Using SET

[CatBlack]

As I've talked about elsewhere here, my uBPDbf recently broke an important agreement we had that was a condition I gave him for moving in (he contacted an ex after promising she was totally out of his life.) I'm still not sure whether or not we're staying together as a couple, but I'd still like us to be friends and I feel strongly that he needs to move out. He's freaking out over this because he's terrified of abandonment (of course) but also because he recently went back to school and he feels like he can't do it alone. I'm really good at explaining difficult concepts to him and helping him study, and he has no confidence in his ability to learn on his own or rely on college tutors. His big complaint  is that by pushing him out now I'm ruining his chances of succeeding in life. Never mind that he made the choice to do the one thing that I TOLD him would result in his being kicked out, and he chose to do it the first week of classes... .naturally, this is about me being a vindictive bhit who is trying to ruin his life.

I really do want to see him do well in school and I'm sorry he had to make this choice right now, but as long as he's doing the things he's doing, we're not going to have a peaceful home and he's not going to have the supportive environment he wants. I know where this path leads, and it's mostly towards lots of fights and chaos. I don't mind helping him with his school work, no matter where our relationship goes. So I think it's in both of our best interests for him to find his own place, but even mentioning it gets me raged at. I want to try SET with this and see if it helps. Here's what I have so far -   

Support - I love you and I want to see you succeed in life and I want to help you with your goals.

Empathy - I see that you're feeling very confused right now and you're not sure what you want from our relationship, but you know that you need my help and you're afraid of doing this on your own. 

Truth - I need to feel good about myself in order to be the best friend to you that I can be, and the way you treat me makes me feel bad about myself. I won't be capable of providing the support you need under these circumstances and our home life will be too chaotic for you to focus on what's important for you right now. Let's find a path through this where you feel like you can rely on me and I can feel good about our friendship. 

Am I doing it right?

[Surnia]

Hi CatBlack

Set is a great tool. 

I have some thoughts about E: I feel for you, there is a lot of confusion about the relationship and the stress from not being good enough in school.

but you know that you need my help and you're afraid of doing this on your own. 

The "but" part is not validating in my eyes.

The T is a bit long perhaps?


Let me ask you:

What are your goals?

There is a broken agrement and you want to find a way to give hime a second chance?

What do you think would be a good path for you?

[CatBlack]

Thanks for the feedback! The "but" in the empathy part was to validate his fears, which are that he needs me to be able to do this. I don't agree with that but whenever I suggest he get a tutor or look for a study group or get extra help from the prof, he accuses me of not wanting to help him and fobbing him off on other people. I don't actually mind helping him, though, so I back off on that and reassure him that I'm available in that way no matter what. I just wish he knew that I wasn't the only resource here.

My goal with him is really just to get to a place where we're not fighting all the time. When he's not chasing other women or engaging in some way with the ex, things are pretty good with us - there are the usual emotional ups and downs that seem to be inevitable to relationships with pwBPD, but I can handle those. The issues with other women, not so much. This wouldn't be his second chance if I gave him one, it would be more like the hundredth chance. He's already delivering all the same promises to change, but it's all just words to me now. What I truly want is for him to get better and stop doing all the things that make him intolerable, but I'm coming to accept that this won't happen. Since I can't have that, I want him out of my house so I can come home to a peaceful environment.

He's way down in a pit of self-loathing right now - contacting the ex got him reliving her rejection of him, which is something he can't seem to let go of, he is terrified of living on his own and he beats himself up for not making enough money to feel independent, he is now feeling rejected and pushed away by me, and he's anxious and has no confidence in his ability to do well in school.

I think he hates being so reliant on me but he's terrified of being on his own. I'd like to see him out there navigating his life without me constantly at his side or emotionally backing him up - he says he needs me but he hates needing me. I love him very much but I want to not be hurt by him any more. Past that, I don't know. I think we need a break from each other but we're so entangled that it's painful to pull apart.



 

[Surnia]

Now I understand the Truth part a bit better.

Its not so easy to keep a friendship or some support with a SO with BPD. Some members here try it out with different success. Often it is leading to a recycled rs. Its important to have very good boundaries.

[CatBlack]

It seems to be working. I think. You never can tell when there will be some sort of reversal, but for now he seems to be accepting of the idea that he has to move out. I said my SET thing and he really seemed to get it, and he was being nice and sweet and all the things that he is when he's not being horrible.

I was getting a little weak and saying things like, well, maybe we could talk about it and work something out so you can stay. He said, "I think you're right, though, we can't really be happy together until I can figure out why I keep doing the things I do." Bingo, thank you! I doubt he'll remember saying this next time he goes off the rails, but it's nice to see a little clarity there.

I'm realizing that part of it is my fault, too  - I want him to break down and beg me to let him stay, just so I can feel validated and wanted, and I have to get past that. Part of me actually wants a recycle so that I can enjoy his "good twin" for a little while before the "evil twin" comes back.

[Surnia]

Hi CatBlack

Great, you could use it and it worked! Set and Validation are great tools, for all kind of communication anyway.

I'm realizing that part of it is my fault, too  - I want him to break down and beg me to let him stay, just so I can feel validated and wanted, and I have to get past that. Part of me actually wants a recycle so that I can enjoy his "good twin" for a little while before the "evil twin" comes back.

Great insight! 

Its good to be aware about the own issues too.

[CatBlack]

"Marge, it takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen"  - Homer Simpson.

I know it's a joke but I think I need to remember this one. When I let him move in, he promised not to do the thing he did. But he'd made and broken that promise many times before, more than I can count, actually. He's said that when he does it, he knows he probably can't keep that promise but he feels like he has to say the words to keep me from leaving. (Other times he's said that he always really truly meant it and just got weak - his justifications depend on his mood.) The first few times it happened, ok, but after losing count you'd think I'd eventually stop believing him. There's no point in making conditions or setting boundaries on behaviour that I know perfectly well is going to resurface and this time around it was my mistake for listening to him.

So here's what I know: He loves me but he's not emotionally equipped to be a partner. As soon as the drama dies down, his eyes start to wander and he starts to think obsessively about being with other women. Then when we have a fight about something stupid (this time, I went to a party thrown by someone he doesn't like), he uses that as an excuse to contact the ex, because he still has this lingering fantasy that he can trade boring old me for The One that Got Away. If it's not her, it would be someone else or he'd start to troll dating sites to see what else was out there (this has also happened, he likes having online flirtations.) Then I get angry and confront him. He pushes me further away, insults and devalues me, and blames it all on me. I get angrier but also really hurt and sad, we have a huge scene, it all blows up, and one or both of us declares the relationship Over For Good. Then he panics, he begs me to come back, we have blazingly hot makeup sex, I give in, he promises never to do it again and pledges undying devotion. And then the drama dies down... .

I know this is our pattern. I really really know it. His behavior is terrible in these situations and I'm not excusing him, but by now I'm just as much to blame for letting it happen. I cannot count how many times we have been through this cycle and I know it by heart. I have to stay focused on my own part in this; I can't keep obsessing over how badly I've been treated because by now, I'm doing this to myself. I need to just stop. I need to stop trying to make him be someone he's not and I need to stop letting him do this to me.