has made many mistakes in our relationship, and he is ready to change. He wants to set boundaries and improve communication. He tells me he loves me very much and can’t live without me. He says he wants to buy a house with me, and he wants to start a family. That’s great, until…...

I asked him the other day if he could guarantee that he won’t leave me again. He said he can’t guarantee anything, because he doesn’t know what his future holds.  I don’t understand this thinking. I am so confused by this. How can he want to be married and have children, but can’t promise a commitment? What does that even mean? I have tried to ask him this, and he is making out like I am expecting too much and I am crazy. I am so confused with this thinking. Is there a BPD explanation for this?

[Validation78]

Hi Valentina!

pwBPD have a fear of abandonment at their very core. Making commitments like marriage, and family only intensifies the fear. I know that sounds contradictory, and, it is, since for many, it would give some sense of security. pwBPD want security too, they just are so overwhelmed with the fear of the loss that they often set the stage for that very thing to happen.

You will spin your wheels asking him to explain this. He can't because there is no logical explanation. It is completely normal to him since he has used this pattern of behavior his whole life to get by, and to survive. It's part of who he is, and it's not going to change without proper treatment.

Knowing this, you need to focus on yourself. You are not expecting too much nor are you crazy for expecting a commitment when in a marriage, and starting a family. If you can't accept that you won't have that with him in his condition, you would be wise to rethink what you want for your future, as I sense you are doing now. Have you read through all The Lessons on The Staying Board? Knowing more about BPD may help!

Best Wishes,

Val78   

[Valentina]

Thanks for the reply, Val78. I have tried to read about BPD whenever I get the chance, but h never fails to confuse me. I guess I am also in denial and hoping that it's not BPD after all. Your explanation does make sense. I can understand that by having a fear of something, they essentially make it happen, and they are their own worst enemies.

I am rethinking my future with him. As much as I would want kids one day, I could never bring a kid into such an unstable family.

Thanks for the explanation 

[LetItBe]

He said he can’t guarantee anything, because he doesn’t know what his future holds. 

I heard these exact same words from my BPDxbf, and I'm sure that what Val said is correct, that it's rooted in his deep fear of abandonment (even though he would never admit he's afraid of such a thing).  He did what Val mentioned -- his fear-based behaviors ultimately drove me away from him after a very hopeful recycle that we both put so much effort into.

[SweetCharlotte]

Valentina and LetItBe, at least your SO's were honest about their inability to predict their future stability. My uBPDh has repeatedly "left" me but he always puts the blame on me. If I respected him more, if I were calmer and more stable, etc., then he would not "have to" leave me, but according to him I give him no choice.

And for him it is not really marital desertion because it's a long-distance/commuter marriage, so when he gets into the push-away part of his cycle he just packs up his stuff and goes and there's never a need to apologize or ask to come back because he sees it as a normal part of our r/s. I have kids but they're from before our r/s, so he does not see it as abandoning them either, even though I wanted them to have him as a father figure.

No matter what the circumstances, it is always heart-rending when they walk out on you. With a child or children along for the ride, you might find yourself pushed to divorce him, and then you could have a hostile battle on your hands (look at the divorcing/legal board to see how pwBPD act when there are issues of child custody). And then you would probably have to send your kids off for visitation with a father who could be disregulating or dissociating.

Yes, I would say give it a lot of thought, but not for too long because as women our time is fairly limited when it comes to having children or not. As time passes it becomes more difficult to make a rational decision about who one's co-parent will be (I can't say I handled this matter ideally myself, since I had to divorce my first husband due to violent behavior—perhaps the outbursts of a high-functioning autistic person— and then for the second child, time was running out and I used an anonymous donor).

[momtara]

My husband used to leave for a few days.  Then we had kids and he stopped doing that.  I was quite happy about that.  It caused new problems.  He was very controlling with the kids.  Then he got scary and claimed I abused them.  It was really because he was afraid I'd take them away from him.  (Paradoxical, of course, because his behavior drove me to take them away).  Now we are getting a divorce and I have to share my kids with him, even though he's not always stable.  Courts want both parents involved.

So don't go down that road until he's had a lot of the RIGHT therapy.  Set clear boundaries.  I know that's hard when you love someone.

[Valentina]

Thanks for your replies. He is now blaming me for the fact the may leave me again. The more he talks, the more I realise just how unstable he is.

I have decided to leave this marriage once and for all. I'm an adult, and I am struggling to deal with him walking out on me. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a child to have their dad do that to them. I could never forgive myself if we had kids and he treated them the way he has treated me.

[AnalogGuy]

Valentina,

I put up with similar things and my ex-wife wanted kids towards the end.  I realized I could never have kids with her because she would not be a good parent to them.

We got a divorce, and five years later I am planning a family with a wonderful, kind, stable woman.

There is life after BPD.