Apparently I'm horrible

[Thunderstruck]

I'm struggling with this. My SO's D8 clings to me and responds well to me (strangers comment on this). We have a good relationship and she seems happy when she's around me. I discipline her when she misbehaves around me (if SO isn't around), then when she goes to uBPDmom's house she says that I'm horrible and mistreating her. I guess I understand why this is happening (SO calls it "survival mode" in dealing with her mom), I just would like to know how we should respond. I don't want D8 thinking this is normal or acceptable, to go between houses and bash the other household. This has adult consequences, her mother has been using it to rage and paint SO as a bad parent. And I don't want to resent D8... .right now I'm on the verge of "You think I'm horrible? I'll show you horrible!" but I really can't fault D8 for saying this stuff, I know uBPDmom is egging her on. So what have any of you tried that has been successful? We've said "In school you listen to teachers, at daycare you listen to the workers, at mom's you listen to mom, here you listen to daddy and Thunderstruck" whenever she says "You're not my mom! I don't have to do what you say".

I know therapy is the "go-to" suggestion, but it's not feasible for us at this time. Other suggestions would be appreciated.

[DreamGirl]

How do you know she's saying these things?

[sanemom]

How do you know she's saying these things?

^^^THIS!  She may be, or she may not be.  Just recently BPD mom reported to us that DSS was crying at her house about a situation at our house.  He is 15, and he was totally fine about the situation, even to the point of processing it with his counselor.  I am 99% sure HE was not crying about it at all... .

BPD mom may be WISHING she was complaining, but that doesn't mean she is. 

[Thunderstruck]

Well, it is mom's word that she's saying this but I do think she is. I think D8 is exaggerating the situation with any conflict and the blame falls solely on me and not SO (Thunderstruck was SO MEAN to me, she grounded me when I didn't eat my spinach!) and uBPDmom encourages it. Then D8 continues because she likes getting attention from mom as opposed to the usual apathy (obviously I barely know this woman so SO has been the one to help me to this conclusion). Then mom rages at SO and paints him as a bad father and me as horrible and she should keep "her daughter" away from us.

I feel stuck in a no-win situation. If I never discipline or disagree with the child, if I am sugary sweet always and let her walk all over me then it's another rage about something else we're doing wrong (like feeding her too much junk food).

[lost not dead]

Thunderstruck you are horrible. You are being a better mom than the disorder. By doing that you have made yourself a target. My children played this game for years. The only time their mom paid attention to them was when they said bad things about me. As they

have gotten older they quit. I worried for a long time about the alienation from my ex but a freind who had gone through this before me said give her all the rope and let her hang herself. Be the best parent you can be and in the end the kids will see the truth. Well all my kids live with me hate to visit their mother and worship me. It takes time to establish a strong bond when you have the devil working against you. My SO is firm with the kids but leaves the disipline up to me. They get upset when she tells on them but I get blamed for disipline not her. The kids love her and confide in her so it seems to be working for us.

[david]

Our youngest did that when he was 5 to about 8. He is now 10 and I don't think he does that anymore. I did not react to it when I discovered what was going on. Since his older brother told me I just continued being me when they were with me. Eventually it backfired on ex when he figured out the things he was saying with his mom really weren't true. I think most kids do figure out who is looking out for them and respond to it in a postive manner. Ex is unable to actually help either boy with the things they need help and guidance with. Example: Ex was convinced youngest had a learning disabilty and pursued it starting in kindergarten. I am a scholl teacher and didn't see it. I came to the conclusion she was using this tactic to absolve herself from anything that happened later on down the road with him and school since she wasn't helping him at all with his school work. From both boys and some school meetings we both attended I realized she was saying he wasn't capable in front of him. That was a struggle to convince him he could do it. His confidence was low in first and second grade. I finally got the school to understand what was going on. It took a lot of me getting in their faces. Eventually they started working with me. He went to third grade last year, the school put him in their accelrated program, and he flourished. His confidence went up and he became much more trusting in me. She is still fighting with the school saying he is not capable. The school deals with her and I continue guiding him. I still get emails telling me I am emotionally abusing the boys. I interpret the emails as projection.

[Deb]

When my SD was young, she would say things that really hurt my feelings. Then a counselor explained to me that she would say things because I was "safe" ie, she knew she was loved unconditionally. With her crazy mama, she did not feel safe. So she was constantly saying what her nutso bio-mom wanted to hear in order that bio-mom would love her.It carried on into her teenage years, whenever she was having trouble. But when she gave birth to her own child, she sent me the sweetest card apologizing and thankining me for being her "real" mom. Your SD knows she is safe with you but that her bio mom may not love her  all the time.

[newlymarried]

When BPDbiomom found out about me, SD (who was 3 at the time) just met me. BPDbiomom told kiddo so many time that I didn't love her, that she came home and said "newly married doesn't love you"  to me. I had been a part of kiddo's life for such a short time when that happened I was taken aback. BPDbiomom still tries that stuff with me, but kiddo knows that her dad, me and she are a family and are her family.

[DreamGirl]

I feel stuck in a no-win situation.

You probably are in a no-win situation when it comes to her. Nothing you may do will ever be "right". Love your SD and she'll say you're overstepping. Disengage from her and you're not doing enough. Being a stepmom is not for the weak!

She may never like you. Ever.

Maybe she'll change her tune. And think you are the best.

Not likely though. And even if that happens, it will probably be more about her then anything you ever did.

In the end, why change what you do in order to "win"?

Are you horrible? Do you discipline from a place of love?

I'm a really MEAN mom when it comes to rules and expectations. I also make mistakes sometimes... .once leaving my youngest SD in timeout on the stairs and forgetting about her.  

10 minutes after the 3 minute timeout's expiration, I heard her singing quietly. Oh my gosh, the horror and guilt I felt. The fear of thinking she would run and tell her mama the very next day. Which I have no idea if she did because I never heard about it. Truth is that ten minutes on the stairs without complaining was a testament to her being such a good kid. It didn't harm her in any way and in my defense, I had 5 kids under the age of 12 at the time and am pretty easily distracted. Kids need to know our human sides too. They need to learn how to forgive us and we need to learn how to be sorry as parents. It's one of the greatest lessons in this life.  

Do your best.

Let mama do her best.

Don't get too wrapped up in the "mommy wars" and allowing your SD to triangulate between the two of you. She'll surely come to you in the future with the awfulness of her own mama. I think one of the best gifts I've allowed my own stepdaughters is letting them know that I won't go there... .that place where we're comisserating about the quirks of their mom. I validate the feelings "Gosh, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with her" but they won't get a reaction where I "need" them to do that to prove some kind of feelings I have towards her. I also let them know that it's OK that their mom may "need" that from them. I'm not attached to any of it... .I don't need to know what they say about me to their mama to know where they are at with me. That's their own stuff that they get to work out.    

I also default about 90% of the actual parenting to their actual parent that lives in my home - so if they're complaining? It's probably about him.  

My favorite tool in discipline is "If you don't knock it off, I'm calling your Dad to handle it."

When Mama has ever approached my husband? He just responded with "I'll talk to her about it."

Which was true - he did talk to me about it. Not that I changed anything, but we did talk about it.  

[david]

I have stepsons. They were xBPDw's from her first marriage. The youngest always used to say he hated me whenever I tried to have rules, etc.  I never reacted. After several years of this he one day said in a loud voice, "I hate you and this time I really mean it." I stood there quietly. When he calmed down I just looked at him and said in a very normal tone of voice, "So all those other times you really didn't mean it ?" We both broke up laughing. He tried not to but couldn't contain himself. He never said it again.

[Thunderstruck]

When my SD was young, she would say things that really hurt my feelings. Then a counselor explained to me that she would say things because I was "safe" ie, she knew she was loved unconditionally. With her crazy mama, she did not feel safe. So she was constantly saying what her nutso bio-mom wanted to hear in order that bio-mom would love her.It carried on into her teenage years, whenever she was having trouble. But when she gave birth to her own child, she sent me the sweetest card apologizing and thankining me for being her "real" mom. Your SD knows she is safe with you but that her bio mom may not love her  all the time.

I believe this is the case. Completely. Especially considering today was the first time I'd seen her in a week and she said "Thunderstruck, if you were my mom you'd be a perfect mom." 

It sounds like when this has happened, y'all generally just let it be and they grow out of it.