Sometimes I feel he uses this as an excuse to keep his options open in case any better plans come along. Most times I have verified he really is working... .but sometimes I have been very unsure and haven't known exactly. I can't know for sure
Hi eternity75!
I am so sorry to hear things are still not running smoothly for you in this relationship... .
This topic often comes up for many of us in dealing with our BPD loved ones. And I know you have been touching on this many times too in your posts about your r/s... .
And when push comes to shove it really always boils down to an important question that we as partners have to ask ourselves frequently and that is: is this relationship giving me what I want and look for in a relationship?
Have you read trough the workshop the dos and don't s in a relationship with a pw BPD? If not do it! Because it helps us get real with the facts that we have to be willing to face when being a partner to a pw BPD. You'll find a link to it here:
The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationshipI know from reading your posts that you struggle with him constantly looking for validation in other women either emotional and physical and it is hard not to take such things personal for anybody! Because that is not supposed to be an ingredient in a healthy and mature relationship. But it is all too often the way of life for most pw BPD. And that is a frustrating fact!
Also distance is a problem for many pw this disorder since they have a problem when people are not around all the time, since the need for validation often is going on 24/7 for them... .
And when we are not there it is like we don't even exist to them... .And that triggers their need for seeking validation elsewhere... .
So why are they not then taking every opportunity to see us, one might wonder?
Well, simply put that too is about them and their needs and fears... .To all pw BPD fear of abandonment is a constant present in their emotional mind. They don't see relationships as lasting ever, so they always anticipate the final break up and abandonment taking place. And in order to relieve themselves off the stress from that anxiety they often too instigate the break ups themselves... .Over and over again... .At the same time they create this dysfunctional safety net of other people who they seek out validation from either through texting or temporary meetings on the side like a cushion if you will for the day they fear is imminent and the relationship breaks apart... .
It is dysfunctional thinking that causes dysfunctional behaviors and being on the receiving end of that is painful to say the least.
The longer time that passes between seeing each other, the greater the need becomes for validation from others. And the harder it gets for them to actually meet at the same time... .It really is a loose loose for both parties when this happens. Because there is nothing we can say or do to assure them we won't leave, and at the same time nobody can be there for another person 24/7 even when people are living together! Total enmeshment is not a healthy thing to strive for in any relationship. We need to be able to function on our own, regardless of being in a r/s or not.
Having said that, I don't think his reasoning is about wanting to keep his options open for other things when he is creating obstacles for meeting you. He is dysfunctional lay dealing with his fear of one day loosing you. And sometimes not seeing you makes that more bearable for him. It is due to his disorder and not about having more fun with others. So it is really not personal towards you. It is all about him and his fears and his anxieties, and he can't really share that with you because that means showing you his vulnerability... .And to him that translates into you wanting to leave him for not being "good enough". Again... .This is dysfunctional thinking and has nothing to do with reality or logical reasoning. It is all about fear.
I so understand your frustration since I have been there too... .My ex BPD bf did exactly the same thing and there are many other examples of that type of behavior in so many others stories across this board. He also had a harem of women he kept around him, not necessarily for cheating or physical attraction even. Even though he has been known for cheating in the past. It for most of the women he keeps around him the hope of one day getting him is something he does cultivate with most of them... .It takes a very balanced and strong partner to be able to deal with that, since as you yourself have been contemplating before in your posts, this type of behavior borders on abuse for the person being on the receiving end of it... .
One might wonder why they even seek out more "serious" relationships with some people at all? But the answer to that is that they do seek out finding someone who they hope will be there for them always, who has tons of empathy and will replace the role of the perhaps parent lost or whatever it is that has caused the traumas of their life... .But at the same time they don't really believe in that dream anyway so the relationship becomes a struggle for them always... .This is the truly sad part about being a pw BPD, and especially if they go through life undiagnosed and untreated... .Because then the patterns and coping strategies will just keep repeating... .
How does anything get dealt with when one party refuses to deal?
This is a very important question! And above all it shifts focus to where it is supposed to be - with you!
Again this raises the question of whether this is a relationship you truly want, regardless of with whom... .
Most pw BPD have a hard time with any form of discussion or difference of opinion since it to them translates into argument and triggers their fear of abandonment. Either they become incredibly defensive or they lay flat asking you to choose. And behind that is always the fear of being left! Always! He sees it as you being mad at him and to him that translates into you not wanting to be with him anymore... .That is his view on reality. However not yours. But no matter what you do, you won't be able to invite him into your reality! He has to come to that realization all by himself. And without treatment chances that he ever will are extremely slim... .
If you read the link I gave you, you will see it clearly that being a partner to a pw BPD takes that we have to be able to look past these things and accept them for what they are. And also accept the role of not an equal partner, but the role of emotional care taker. And the difference is huge. I am not saying you shouldn't do it! Others are and they make a go of it. But it takes you building a strength and balance in you that never can take these things personally. And also not expecting to be treated as you could be treated by a man who does not have this disorder. Only you can figure out if you are up for that or not. But in order to figure that out, you need to emotionally detach from the pure feelings of love and the "good times" you have when you meet, and realize that with this guy, this whole package of constant mini break ups, seeking validation from others and perhaps even cheating and problems around seeing you is part of it too! Perhaps even the biggest part... .
So keep asking yourself if this is really giving you what you want and look for in a relationship?
Because you and your needs are important too!
Best Wishes
Scout99
