disappointing

[Parents! Get help here!]

Even though weve spoken on the phone several times a week over the years,  we havent seen our son in 4 years. He lives 2000 miles away. We came for a visit and were disappointed to see that he has matured very little. He seems very negative and chatters about nonsense. Totally changes the subject when we try to hit on important issues. So we back off not to spark any arguments. Is this the right thing to do? We want our visit to be pleasant, but the conversations are so light.

[lovesjazz]

Even though weve spoken on the phone several times a week over the years,  we havent seen our son in 4 years. He lives 2000 miles away. We came for a visit and were disappointed to see that he has matured very little. He seems very negative and chatters about nonsense. Totally changes the subject when we try to hit on important issues. So we back off not to spark any arguments. Is this the right thing to do? We want our visit to be pleasant, but the conversations are so light.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

So glad that you got to see your son after so long lovesjazz.

We can't make people talk about something they don't want to talk about.  Perhaps he would be more comfortable discussing the important things on the phone or through email. 

Enjoy just being in each others' company after such a long absence.

 

[vivekananda]

Hi lovesjazz,

That's sort of how it is with my dd. Totally superficial chatter and no possibility of anything else without invoking anger etc from her. I spoke about this in the recent course I did and the response I got was interesting. I was feeling despondent, I was feeling rather hopeless about it all. Instead the feedback I got was this is positive. She is talking, we are seeing each other - she is alive and is well (well sort of).

My point was this is no sort of relationship, it's not possible to have a relationship under these circumstances... .to see each other 3 or 4 times a year and chatter about nothing for a short while. 

It was put to me that our hope has to be realistic. We have to accept what we are given. Until such time as our children accept therapy and want to change, this is how it will be.

I think you are doing the right thing. Your son knows that you want him to get better, he doesn't want to (that's one blunt way of putting it), there is nothing you can do to change that... .except model a happy, healthy, compassionate life. Your son doesn't want to talk about anything 'important' he doesn't want to 'fight' with you. When dh last saw dd he told her about her cousins first professional game of football and that became a confrontational issue even!

Our children have BPD. It sucks and it is a cruel disorder. We see them, we love them and we forget that they are so unwell because it is so good to see them. We get sucked in again and again.

So, the idea I believe is to live with realistic hope. While they have BPD, we can do nothing except work on ourselves and be supportive and ready for when they do decide to ask for our help. In other words, it seems you did and are doing the right thing... .If there is anything that is family news that is important for him to hear, tell him. Otherwise stick to the light conversations... .

I do know how this sucks, I am sorry,

Vivek