No Communication

[downandin]

How do you solve marital problems when your spouse is not capable of discussing serious issues?  I mean, I usually just try to fix things (financial, etc.) the best I can alone, even as she runs up larger and larger credit card bills each month. 

But there are some problems that arise that necessitate communication, and the ability of each partner to help to find a solution without blaming and/or assuming one is being blamed.  I have ED and have had many problems for years.  Without getting too detailed (I really wish there was a male only forum somewhere where I could discuss such things), she blames me constantly.  I know that a lot of my problem is psychological, because I really don't feel any love or physical closeness from her (certainly can't tell her that).  I also have a deep seeded fear of failing her and her outbursts that I don't find her attractive, etc.  In fact, that is what started it all, I failed once and she literally cried for days and was thrown into a 'painting me black' split for weeks.  I hate to be blunt, but it is hard to perform under such pressure.  She thinks I should be able to just take a pill and everything be fine.  She really seems to think that men have no feelings or emotional needs at all.  We are just machines, in other words, when it comes to such things. 

During our last 'discussion' of the topic, I said that I needed to talk about it and explained that if we could work on things, I'm sure it would be better.  Her angry response was, "I'm sorry I'm just not a good enough lover for you."  This is the way it always is and has been, though she would say that she has tried to talk about it.  This is how she 'talks about it.'  And I just walk away, feeling less like a man and more depressed and miserable.  This IS going to kill our marriage, when so many other things have not.

[Aussie0zborn]

Been there done that. And heard the same thing even when I was just tired  after an 18 hour day, been punched in the face, been verbally abused, ignored, eye-rolled or watched her yelling at stepson13 that she was "going to punch him in the f----ing face".

- Sorry sweetheart, but I just don't find you that attractive right now. You'd think they might understand that.

Sorry to be so blunt but it kind of sounds like you are already at the end of the marriage. I hope somebody can offer some good advice. 

[downandin]

I accidentally posted this in the 'Undecided' board when it was meant for the 'Staying' one.  See, I don't want our marriage to end, but if this issue is not resolved, it will... .there is not doubt about that.  I posted about this before, though, over there and really did not get any help at all.  Maybe somebody here will offer some advice or at least support.  I am physically sick from this problem.  I also cannot afford my own counselor, as she ran up another $600 in credit card debt just last month alone.  I usually don't even eat lunch anymore, because I don't have enough money to buy it.

[downandin]

I guess nobody has any suggestions for how I might get her to communicate and allow me to communicate my needs.  Kinda like I figured, seems as in everything else these days, there is no hope.

[Aussie0zborn]

There is plenty of hope, my friend.  For example, I'm hoping that you get your self-worth to a level where you can do what's best for you and you alone.  Like you said, the marriage is going to end so what are you waiting for? What's is your happiness worth?

I know it's hard and there were many times I should have left but didn't due to the FOG and believed things would get better. I think of how I was in a previous relationship when she started doing crazy stuff which I didn't understand - I showed her the door quick smart. Fast forward three years to a professional BPD maneater and I sat there for seven years  doing what you're doing right now. Why would anyone want that? Perhaps we're afraid we cant detach, afraid of being alone?

Once you have the emotional strength you will be able to do what's best for you. Build yourself up and get out of there.

[Surnia]

Hi Downandin

So sorry to hear about your struggles. 

About communication: You are not alone with it, many here including me are or were going through similar things. There is no wonder recipe  :'(. What you can do is: Try validation, try not to JADE (which is much easier said than done IMHO) and don't rely too much on words. Sometimes its better letting actions speak.

Are there any actions you can do to reduce financial damage?

Bc this is huge issue and very stressful when the depts are growing. 

[downandin]

There is plenty of hope, my friend.  For example, I'm hoping that you get your self-worth to a level where you can do what's best for you and you alone.  Like you said, the marriage is going to end so what are you waiting for? What's is your happiness worth?

I know it's hard and there were many times I should have left but didn't due to the FOG and believed things would get better. I think of how I was in a previous relationship when she started doing crazy stuff which I didn't understand - I showed her the door quick smart. Fast forward three years to a professional BPD maneater and I sat there for seven years  doing what you're doing right now. Why would anyone want that? Perhaps we're afraid we cant detach, afraid of being alone?

Once you have the emotional strength you will be able to do what's best for you. Build yourself up and get out of there.

I have three stepchildren who are in college and high school.  I cannot even think about deserting them until they are own their own.  Also, they could not go to college without my support.  My wife's mother also committed suicide after her father and she divorced.  I could never live with myself if something like that happened to my wife.  It is complicated much!  I just want to be able to communicate with her without fighting... .God is it really that hard.  This condition BPD makes absolutely no sense.

[downandin]

Hi Downandin

So sorry to hear about your struggles.  

About communication: You are not alone with it, many here including me are or were going through similar things. There is no wonder recipe  :'(. What you can do is: Try validation, try not to JADE (which is much easier said than done IMHO) and don't rely too much on words. Sometimes its better letting actions speak.

Are there any actions you can do to reduce financial damage?

Bc this is huge issue and very stressful when the depts are growing.  

I'm not really anywhere near as worried about the financial problems as I am about the sexual ones (see original post).  Still, underlying everything is the communication or I should say lack thereof.