SOS

[Siamese Rescue]

I'm almost embarrassed to post here. In the past I appeared so stoic in my conviction that I was not going to be distracted from my exit strategy and my focus of staying away from my BPDexbf.

That was then.

He resurfaced at the end of July and I let him back in.

He claims he'd like to go to a therapist. He said today that he needs some dates and times so that he can arrange his schedule. (Of course he can't go next Wednesday when the best therapist in town who specializes in BPD is available)

So, the update is this. His blonde, wealthy, married client is paying for him to attend a weekend program in Las Vegas at some behavioral place to deal with his past emotional trauma from his relationship with his father.  Allegedly she and her husband own a company and they bought a number of slots for their employees and some can't attend. So she's offering it to him. He postures it as "her husband is paying for me to do this" when the truth is that SHE is arranging for this.

Okay, let's say it is a good thing. Let's presume it's as he says. Nothing is going on between them.

Why then would he not tell her he resumed his relationship with me? Why keep me a secret?

I asked that question today. He proceeded to tell me that she has a big mouth and she spreads stories about people and he doesn't talk to her about his personal life.

We had a huge fight at 4:00 today and the subsequent phone call resulted in my forcing him to be accountable for his lies and empty promises. He couldn't handle it so he hung up on me.

By the way, THIS married wealthy woman is different that the original one on the original triangle.

He of course declared me crazy, suspicious, nuts, etc.

Why keep me a secret from the new client (of four months) who has given him a flat screen tv, a 3,000 dollar weekend at a self improvement facility?

Here I am, less than two months later, already seeing all the shady, slimy, sketchy, secretive,  player behavior.

Why didn't I ignore his texts and lovey cards and the gifts and all the c r a p ?

So frustrated. Now I feel like I'm starting all over. It's almost worse this time. I feel even more foolish.

[Washisheart]

Because sometimes love just makes it hard for us to give up on who we love.

I am just now starting to realize in the past I was not ready to let him go because I hadn't changed how I perceive him. My attitude this run in the merry go round though has been much different. Now that I know he has BPD I understand that this could be the rest of my life if he doesn't see fit to change his ways. He has put effort into some parts, but after all the built up hurt and resentment I don't have the patience like I used to.

There is a saying, "I love you, but I don't LIKE you" and I don't believe until you hit this stage you will be ready to permanently let go. I can't stand him most the time now, I would rather be at work than home. When he talks to me when the attitude us flaring I block him out and ignore him.

So I know next time for us will be the last time.

You will know when you're ready. For now come here to vent

[eeyore]

There is no need to feel embarrassed.  When the time comes you will know when you have had enough.  On the other hand you still hope for better.  That's what keeps you in the relationship for now. 

[Siamese Rescue]

Thank you - the aggravation is overwhelming at times... .

[Washisheart]

The aggrevation, humiliation , pain, depression, wondering what's wrong with yourself, it's all overwhelming. And to make it worse no one IRL can understand or relate to what you're going through

[Siamese Rescue]

Yes, everything you said.  It's mental torture that the man who has been so loving and so remorseful and eager who you were trying to start to trust again, morphs into an ice cold jerk displaying illogical behavior and exhibiting all the traits of the womanizing he's always carried out.

God, why did I think he wanted to mature and change? Why did I think he wanted to be stable?

What's worse is how upset they make you and their ability to simply hang up on you. I'm seething right now. I'm so angry that I allowed myself to let him into my head again.

[eeyore]

And so the lesson learned is you will never let anyone have that ability ever again.  And you will feel good about it. 

[Aussie0zborn]

No need to feel embarrassed and please don't beat yourself up about it. We've all done it otherwise we wouldn't be here. As to why a woman would give him a $3000 TV, weekends away etc, well that speaks for itself and listening to any BS reasons is not healthy for you. Why not just get him out of your life and start the healing process over again? The sooner you start, the sooner you'll be healed.

[123Phoebe]

So, the update is this. His blonde, wealthy, married client is paying for him to attend a weekend program in Las Vegas at some behavioral place to deal with his past emotional trauma from his relationship with his father.    

Why then would he not tell her he resumed his relationship with me? Why keep me a secret?

I asked that question today. He proceeded to tell me that she has a big mouth and she spreads stories about people and he doesn't talk to her about his personal life.

But she knows about his past emotional trauma from his relationship with his father

Yea, Siamese Rescue, I'm sorry you're dealing with this sort of thing; it's just plain old whatever.

It's easy to believe the things we want to hear, the way we really wish things could be... .  Not so easy to stomach the reality of the situation sometimes.

Without dysregulating yourself and really letting him have it, can you think of things to do that are meaningful and fulfilling to you personally?

I think I'd try to forget about him for a while and focus solely on myself.

Hang in there... . 

[peas]

Too bad there isn't another guy around that you fancy to take your mind off this guy.

I'm not saying that another person will solve your problems -- that's your work to do -- but I still miss my exuBPDbf (we're NC seven weeks, thankyouverymuch) and I wish he still loved me. So I get that you feel that way about the ex who is trying to be back in your life.

BUT. In my healing stages lately a good-looking gent has turned my head. I don't know much about him, but he works in my building and I get a little rush when I see him out and about, sometimes just passing in the main entrance door. The guy could be totally not my type. He could be married. Or Gay. He could be whatever. But I think he's a handsome guy and I like that my post-BPD b/u depression is temporarily lifted when I see him. We have chatted and he seems nice and funny.

Also, it helps to have another man around to compare to the ex. It magnifies the ex's flaws. I see this one man as nice where my exBPD was so mean to me; I see this one man as confident, where my ex had low self-esteem, etc. 

[Black]

Don't beat yourself up for it. He should be ashamed not you!

Why don't you leave him again as he as shown you what he is? If you don't want him and he is making you crazy.

It's hard to be in a relationship when you are constantly worrying about where he is, questioning what he is really doing, who that woman is etc. It will kill you from the inside out.

Think of what you deserve in life, think about your own happiness. Time will heal everything if you think that you can't get over him.

Best of luck!